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the rate and my breathing was coming out uneven and guttery.
I was reaching the collection of trees that lined the field. I couldn’t see past them but I knew exactly what I would see. I would see the red and yellow big top being folded up or lay flat on the field’s floor, surrounded by the caravans of the performers, trainers, cooks, and general helpers.
But as I broke through the trees, I stood rooted to the spot. The field was empty. No red and yellow striped big top lay on the floor, no caravans were surrounding it. There was nothing but the marks on the ground that suggested a circus had even been in this area. There was no rubbish, no leftover food dumped on the floor, and no circus flyers flying about in the wind. It was spotless apart from the tyre tracks and the difference in grass colour where the sun had been unable to reach it – under the caravans and under the big-top.
They had gone. Alec had left. The Gresley Twins had left. Bradley had left. All of them had left. And none of them had even said goodbye. They had left me behind. I now understood Alec’s odd behaviour yesterday. He was saying a silent goodbye when he hugged me and wished me a good night. The little squabble was over whether to tell me that they were leaving or to leave me to find out for myself when I came to visit. I should have known this would happen. I should have know that they would leave soon. The two months had just gone so fast. I had hardly noticed each day pass by.
Tears were welling up in my eyes, threatening to break out, which they did just seconds later. They dropped down my pale cheek and on to the harsh cold snow beneath. I dropped to my knees as I looked about the empty field that had once made me feel at home. I knew it hadn’t really been the field it was the people. Alec, Liam, Gareth and Bradley mainly. How could they leave me like this?
The answer came to me quickly. They saw me as nothing but a little girl that Choppy knocked over. They felt guilty and so were trying to make up for it by giving me somewhere to go, but now they had done enough and so felt no compulsion to say a goodbye. I thought I might have meant more to them than that. I thought they saw me the same way I saw them – friends if not family. But obviously not. Nobody would leave friend or a family member behind. I had felt so much like part of their little family group. They had given me more in these two months than anybody else had in my entire life, a collection of people that I could rely on.
Amelia was someone I could rely on but not in the way Alec and the others were. I had no worries in confiding in these my stresses and absurdities. And I had often thought they were doing the same with me, but that must have just been me imagining things, as per usual.
I don’t know how long I stayed on my knees, in that one spot, but for the whole time tears were pouring down my cheeks into the snow below. Slowly I sank down even lower, lying on my side in the new snow. I was curled up in a tight ball as the tears came even more freely.
I could feel the day slipping, the night coming closer, the light slowly fading.
Darkness swept over the land. The little glimmer of light was only that of the street lights not far away, and the moon glistening off of the snow. I stayed curled up in a ball, not caring about what was going on around me.
I let my eyes close. I could feel my body shaking from the cold. How much longer would I be able to stay out here? I knew the answer, I would stay as long as I could, not relenting to the weather. Even if I have to wait ten years for Alec to come back. I will sit and wait it out.
I felt a hand on my forehead. It was warmer than what I was but still not a warm hand. I tried to open my eyes but I found my eyelids too heavy to lift. I tried a second time but couldn’t.
I could hear a muffled voice.
“Tell Mrs Carris, we’ve found her” I could just about make out what it said. “We’ll take her to our house”
I blacked out as two hands lifted me out of the snow.
Then next thing I can remember was the warm feeling I got as my senses returned. I could feel a soft sofa under my body and the warmth of what I could only presume was a lounge fireplace. I tried to open my eyes but failed again. No motion was possible. I could hear a collection of muffled voices.
“Do you think she met them just as they were leaving?” one voice asked. It was too muffled to realise who it was. All I could tell it was a woman’s voice.
“No, I don’t think they would have the strength to leave her like that. The conductor would have at least took her back to you, Mrs Carris” replied a manly voice.
“What shall we do with her?” the first voice asked, “Shall I take her back to the orphanage now or later?”
“Later, when she wakes she can return.” Replied a second woman’s voice.
