Volpone - Ben Jonson (best sales books of all time TXT) 📗

unto that piece of cedar, That fine well-timber’d gallant; and that here The letters may be read, through the horn, That make the story perfect.

MOS: Excellent! sir.

CORV [ASIDE TO MOSCA.]: There’s no shame in this now, is there?

MOS: None.

CORV: Or if I said, I hoped that she were onward To her damnation, if there be a hell Greater than whore and woman; a good catholic May make the doubt.

3 AVOC: His grief hath made him frantic.

1 AVOC: Remove him hence.

2 AVOC: Look to the woman.

[CELIA SWOONS.]

CORV: Rare! Prettily feign’d, again!

4 AVOC: Stand from about her.

1 AVOC: Give her the air.

3 AVOC [TO MOSCA.]: What can you say?

MOS: My wound, May it please your wisdoms, speaks for me, received In aid of my good patron, when he mist His sought-for father, when that well-taught dame Had her cue given her, to cry out, A rape!

BON: O most laid impudence! Fathers—

3 AVOC: Sir, be silent; You had your hearing free, so must they theirs.

2 AVOC: I do begin to doubt the imposture here.

4 AVOC: This woman has too many moods.

VOLT: Grave fathers, She is a creature of a most profest And prostituted lewdness.

CORV: Most impetuous, Unsatisfied, grave fathers!

VOLT: May her feignings Not take your wisdoms: but this day she baited A stranger, a grave knight, with her loose eyes, And more lascivious kisses. This man saw them Together on the water in a gondola.

MOS: Here is the lady herself, that saw them too; Without; who then had in the open streets Pursued them, but for saving her knight’s honour.

1 AVOC: Produce that lady.

2 AVOC: Let her come.

[EXIT MOSCA.]

4 AVOC: These things, They strike with wonder!

3 AVOC: I am turn’d a stone.

[RE-ENTER MOSCA WITH LADY WOULD-BE.]

MOS: Be resolute, madam.

LADY P: Ay, this same is she. [POINTING TO CELIA.] Out, thou chameleon harlot! now thine eyes Vie tears with the hyaena. Dar’st thou look Upon my wronged face?—I cry your pardons, I fear I have forgettingly transgrest Against the dignity of the court—

2 AVOC: No, madam.

LADY P: And been exorbitant—

2 AVOC: You have not, lady.

4 AVOC: These proofs are strong.

LADY P: Surely, I had no purpose To scandalise your honours, or my sex’s.

3 AVOC: We do believe it.

LADY P: Surely, you may believe it.

2 AVOC: Madam, we do.

LADY P: Indeed, you may; my breeding Is not so coarse—

1 AVOC: We know it.

LADY P: To offend With pertinacy—

3 AVOC: Lady—

LADY P: Such a presence! No surely.

1 AVOC: We well think it.

LADY P: You may think it.

1 AVOC: Let her o’ercome. What witnesses have you To make good your report?

BON: Our consciences.

CEL: And heaven, that never fails the innocent.

4 AVOC: These are no testimonies.

BON: Not in your courts, Where multitude, and clamour overcomes.

1 AVOC: Nay, then you do wax insolent.

[RE-ENTER OFFICERS, BEARING VOLPONE ON A COUCH.]

VOLT: Here, here, The testimony comes, that will convince, And put to utter dumbness their bold tongues: See here, grave fathers, here’s the ravisher, The rider on men’s wives, the great impostor, The grand voluptuary! Do you not think These limbs should affect venery? or these eyes Covet a concubine? pray you mark these hands; Are they not fit to stroke a lady’s breasts?— Perhaps he doth dissemble!

BON: So he does.

VOLT: Would you have him tortured?

BON: I would have him proved.

