The Divine Comedy MMIX - Walt Sautter (recommended ebook reader TXT) 📗

attending?"
(Jesus looks quizzically at Gabrielle)
GABRIELE
"Remember 'Suffer the little children to come unto me'
I think so!"
WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER
"Okay, then you won't need an alcohol license. If kids are present, no booze! You can't serve wine.
Let me give you a little hint though. Give 'em Jolt or Red Bull. That stuff really gets them into the show."
(she disappears again and returns with a fist full of forms)
WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER
"Here you go. Fill these out and bring them back tomorrow and we'll set you right up."
(Jesus and Gabrielle leave a the building and are met by a man with slicked back hair, high rolled collar smoking a cigar.)
MAN WITH SLICKED HAIR
"Hey - you guys - come here. I heard you're gonna have a rally down at the park next week, right?"
GABRIELE
"Why, yes."
MAN WITH SLICKED HAIR
"And you're gonna have food. What kinda food?"
JESUS
"We're not sure yet."
MAN WITH SLICKED HAIR
"Well, I'm comin' with some of my friends and we like hot dogs and we only like the dogs from the Mr. Weenie trucks. If we get any other kind we all get very upset and when we get upset we upset everybody else, if you know what I mean.
GABRIELE (TURNS TO JESUS)
"I think they call this extortion, Boss."
JESUS
"That's a sin and we can't participate in sinful activities."
MAN WITH SLICKED HAIR
"Sin huh! When we show up at your rally you'll see a real sin!"
JESUS
"What are names of your friends?"
MAN WITH SLICKED HAIR
"Three Finger Sal, Petey the Wire and Pinochle Mike. Why ya gonna give 'em free tickets?"
(he laughs)
(Jesus looks down at his wristband - waves his hands over the man's eyes)
MAN WITH SLICKED HAIR
"I'm blind! I can't see!"
(his cell phone rings and he fumbles to find it)
THREE FINGER SAL
"Joey! Joey! I'm blind! So is Sally and Mikey!
GABRIELE
"Boss - whatever happened to 'whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other'?"
JESUS
"An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth!"
GABRIELE
"Whatever happened to 'Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself'?"
JESUS
"Vengeance be mine sayeth the Lord!"
GABRIELE
"Whatever happened to 'If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink'?"
JESUS
"Whatever happened to you shutting up?
Okay! Okay!"
(Jesus waves his hands again and they regain their sight)
(the day of the rally finally arrives. Notso's brother puts on a tremendous rap concert featuring songs like 'Do You Hear What I Hear - No But I Do Smell Weed' and 'God Rest Ye Merry Hookers')
(Jesus is in the middle of his rousing sermon when a voice comes from the throng)
VOICE FROM THRONG
"Hey - There's no more hot dogs!"
(Jesus looks over to Gabrielle)
JESUS
"Gabrielle. Come over here."
(Gabrielle obliges and Jesus extends his hand)
JESUS
"Here - pull my finger."
(Gabrielle again obliges and a long string of hot dogs issue from Jesus’ sleeve)
(the sermon concludes and it's the time for healing - people line up before Jesus - the line is over two hundred people long)
GABRIELE
"Boss, are we going to do this? We'll be here all night."
JESUS
"You're right. Get me the bullhorn."
"Okay, all diseased persons. I need your attention.

Those with dementia, please get someone to pay attention for you.
All diseases A through I, like acne through ingrown hairs, line up on the left.

J through P like Kuru through the Plague, line up in the middle, and the rest of you with anything like Scabies or Warts on the right.
And remember, no cutting in line. If you cut and say it was because you have Alzheimer’s and you really didn't know you were cutting, I'm still not going to accept that and you will not be cured.

Also, please be advised that some receivers of miracle healing have experienced upset stomach, diarrhea, gas, loose stools and religious image hallucinations in everyday food products and passing clouds. Do not drive or operate machinery immediately after the miracle has been performed."

(Jesus faces the crowd on the left, glances at the wristband, closes his eyes waves his hands several times and roar goes up from the group on the right - crutches fly through the air)
JESUS
"Hebe and Big Ass. Carry those people over in line one that were hit by those flying crutches to line three where the unconscious are to be cured."

“Gabrielle, give me that bullhorn back.
There will be no more crutch throwing. Anyone caught throwing crutches will have his disease reinstated."
(Jesus faces the center line - glances at the wristband and closes his eyes, waves his hands and the crowd roars)
(Jesus now faces the crowd on the right, glances at the wristband, waves his hands, leans backward, rotates his body three times, pulls his head to right and then to the left, bends over and touches his toes three times - the crowd roars)
GABRIELE
"Boss, why was that last miracle so hard?"
JESUS
"What do you mean hard?"
GABRIELE
"Well, you had to do all that bending and twisting and toe touching?"
JESUS
"Oh that!
I was just feeling a little stiff and I was getting the kinks out."
(the crowd begins to leave - Jesus grabs the bullhorn)
JESUS
"Attention.
All those healed; please remember to turn in your Handicap Parking Tags at the gate. Someone will there to collect them before you leave and if you want to put a little in the tip jar, that would be appreciated too.
Also, please go to www.Miracles-R-Us.com to get your very own DVD of your healing to share with friends and family. Only $19.95 plus postage and handling."
(as the crowd leaves a voice calls)
VOICE
"Hey, what about me over here. I didn't get healed."
JESUS
"Are you sure my son?"
(the man lifts up his bare foot)
VOICE
"Look. Do I look like I'm cured?"
(Jesus looks intently but sees nothing)
VOICE
"Onychomycosis."
(Jesus searches the wristband under O and finds nothing)
(the Voice again, impatiently)