I just hoped the last twenty-four hours was a dream. I wished to wake up to see the orphanage walls. I wished to walk out to the field and see the cirque was still there. I wished to go into the conductors caravan and find Alec playing fetch with Choppy. I wished to be able to play in the snow with The Gresley Twins. But something inside me knew it wasn’t a dream. Something inside me was trying to make me see sense. Alec was gone, and with him my dream of being a member of the Cirque De Soleil that I had spent the last two months with.
I didn’t have my Cirque dream that night, nor did I have a dreamless sleep My previous nightmares had returned. Though this time, it wasn’t my real parents, or any of the foster families I have been with that was walking away from me. It was Alec. I opened my eyes. I was back in the field. It was dark but just enough light was being reflected of the moon and snow for me to make out Alec standing above me.
“Alec?” I asked, not even recognising my own voice. It sounded so desperate. It was filled with so much sorrow.
He said nothing in return, he just turned away from me and started to walk away. I struggled to get to my feet and run after him. He walked at a slow pace but no matter how hard I pushed I couldn’t catch up with him. I was just slowly wearing myself out. I expected the field to end and then he would have to stop, but it didn’t. It just carried on stretching further and further. I could see the hedge and gate at the end but it seemed to move at the same pace as both me and Alec. Neither of us were getting any closer to it.
I jolted awake to find myself in Amelia’s lounge. I was on the sofa in her lounge. The lights were on, it must have been late evening. I looked about. Everything in the room looked ordinary, the only thing that seemed different was the expression on Amelia’s father’s face. It was a mix of relief and worry.
He had been sat on the single seat watching me, but as my eyes connected with him, he slowly walked to me and knelt down next to the sofa.
“Lamia, are you okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine” I replied in less than a whisper. I avoided his gaze as I said it.
“I’m sorry Lamia. I know the Circus performers meant a lot to you” he said softly taking my hand. He rubbed his thumb in a circle on the back of my hand in a reassuring fashion.
I didn’t reply. I just plainly nodded.
It wasn’t long until Mrs Carris was called and I was taken back to the orphanage. The carers wanted an explanation but I just remained silent. I had lost the will to talk to them. I would never tell them about what I was feeling or what I was thinking. They just shared a big sigh and had me carried to my room.
It took me a few days to recover from the cold I had picked up from being out in the snow for so long. I didn’t complain. I just lay in my bed, starring up at the ceiling blankly, having no intention to move to say a word.
A fresh wave of abandonment swept over me leaving me burnt and sore. I couldn’t believe I had left myself get hurt again. Ever since I was eight I had sworn I would not let anybody hurt me like that again, but I had let Alec do exactly that. I had allowed myself to hope for something more than what I could get, more than I had the right to wish for. I had grown fond of all the performers at the cirque. I allowed myself break my word for them, for the people that have just left me broken and unfixable.
My first week back at school after that day was the worst in the world. I didn’t even have Amelia there. I had missed her last day, and the goodbye and good luck sleep over. It was on this day I made myself a new pact. I would never ever grow close to anybody again. I would not let myself feel anything for them, just for them to break me.
I had lost not only Amelia but the welcoming feeling I got from the circus.
I often found myself wishing Cirque De Soleil had never have came to this town. I found myself wishing Choppy had knocked somebody else over. I found myself wishing Alec had made another girl feel welcome. Every time I did my heart ached. The thought of never meeting Alec or any of the others hurt me. But whenever I thought of them, I made myself think of the pain they had caused me and how they had abandoned me. A hatred was starting to grow. A hatred that only grew stronger as more time progressed.
As my anger towards Cirque De Soleil increased, my anger towards the other student did also. My irritation levels rose. I found myself hanging with the same girl that had beaten me up as I tried to save Amelia. At first I was her second, but slowly it changed, she became mine. On the odd occasion when I would spot Amelia outside of school – from a distance – she would shy away. She knew all too well that I had changed. I knew all too well that I had changed. I wasn’t the weak little orphan anymore that left the orphanage as early as possible and stayed away as late into the evening as I could pull off. I wasn’t the lonely child that stood with only one friend at lunch anymore.
I was the girl that had a whole wing of orphans on my side. I was the girl that had back-up when it came to a fight. I was the girl that was the last to leave the orphanage