VOLT: Best try him then with goads, or burning irons; Put him to the strappado: I have heard The rack hath cured the gout; ‘faith, give it him, And help him of a malady; be courteous. I’ll undertake, before these honour’d fathers, He shall have yet as many left diseases, As she has known adulterers, or thou strumpets.— O, my most equal hearers, if these deeds, Acts of this bold and most exorbitant strain, May pass with sufferance; what one citizen But owes the forfeit of his life, yea, fame, To him that dares traduce him? which of you Are safe, my honour’d fathers? I would ask, With leave of your grave fatherhoods, if their plot Have any face or colour like to truth? Or if, unto the dullest nostril here, It smell not rank, and most abhorred slander? I crave your care of this good gentleman, Whose life is much endanger’d by their fable; And as for them, I will conclude with this, That vicious persons, when they’re hot and flesh’d In impious acts, their constancy abounds: Damn’d deeds are done with greatest confidence.

1 AVOC: Take them to custody, and sever them.

2 AVOC: ‘Tis pity two such prodigies should live.

1 AVOC: Let the old gentleman be return’d with care; [EXEUNT OFFICERS WITH VOLPONE.] I’m sorry our credulity hath wrong’d him.

4 AVOC: These are two creatures!

3 AVOC: I’ve an earthquake in me.

2 AVOC: Their shame, even in their cradles, fled their faces.

4 AVOC [TO VOLT.]: You have done a worthy service to the state, sir, In their discovery.

1 AVOC: You shall hear, ere night, What punishment the court decrees upon them.

[EXEUNT AVOCAT., NOT., AND OFFICERS WITH BONARIO AND CELIA.]

VOLT: We thank your fatherhoods.—How like you it?

MOS: Rare. I’d have your tongue, sir, tipt with gold for this; I’d have you be the heir to the whole city; The earth I’d have want men, ere you want living: They’re bound to erect your statue in St. Mark’s. Signior Corvino, I would have you go And shew yourself, that you have conquer’d.

CORV: Yes.

MOS: It was much better that you should profess Yourself a cuckold thus, than that the other Should have been prov’d.

CORV: Nay, I consider’d that: Now it is her fault:

MOS: Then it had been yours.

CORV: True; I do doubt this advocate still.

MOS: I’faith, You need not, I dare ease you of that care.

CORV: I trust thee, Mosca.

[EXIT.]

MOS: As your own soul, sir.

CORB: Mosca!

MOS: Now for your business, sir.

CORB: How! have you business?

MOS: Yes, your’s, sir.

CORB: O, none else?

MOS: None else, not I.

CORB: Be careful, then.

MOS: Rest you with both your eyes, sir.

CORB: Dispatch it.

MOS: Instantly.

CORB: And look that all, Whatever, be put in, jewels, plate, moneys, Household stuff, bedding, curtains.

MOS: Curtain-rings, sir. Only the advocate’s fee must be deducted.

CORB: I’ll pay him now; you’ll be too prodigal.

MOS: Sir, I must tender it.

CORB: Two chequines is well?

MOS: No, six, sir.

CORB: ‘Tis too much.

MOS: He talk’d a great while; You must consider that, sir.

CORB: Well, there’s three—

MOS: I’ll give it him.

CORB: Do so, and there’s for thee.

[EXIT.]

MOS [ASIDE.]: Bountiful bones! What horrid strange offence Did he commit ‘gainst nature, in his youth, Worthy this age? [TO VOLT.]—You see, sir, how I work Unto your ends; take you no notice.

VOLT: No, I’ll leave you.

[EXIT.]

MOS: All is yours, the devil and all: Good advocate!—Madam, I’ll bring you home.

LADY P: No, I’ll go see your patron.

MOS: That you shall not: I’ll tell you why. My purpose is to urge My patron to reform his Will; and for The zeal you have shewn to-day, whereas before You were but third or fourth, you shall be now Put in the first; which would appear as begg’d, If you were present. Therefore—

LADY P: You shall sway me.

[EXEUNT.]

 

ACT 5. SCENE 5.1

A ROOM IN VOLPONE’S HOUSE.

ENTER VOLPONE.