"Onychomycosis! Onychomycosis!"
JESUS
"I'm sorry my son. I just can't seem to locate your affliction."
VOICE
"That's just great! You cured everybody else from acrocephalosyndactylia to Zollinger-Ellison Syndrome but not me!
This whole thing smells of bigotry."
(Jesus and his disciples walk home from the rally elated at their success)

ACT V

(the next morning Jesus is awakened by Gabrielle standing at the foot of the bed holding up a newspaper pointing to the headlines)
GABRIELE
"Boss! Boss! Looks at this. It says 'Local Healer Accused of Discrimination and Bigotry'."
JESUS
"Turn on the TV."
TV NEWSCASTER
"Here we are at Four For You talking with Mr. Jason Jorick. Mr. Jorick tell us what happened last evening at Community Park."
JORICK
"Well, I went to the rally at the park and at the end everybody lined up to be healed so I got in the J through P line because I have Onychomycosis. Then everybody got healed, I mean crutches were flying, wheelchairs were over turned and those big googly eyeglasses were all over the ground.
But me, not me. I was still standing suffering with my Onychomycosis. I think it was pure discrimination against people with Onychomycosis. There's no doubt.
We Onychomycosisists aren't going to take it any more. We're going to fight back."
TV NEWSCASTER
"Yes, Mr. Jorick, being a member of the black, bisexual, midget, six-fingered community myself, I thoroughly understand discrimination.
And by the way, I too am a Onychomycosisist."
JESUS
"Hey Gabrielle, look out the window. What's that noise?"
(Gabrielle looks out the window)
GABRIELE
"There's a whole bunch of people out there with signs."
JESUS
"Can you read them?"
GABRIELE
"One of them says 'Healer Sucks'. Oh here's another. It says 'Cure All? - Not if you're a Onychomyc'"
JESUS
"If your a what?"
GABRIELE
"I think it meant to say 'Onychomycosisist' but it won't fit on the sign."
(suddenly there's a knock on the door - Jesus opens the door - there stand three cops)
COP AT DOOR
"Are you Issy Hristo? Were you the bigoted healer at the rally last night?"
JESUS
"Well, uh."
COP AT DOOR
"I have a warrant for your arrest Mr. Hristo. I'll have to come with me."
GABRIELE
"On what charges?"
COP AT DOOR
"Stay out of this Shortie."
GABRIELE
"See that!
You said you were going make me taller and you never did!
Now on second thought - take him away."
COP AT DOOR
"The charge is inflicting injury on a minority. A hate crime."
JESUS
"I didn't inflict an injury on any minority."
COP AT DOOR
"How many people do you know that have Onychomycosis?"
JESUS
"None."
COP AT DOOR
"There you go, he's a minority. Did you cure Mr. Jorick last night?"
JESUS
"Well, no."
COP AT DOOR
"Did you cure everybody else?"
JESUS
"Well, yes."
COP AT DOOR
"Then, how do you think he felt?"
JESUS
"Not to good, I guess."
COP AT DOOR
"Then you severely injured his feelings and additionally left him writhing in pain with his Onychomycosis while everyone else went on their merry way completed cured.
From Mr. Jorick's standpoint, you weren't exactly the Good Samaritan, true?"
JESUS
"I guess you're right."
COP AT DOOR
"Okay, you just confessed. Let's go."
(Jesus is taken to jail)

CONVICT ONE
"Hey Bro, what the rap? Me, myself I'm in for murder."
CONVICT TWO
"Yeah, what's your sheet? Mine's rape."
CONVICT THREE
"I got armed robbery of a nun goin' for me."
JESUS
"I've been charged with a hate crime against a Onychomycosisist"
CONVICT ONE
"Holy! I won't wanta be in your shoes."
CONVICT TWO
"Me neither."
CONVICT THREE
"It don't look good for you Bro."
CONVICT THREE
"I'd say you be lookin' at, at least ten maybe fifteen."
CONVICT ONE
"I'm bettin' I'm seein' the street before you."
JESUS
"But you guys are charged with murder, rape and armed robbery."
CONVICT TWO
"Yeah, but Judge Pylot ain't no murder, and he ain't no raper and he never held nobody up."

JESUS (mutters to himself at first)
“Boy, that name sounds familiar but I just place it.”
(then out loud)
So?"
CONVICT THREE
"But he is a Onychomycosisist."
(Jesus' day in court arrives)
JUDGE PYLOT
"Order in the court! Bailiff - please escort all the protesters from the courtroom.
I understand the emotion being a Onychomycosisist myself but we must have order before we convict this defendant."
(Jesus sits quietly with flashbacks)
(the trial starts and the prosecutor begins)
PROSECUTOR
"This man stands before you accused of a most heinous crime. He, with malice and intent condemned Mr. Jorick to a life of suffering without regard. While curing hundreds of others around him, Mr. Jorick was left to a life despair and shame. This, I say is the height of bigotry and discrimination."
JUDGE PYLOT
"Okay, Mr. Childs, how does the defendant plead?"
MR. CHILDS
"Not guilty your Honor."
JUDGE PYLOT
"Not guilty on what basis?"
MR. CHILDS
"Your Honor, this man is not guilty of bigotry, not guilty of discrimination, not guilty of hate crimes - he's guilty of misunderstanding.
He was healing Mr. Jorick of Distal Subungual Onychomycosis when reality Mr. Jorick suffers from Proximal Subungual Onychomycosis.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please remove your shoes and socks and put your feet on the railing.
Your Honor, let me use this juror's left big toe as defense exhibit one. Now let me call Dr.