I Need to Feel... (in progress) - Brittany Ferguson (me) (top 10 non fiction books of all time txt) 📗

leg, his upper thigh. No one would see it there right? He thought, so he did it again and it felt good, it felt amazing. He did it again but this time a tiny bit deeper drawing a tiny bit more blood. The blood swirled in the water of the shower, going down the drain.
He did it again… and again… and again… he had 27 cuts on his leg by the time he stopped. It felt so good, but it was going to hurt later rubbing against his pants. He didn’t cut that deep just deep enough to draw a few drops of blood. He also had burns on his back from the scorching hot water striking his back, and it burned. He turned the cold water on and turned the shower head so it was dripping out softly. It felt even better, he let the water drip on his cuts and the chill is wonderful, but it’s not like the burn of cutting.
He got out of the shower and hurried to his room with the towel around his waist. He looked at himself in the mirror and though of how disgusting he looked. He looked at his cuts on his legs, they looked beautiful, the way the red showed and how clean they were. But by tomorrow they would look gross and will have brown crusted old dried blood on them and they will sting because his rough jeans will rub against them an pull off the scabs. He didn’t care though, he wanted the pain, he thought he deserved the pain.
He went down stairs to see what Mommy was cooking. Fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, Tyler’s favorite. Mommy felt bad about today, about Tyler getting beat up at school and him seeing the papers, but she didn’t know that he saw his medical report. She wanted to cheer him up a bit so she made him his favorite supper and bought him something, a guitar. He loved to play the guitar and he was amazingly good at it too, but Daddy had smashed it just before they left because he was tired of the noise that it made and was tired of Tyler playing it all the time.
It was a beauty, and it really did cheer him up for quite a while, she bought him a brand new amp, a really expensive nice on at that, and a new pedal. It was black with red that looked like blood dripping from it. He loved it, after supper he went right to his room to set up is brand new amp and start playing his guitar. It was like he never even stopped playing. He was brilliant; he could listen to a song once and play it on the guitar. He wrote songs too. He had them playing in his head all the time.
Playing his guitar and drawing made him take his mind off of things for a while. The rush of the music of the guitar got his adrenaline pumping and he started screaming along with a song. He hadn’t sung or scream for a very long time but it’s like he got better by not doing it.


Chapter 6
That night Tyler went to bed feeling happy, but not actually happy, it’s just when your brain thinks you are, but you really aren’t. He had a good night’s sleep though. When he woke up he could spell waffles and bacon and fresh warm syrup. Mommy had made him and herself breakfast, but time was running out so he had to hurry and eat. He wasn’t “hungry” so he only had a few bites.
“why aren’t you eating much Tyler?” asked Mommy. “are you not hungry?”
“Not really. And I’m going to be late for the bus so I got to go mom, I love you bye, see you after school.” Tyler kissed his mom on the cheek and left for the bus. He got there just in time. But there she was. She only lived three doors down from him, great. Just great. She walked onto the bus and a few seconds later so did he, she had already sat down and no one would let him sit next to them and there were no empty seats left.
“here, sit by me.” Suggested Allison. Tyler sat down next to her. She told him that she only lived three doors down from him, her and her parents would have stopped by to say welcome to the neighborhood but they were out of town and they’ve been really busy ever since.
Tyler saw a bruise on her arm, a fresh one, not from just bumping it on something, no he’s had those same exact ones. Her parents beat her.
“what happened to your arm…?” Tyler asked her cautiously.
“oh, uhhh, nothing.” she replied quickly.
“I’ve had ones similar, and don’t say you just bumped your arm in the doorway. There is one on the other arm isn’t there?” Tyler became very fond of her, like he needed to protect her from any danger, like she needed him.
“My dad got rough with me last night, so what? We were just messing around.” Allison lied, and when she said that last sentence her voice broke, like she knew she shouldn’t have lied to him. She felt she could trust him with anything, but she didn’t want to tell him just yet.
They arrived at the school, finally, the bus was a little late and Allison and Tyler had to hurry to first period, biology. They were studying genetics. About how the cells combine to make babies after having sex. All the other boys and girls started laughing whenever the teacher said “sex”, Tyler and Allison thought it was really annoying.
“oh my god, why does everyone have to be so immature its just a stupid word.” Whispered Allison quietly into Tyler’s ear.
“right? There really isn’t anything funny about the word. But the jokes are pretty good, you got to admit.” Said tyler.
“yeah, haha I guess they are.” Allison said as she giggled at Tyler. Tyler smiled, not just a fake “ya I’m fine” smile but a real smile. He liked allison’s laugh , it was adorable and a little load and the teacher heard, but he still loved it.
“ahem, would you two like to share with the class what you were whispering about?” asked the teacher.
“nothing Mrs. Gull.” Allison said sarcastically.
“alright then, may we get back to class Ms. Allison?” the teacher asked in a rude tone.
“yeah, whatever.” Replied Allison with an attitude.
“meow!” tyler said to Allison teasing her.
“oh shush up!” she said, smiling.
The bell rang and everyone gathered there stuff and walked out of class hurriedly, Allison and tyler took their time gathering there stuff and talking. Allison dropped her book and they both bent down to grab it. Somehow their hands entangled landing on the book, tyler pulled his hand away quickly and said, “uh, I got to go to the bathroom, see you in a few.” And sped out of the classroom like a 5 year old after drinking a Monster Energy Drink.
Tyler went into the bathroom and waited until there was no one there, the bell rang, he was going to be late for second period. Shit, shit, shit! What have I done? I grabbed her fucking hand. God I’m so fucking stupid!!! She blushed though… I saw her flawless cheeks flush a bright red, and she smiled at me… god why am I so fucked up! he grabbed his razor out of his pocket and took it to his arm. He slowly slid the cool metal across his forearm, slicing it open. This time a few drops of blood came out, more than the last ones. He had cut deeper, but still not enough… it felt so good, the cold metal, the warm blood. He was still angry so he put the razor back up against his arm, but below the one he had made only seconds ago and dragged it across. But someone was opening the door so he put away the razor and pulled down his sleeve.
“oh look who it is, the little emo boy from yesterday in the hall. Ready for another beat down fag?” said one of the guys.
Tyler pulled his blade on them and told them to get out of his fucking way. They backed off right away.
“woah dude, put it away we weren’t trying to do anything, we just wanted to have some fun.” One of the guys said.
“ you call beating the living shit out of the new kid fun? What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking bastards.” Tyler sure did call them out, for the first time in his life he stood up himself. He felt good, felt strong for once. He walked out of the bathroom with pride.

Imprint

Text: Brittany Ferguson (me)
Publication Date: 02-07-2013

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