VOLP: Well, I am here, and all this brunt is past. I ne’er was in dislike with my disguise Till this fled moment; here ‘twas good, in private; But in your public,—cave whilst I breathe. ‘Fore God, my left leg began to have the cramp, And I apprehended straight some power had struck me With a dead palsy: Well! I must be merry, And shake it off. A many of these fears Would put me into some villanous disease, Should they come thick upon me: I’ll prevent ‘em. Give me a bowl of lusty wine, to fright This humour from my heart. [DRINKS.] Hum, hum, hum! ‘Tis almost gone already; I shall conquer. Any device, now, of rare ingenious knavery, That would possess me with a violent laughter, Would make me up again. [DRINKS AGAIN.] So, so, so, so! This heat is life; ‘tis blood by this time:—Mosca!

[ENTER MOSCA.]

MOS: How now, sir? does the day look clear again? Are we recover’d, and wrought out of error, Into our way, to see our path before us? Is our trade free once more?

VOLP: Exquisite Mosca!

MOS: Was it not carried learnedly?

VOLP: And stoutly: Good wits are greatest in extremities.

MOS: It were a folly beyond thought, to trust Any grand act unto a cowardly spirit: You are not taken with it enough, methinks?

VOLP: O, more than if I had enjoy’d the wench: The pleasure of all woman-kind’s not like it.

MOS: Why now you speak, sir. We must here be fix’d; Here we must rest; this is our master-peice; We cannot think to go beyond this.

VOLP: True. Thou hast play’d thy prize, my precious Mosca.

MOS: Nay, sir, To gull the court—

VOLP: And quite divert the torrent Upon the innocent.

MOS: Yes, and to make So rare a music out of discords—

VOLP: Right. That yet to me’s the strangest, how thou hast borne it! That these, being so divided ‘mongst themselves, Should not scent somewhat, or in me or thee, Or doubt their own side.

MOS: True, they will not see’t. Too much light blinds them, I think. Each of them Is so possest and stuft with his own hopes, That any thing unto the contrary, Never so true, or never so apparent, Never so palpable, they will resist it—

VOLP: Like a temptation of the devil.

MOS: Right, sir. Merchants may talk of trade, and your great signiors Of land that yields well; but if Italy Have any glebe more fruitful than these fellows, I am deceiv’d. Did not your advocate rare?

VOLP: O—“My most honour’d fathers, my grave fathers, Under correction of your fatherhoods, What face of truth is here? If these strange deeds May pass, most honour’d fathers”—I had much ado To forbear laughing.

MOS: It seem’d to me, you sweat, sir.

VOLP: In troth, I did a little.

MOS: But confess, sir, Were you not daunted?

VOLP: In good faith, I was A little in a mist, but not dejected; Never, but still my self.

MOS: I think it, sir. Now, so truth help me, I must needs say this, sir, And out of conscience for your advocate: He has taken pains, in faith, sir, and deserv’d, In my poor judgment, I speak it under favour, Not to contrary you, sir, very richly— Well—to be cozen’d.

VOLP: Troth, and I think so too, By that I heard him, in the latter end.

MOS: O, but before, sir: had you heard him first Draw it to certain heads, then aggravate, Then use his vehement figures—I look’d still When he would shift a shirt: and, doing this Out of pure love, no hope of gain—

VOLP: ‘Tis right. I cannot answer him, Mosca, as I would, Not yet; but for thy sake, at thy entreaty, I will begin, even now—to vex them all, This very instant.

MOS: Good sir.

VOLP: Call the dwarf And eunuch forth.

MOS: Castrone, Nano!

[ENTER CASTRONE AND NANO.]

NANO: Here.

VOLP: Shall we have a jig now?

MOS: What you please, sir.

VOLP: Go, Straight give out about the streets, you two, That I am dead; do it with constancy, Sadly, do you hear? impute it to the grief Of this late slander.

[EXEUNT CAST. AND NANO.]

MOS: What do you mean, sir?

VOLP: O, I shall have instantly my Vulture,