A KNIGHT OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY - Edward Payson Roe (best color ebook reader TXT) 📗

Cell With His Old, Restless Steps. "It'S No Use,"

He Said; "The World Says, 'Go To The Devil,' And Gives Me No Chance To

Do Otherwise."

 

 

 

"Do You Regard The World--Whatever You May Mean By The Phrase--As Your

Friend?"

 

 

 

"Friend!" He Repeated, With Bitter Emphasis.

 

 

 

"Why, Then, Do You Take Its Advice? I Did Not Come Here To Tell You To

Go To Perdition."

 

 

 

"But If The World Sets Its Face Against Me Like A Flint, What Is There

For Me To Do But To Remain In prison Or Hide In a Desert, Unless I Do

What I Had Purposed, Defy It And Strike Back, Though It Be Only As A

Worm That Tries To Sting The Foot That Crushes It."

 

 

 

"Egbert, If You Should Die, The World Would Forget That You Had Ever

Existed, In a Few Days."

 

 

 

"Certainly. It Would Give Me Merely A Passing Thought As Of A Nuisance

That Had Been Abated."

 

 

 

"Well, Then, Would It Not Be Wise To Forget The World For A Little

While? You Are Shut Away From It For The Present, And It Cannot Molest

You. In the Meantime You Can Settle Some Very Important Personal

Questions. The World Has Power Over Your Fate Only As You Give It Power.

You Need not Lie Like A Helpless Worm In its Path, Waiting To Be

Crushed. Get Up Like A Man, And Take Care Of Yourself. The World May Let

You Starve, But It Cannot Prevent You From Becoming Good And True And

Manly; If You Do Become So, However, Rest Assured the World Will

Eventually Find A Place For You, And, Perhaps, An Honored place. But Be

That As It May, A Good Christian Man Is Sustained by Something Far More

Substantial Than The World'S Breath."

 

 

 

Out Of Respect For Mrs. Arnot, Haldane Was Silent. He Supposed that Her

Proposed remedy For His Desperate Troubles Was That He Should "Become A

Christian," And To This Phrase He Had Learned to Give Only The Most

Conventional Meaning.

 

 

 

"Becoming a Christian," In his Estimation, Was The Making Of Certain

Professions, Going Through Peculiar And Abnormal Experiences, And

Joining a Church, The Object Of All This Being To Escape A "Wrath To

Come" In the Indefinite Future. To Begin With, He Had Not The Slightest

Idea How To Set In motion These Spiritual Evolutions, Had He Desired

Them; And To His Intense And Practical Nature The Whole Subject Was As

Unattractive As A Library Of Musty And Scholastic Books. He Wanted some

Remedy That Applied to This World, And Would Help Him Now. He Did Not

Associate Mrs. Arnot'S Action With Christian Principle, But Believed it

To Be Due To The Peculiar And Natural Kindness Of Her Heart. Christians

In General Had Not Troubled themselves About Him, And, As Far As He

Could Judge, Had Turned as Coldly From Him As Had Others. His Mother Had

Always Been Regarded as An Eminently Religious Woman, And Yet He Knew

That She Was Morbidly Sensitive To The World'S Opinion And Society'S

Verdict.

 

 

 

From Childhood He Had Associated religion With Numerous Sunday

Restraints And The Immaculate Mourning-Dress Which Seemed chiefly To

Occupy His Mother'S Thoughts During The Hour Preceding Service. He Had

No Conception Of A Faith That Could Be To Him What The Master'S Strong

Sustaining Hand Was To The Disciple Who Suddenly Found Himself Sinking

In A Stormy Sea.

 

 

 

It Is Not Strange That The Distressed in body Or Mind Turn Away From A

Religion Of Dreary Formalities And Vague, Uncomprehended mental

Processes. Instant And Practical Help Is What Is Craved; And Just Such

Help Christ Ever Gave When He Came To Manifest God'S Will And Ways To

Men. By Whose Authority Do Some Religious Teachers Now Lead The

Suffering Through Such A Round-About, Intricate, Or Arid Path Of Things

To Be Done And Doctrines To Be Accepted before Bringing Them To Christ?

