four years old… and the workers at Kaiser went on strike. Papa was left to find a job. He found one, not sure even to this day where or what it was, but he found one. He had to catch a train to go there. I remember him coming in and waking me up at four o’clock in the morning. He doesn’t know everything that happened when he left though. I remember every detail… but have not told him all of it. What is the point? It is way after it was all said and done. I had thought I had gotten over the memory of what I am going to tell you next… but I hadn’t. Something triggered it again… just recently in fact. Just someone saying how duct tape is not something to mess around with… and when it is removed from the skin it can injure you… and that it is definitely child abuse for someone to duct tape someone. That is what triggered it. I know that better than anyone. I know the pain one feels when duct tape is torn off… I can sometimes still feel it. Nicky was trying to potty train me… but I kept on running all around. So, she got out the duct tape… and taped me to the potty chair. I remember that. I remember how it feels to be duct taped to that chair. It hurt. It was scary, and there was nothing I could do. I also remember that she didn’t un tape me for several hours. And that she did it more times than you can imagine. That isn’t the worst thing she did though. Not by a long shot… at least, not in my opinion anyway. The worst thing she did was even worse than the time she poured hot sauce into my mouth because I talked too much. It was even worse than the times I was crying on the potty chair and she wouldn’t un tape me. I was four at the time… and a very talkative child. I would talk nonstop about completely random things. If I wasn’t talking, I would be running around screaming or bouncing around the house. Keep in mind I was not yet diagnosed with ADHD. Actually, as a matter of a fact, I had been taken to a doctor a few weeks before. I was diagnosed wrong. Epilepsy is what the doctor said I had. Idiot. I wasn’t having seizures. I was hyperactive. But… I can see why he would think that though. I do remember that I twitched a lot too… but that was because I couldn’t stay still for a single second. No wonder no one wanted me as a baby. I was a nightmare in human form… and it showed. Right… back to Nicky. One day, she got fed up with my running around the house screaming my head off… so she did something that has effected my life for many years to come… and is still effecting it today. I think it was Summer when she did this… It must have been, because I don’t remember being cold. She stuck me out side, and locked the door. I tried to open it, but I couldn’t. That is how I know it was locked. (Let me say that a third time… the door was locked.) It was evening when she did this. It was getting dark. I had no problem with the dark before that day. She left me out there the whole night. I remember every single moment of that too… and still have nightmares about it sometimes. No matter how much I cried and kicked and screamed… she wouldn’t open the door. Now, where I live, that is never a good thing to do. I live in the woods. Where I have actually seen bears. I have heard of mountain lions nearby several times… and I can hear the coyotes here. I heard the coyotes that night. I remember it. I no longer fear the sound of the coyotes. That fear went away about two years ago. But I remember how terrified I was that night. I heard the coyotes and renewed my efforts on getting Nicky’s attention, sure that they were right there, and were going to kill me. I didn't know at the time that they rarely attack humans... that they avoid them. All I knew was what I had heard. SO of course, when morning came around, I was still awake and terrified... and that is where the memory goes fuzzy. I do remember freaking out when I heard coyotes again though. My papa took me out onto the porch and tried to explain that it was just the coyotes, but I was screaming and crying. I was terrified beyond belief. He didn't know why I reacted that way until Nicky confessed. He told her not to do that anymore, and then off he went to work. He came back early this time though... and saw me duct taped to the potty chair. Nicky was sent packing shortly after that... but what she did still effects me. I am terrified of the dark now. I feel absolute terror whenever I go outside at night... or near nighttime. I cannot stand the dark. It scares me more than anything else... and then, the nightmares began shortly after.
I will leave off here for now. The next part is also traumatic. I cant post both at once. That is too much for even me to handle.
Part 4... yet another hard part
After Nicky... things changed. I was screwed up by that experience. I used to not be afraid of the dark... or evening for that matter... but that all changed after Nicky. Things worsened. And... the nightmares began.
Chapter 5 "Nightmares"
Something was different about this dream. I am a four-year old... yet I am having terrible dreams. Nightmares. Ones that only appear in the worst horror movies... and I had to deal with that again and again. Every night. I was so scared of going to sleep at night because of them... yet I was too scared to stay awake too. Either way, the nightmares reached me. When I was awake, I thought I saw ghostly figures all around me. I was so scared. Even when I hid under the blankets... I could feel their presence. They were evil. They shifted shapes into monsters. They looked like people at first, then they changed into the most horrifying creatures to me. A giant spider, a tyrannosaurus rex, a mountain lion. All of these things plus many more... but they weren't alone. I don't know what they were, perhaps just my four-year-old mind playing tricks on me... but that doesn't explain why I still see them every so often. The nightmares were, and are still, the worst part. They were not what one would expect a four-year-old having nightmares would have in those nightmares... They were horrors that many grown adults would shy away from. I have often tried to change the dreams when I know I am dreaming... but it always turns out even worse than if I had just left it alone. It was the nightmares that really scared me though. They were so much worse than some of the things that are shown in horror movies, yet I was having them at age 4. I think that the things Nicky did that triggered them, more than anything else. It was a scary time for me… and still is. I still have nightmares. They went away for a few years, but they just came back a few months ago… and they were worse than ever. But, I am getting ahead of myself here. Let me start with the first one I can remember… and one of the most gruesome. I was age four… and had a nightmare that would scare most grown adults. It is both the content… and the feeling. The feeling was the worst part. I felt absolute terror. I was alone, unable to get away from the evil… and unable to hide from it. Those were all things I felt in that one nightmare. I knew it was a dream at the time, and cowered away from it. I tried to stop it, but it was in vain. The dream played itself out… and etched itself into my memory forever. I will never be rid of it, no matter how long I live. I know that now. I have tried… and now, I must describe that terrifying dream… something that is truly deserving of being called a nightmare.
Imprint
Publication Date: 01-19-2012
All Rights Reserved
Dedication:
Who do I dedicate this to? my friends. Thank you for your support. I wouldn't have been able to write this without it.
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