 

 

 

But When A Mind Has Become Mystified with Preconceived ideas And

Prejudices, It Is No Easy Task To Reveal To It The Truth, However

Simple. Mrs. Arnot Had Come Into The Light But Slowly Herself, And She

Had Passed through Too Many Deep And Prolonged spiritual Experiences To

Hope For Any Immediate And Radical Change In haldane. Indeed, She Was In

Great Doubt Whether He Would Ever Receive The Faithful Words She

Proposed speaking To Him; And She Fully Believed that Anything He

Attempted in his Own Strength Would Again End In disheartening Failure.

 

 

 

"Egbert," She Said Gently, But Very Gravely, "Have You Fully Settled it

In Your Own Mind That I Am Your Friend And Wish You Well?"

 

 

 

"How Can I Believe Otherwise, Since You Are Here, And Speaking To Me As

You Do?"

 

 

 

"Well, I Am Going To Test Your Faith In me And My Kindness. I Am Going

To Speak Plainly, And Perhaps You May Think Even Harshly. You Are Very

Sick, And If I Am To Be Your Physician I Must Give You Some Sharp,

Decisive Treatment. Will You Remember Through It All That My Only Motive

Is To Make You Well?"

 

 

 

"I Will Try To."

 

 

 

"You Have Kept Away From Me A Long Time. Perhaps When Released from This

Place You Will Again Avoid Me, And I May Never Have Another Opportunity

Like The Present. Now, While You Have A Chance To Think, I Am Going To

Ask You To Face The Consequences Of Your Present Course. Within An Hour

After Passing Out Of This Cell You Will Have It In your Power To Trample

On Your Better Nature And Stupefy Your Mind. But Now, If You Will, You

Have A Chance To Use The Powers God Has Given You, And Settle Finally On

Your Plan Of Life."

 

 

 

"I Have Already Trampled on My Manhood--What Is Worse, I Have Lost It. I

Haven'T Any Courage Or Strength Left."

 

 

 

"That Can Scarcely Be True Of One But Little More Than Twenty. You Are

To Be Here In quietness For The Next Ten Days, I Learn. It Is My

Intention, So Far As It Is In my Power To Bring It About, That You

Deliberately Face The Consequences Of Your Present Course During This

Time. By The Consequences I Do Not Mean What The World Will Think Of

You, But, Rather, The Personal Results Of Your Action--What You Must

Suffer While You Are In the World, And What You Must Suffer When Far

Beyond The World. Egbert, Are You Pleased with Yourself? Are You

Satisfied with Yourself?"

 

 

 

"I Loathe Myself."

 

 

 

"You Can Get Away From The World--You Are Away From It Now, And Soon You

Will Be Away From It Finally--But You Can Never Get Away From Yourself.

Are You Willing To Face An Eternal Consciousness Of Defeat, Failure, And

Personal Baseness?"

 

 

 

He Shuddered, But Was Silent.

 

 

 

"There Is No Place In god'S Pure Heaven For The Drunkard--The Morally

Loathsome And Deformed. Are You Willing To Be Swept Away Among The Chaff

And The Thorns, And To Have, Forever, The Shameful And Humiliating

Knowledge That You Rightfully Belong To The Rubbish Of The Universe? Are

You Willing To Have A Sleepless Memory Tell You In every Torturing Way

Possible What A Noble, Happy Man You Might Have Been, But Would Not Be?

Your Power To Drown Memory And Conscience, And Stupefy Your Mind, Will

Last A Little While Only At Best. How Are You Going To Endure The Time

When You Must Remember Everything and Think Of Everything? These Are

More Important Questions Than What The World Thinks Of You."

 

 

 

"Have You No Pity?" He Groaned.

 

 

 

"Yes, My Heart Overflows With Pity. Is It Not Kindness To Tell You

Whither Your Path Is Leading? If I Had The Power I Would Lay Hold Of

You, And Force You To Come With Me Into The Path Of Life And Safety,"

She Answered, With A Rush Of Tears To Her Eyes.

 

 

 

Her Sympathy Touched him Deeply, And Disarmed her Words Of All Power To

Awaken Resentment.

 

 

 

"Mrs. Arnot," He Cried, Passionately, "I Did Mean--I Did Try--To Do

Better When I Left This Place; But, Between My Own Accursed weakness And

The Hard-Hearted world, I Am Here Again, And Almost Without Hope."

 

 

 

"Egbert, Though I Did Not Discourage You At The Time, I Had Little Hope

Of Your Accomplishing anything When You Left This Cell Some Weeks Since.

You Went Out To Regain Your Old Position And The World'S Favor, As One

Might Look For A Jewel Or Sum Of Money He Had Lost. You Can Never Gain

Even These Advantages In the Way You Proposed, And If You Enjoy Them

Again The Cause Will Exist, Not In what You Do Only, But Chiefly In what

You _Are_. When You Started out To Win The Favor Of Society, From

Which You Had Been Alienated partly By Misfortune, But Largely Through

Your Own Wrong Action, There Was No Radical Change In your Character, Or

Even In your Controlling Motives. You Regretted the Evil Because Of Its

Immediate And Disagreeable Consequences. I Do Not Excuse The World'S

Harshness Toward The Erring; But, After All, If You Can Disabuse Your

Mind Of Prejudice You Will Admit That Its Action Is Very Natural, And

Would, Probably, Have Been Your Own Before You Passed under This Cloud.

Consider What The World Knows Of You. It, After All, Is Quite Shrewd In

Judging Whom It May Trust And Whom It Is Safe To Keep At Arm'S-Length.

Knowing Yourself And Your Own Weaknesses As You Do, Could You Honestly

Recommend Yourself To The Confidence Of Any One? With Your Character

Unchanged, What Guarantee Have You Against The First Temptation Or Gust

Of Passion To Which You Are Subjected? You Had No Lack Of Wounded pride

And Ambition When You Started out, But You Will Surely Admit That Such

Feelings Are Of Little Value Compared with Christian Integrity And Manly

Principle, Which Render Anything Dishonorable Or Base Impossible.

 

 

 

"I Do Not Consider The World'S Favor Worth Very Much, But The World'S

Respect Is, For It Usually Respects Only What Is Respectable. As You

Form A Character That You Can Honestly Respect Yourself, You Will Find

Society Gradually Learning To Share In that Esteem. Believe Me, Egbert,

If You Ever Regain The World'S Lost Favor, Which You Value So Highly,

You Will Discover The First Earnest Of It In your Own Changed and

Purified character. The World Will Pay No Heed to Any Amount Of

Self-Assertion, And Will Remain Equally Indifferent To Appeals And

Upbraidings; But Sooner Or Later It Will Find Out Just What You Are In

Your Essential Life, And Will Estimate You Accordingly. I Have Dwelt On

This Phase Of Your Misfortune Fully, Because I See That It Weighs So

Heavily On Your Heart. Can You Accept My Judgment In the Matter?

Remember, I Have Lived nearly Three Times As Long As You Have, And Speak

From Ripe Experience. I Have Always Been A Close Observer Of Society,

And Am Quite Sure I Am Right. If You Were My Own Son I Would Use The

Same Words."

 

 

 

"Mrs. Arnot," He Replied slowly, With Contracted brow, "You Are Giving

Me Much To Think About. I Fear I Have Been As Stupid As I Have Been Bad.

My Whole Life Seems One Wretched blunder."

 

 

 

"Ah, If You Will Only _Think_, I Shall Have Strong Hopes Of You. But In

Measuring These Questions Do Not Use The Inch Rule Of Time And Earth

Only. As I Have Said Before, Remember You Will Soon Have Done With

Earth Forever, But Never Can You Get Away From God, Nor Be Rid Of

Yourself. You Are On Wretched terms With Both, And Will Be, Whatever

Happens, Until Your Nature Is Brought Into Harmony With God'S Will. We

Are So Made, So Designed in our Every Fibre, That Evil Tortures Us Like

A Diseased nerve; And It Always Will Till We Get Rid Of It. Therefore,

Egbert, Remember--O That I Could Burn It Into Your Consciousness--The

Best That You Can Gain From Your Proposed evil Course Is A Brief Respite

In Base And Sensual Stupefaction, Or Equally Artificial And Unmanly

Excitement, And Then Endless Waking, Bitter Memories, And Torturing

Regret. Face This Truth Now, Before It Is Too Late. Good-By For A Time.

I Will Come Again When I Can; Or You Can Send For Me When You Please;"

And She Gave Him Her Hand In cordial Pressure.

 

 

 

He Did Not Say A Word, But His Face Was Very White, And It Was Evident

That Her Faithful Words Had Opened a Prospect That Had Simply Appalled

Him.