Doctor Syn - Russell Thorndyke (new reading txt) š
- Author: Russell Thorndyke
- Performer: -
Book online Ā«Doctor Syn - Russell Thorndyke (new reading txt) šĀ». Author Russell Thorndyke
For I donāt fear my wife now sheās dead.
The captain, amused at the crude words, pushed open the casement and leaned into the room. Whether the sexton saw him or not the captain did not know, but the song changed immediately to a song of the sea:
There*s no swab Hke the captain,
Thereās no swab Hke the captain.
Of all the swabs Iāve ever seen
With a diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle dee
No swab like the captain.
āA very appropriate song, Master Sexton,ā laughed the captain.
Mipps turned round and surveyed the intruder.
āWhy, knock me up solid if it aināt the good captain! The gold of the high noon to you, sir, though there aināt much gold in the sky to-day. I take it as a very friendly piece of impertinence that you should come and look me up so unexpected. Had I knowed of your arrival Iād have had these grizzly relics stowed away, for some folk has a distinct dislike to lookinā at these last dwellinā houses.ā
āYou are used to āem, I suppose, by now?ā said the captain.
āOh, love you, yes, I donāt mind āem. Some undertakers has fearful superstitions about coffins. Some wonāt get in āem to measure āem. Lord! I always does. I lies down inside āem and pops the lid on the top to see if itās airtight.ā
āAwkward if the lid was to stick.ā
āYou may well say that, ācos once it did. But it werenāt so much awkward as peaceful, for after Iād pushed and struggled for a power oā time, I just resigned myself to my fate, feelinā thankful that at any rate I had had the privilege of beinā my own undertaker. I shall never forget my feelinās when my last bit of breath came up and went out. It was just the sort oā feelinā you gets when you drowns, only more so. āCos when you drowns you sees all the bad actions of your life atroopinā before you, but gettinā buried alive is different, ācos you sees all the good actions wot youāve done. Mind you, things Iād clean forgot. Little acts of kindness wot I thought could never have been recorded anywhere. Why, they all walked out, and I seemed to be greatly comforted, ācos, you see, I thought as how I was quite in the runninā for heaven. In fact I was so pleased with my past self that I fairly kicked with delight, and that was the means of bringinā me back to earth, ācos over went these trestles, and the jar I got knocked the stuck lid off. No, Iāve been near gone these many times, but never so near gone as that, for, as you see, I was finished with the undertaker having undertook myself, and I only had to be passed through the parsonās hands and get knocked over the sconce with the sextonās shovel, as Shakespeare says in the play, to be a real āgonner,ā stiff and proper.ā
āA horrible experience. Master Sexton,ā returned the captain.
āIt was in a sense. But I could tell you horribler. I takes a pride in my business, same as you might in yours. Thatās why I went round the world.ā
āOh, youāve been round the world, have you?ā said the captain.
^*Not once nor twice, but many times, and do you know why?ā
āPerhaps the life of the get-rich-quick buccaneers appealed to you?ā remarked Captain Collyer casually.
āThere you goāsuspicious. Canāt you adapt yourself for five minutes? Canāt you make an effort w^hen youāre a-gossipinā with honest folk to forget that there is dishonest ones? I never did see the like. Here we be chattinā quite friendly, and forgettinā our little differences, when you starts accusinā me of beinā a Captain Clegg or an England. Do I look like a bold pirate now'^ Lookinā at me straight sittinā up in this āere coffin, could you say that I looked like a swaggerinā gentleman oā fortune. No, you couldnāt. Very well, then, why go and make unpleasant insinuations against a respectable sexton oā the realm? Mind you, I donāt say as howl didnāt come across some of that breed durinā my travels, and I donāt say as how circumstance, that fickle woman, didnāt at times make me work for āem. But not for long. I held no sort oā likes with the likes oā them, and though some of āem had most engagin* ways, it was easy to see that they was all of āem unadulterated sinners. And swear? God bless your eyes,
Captain, it made you blush like a damned woman to hear āem.ā
āAnd if it was not for gold and adventure that you went, may I ask what tempted you abroad?ā
āCertainly, Captain. It was the love of my work. The zeal to have a look at other sextons, vergers, and undertakers and see what they were a-doinā with the business. But Lord love you, Captain, I soon found as how funerals was done on different plans abroad. Why, I could tell you some things I seed with regard to burials abroad what āud make your flesh creepāaye, and now, too, though the sun is high in the heaven.ā
āWell, IVe an hour to spare. Master Sexton. What do you say to coming along to the Ship and enjoying a drink and a friendly pipe?ā
āI thinks I can do one better than that, thankinā you kindly,ā said the sexton, vaulting with marvellous dexterity out of the lofty coffin to the floor, āfor IVe baccy, pipes, and good brandy all to hand, and if youād care to spend an hour with Sexton Mipps and listen to his babbles, why, light your ^strike me deadā and gulp your spirits and settle your hulk in that there coffin, what hasnāt got no passenger insideāso donāt be frightened ā and weāll shut the window, for itās a-blowinā the fire out; and if you aināt cozy, well, itās not the fault of the sexton, is it now?ā And then Mr. Mipps, after busily providing his guest with the requisites for smoke and drink, and after splitting up a coffin plank to renew the fire, sprang back into the coffin, sitting snug with a glass of brandy and his clay pipe. The captain also was ensconced on a coffin in the corner, and to the crackle of the split coffin plank upon the fire the sexton began to yarn.
FUNERALS may be divided into three classes, for there be solemn funerals, there be grizzly funerals, and there be funny āuns. The funniest funeral I ever did see was in China. Do you know, Captain, they very seldom buries out there? They leaves the blasted coffins above ground. The whole of the countryside is a-littered with āem. For untidy burials China waves the flag, and they has other very funny customs about funerals out there, too. When a fellow goes and dies out there itās a devil of a business he has to go through before he gets fixed up final. Every family out there āas their own very particular priest, you understand, and this very particular priest is always a very sly sort oā dog. The dead āun is put into the coffin, and then the family pays their sly dog a considerable sum oā money in exchange for very hard prayers wot the sly dog makes for āem to his gods. He goes away and prays for weeks on end, askinā his gods just where exactly the family ought to bury their dead āun to enable him to get into heaven by the most convenient route. And as the sly dog gets paid all the time heās a-prayinā, you can bet your wig that he pretends to string them prayers out to some length. And I can tell you those Chinese parsons were up to one or two smart wrinkles. Iāll tell you about a certain Ling Fu Quong. Well, if I hadnāt rung the curtain down, as the stage players say, upon that gentās httle comedy, I believes heād be drawinā in a salary now for a fellow what died some forty years ago. You see it happened like this: I had had business deals on with a smugfaced Chinese merchant wot did business at Shanghai. Well, when I was about to sail for the old country, old smug face came to say how sorry he was I was a-goinā to leave, and hoped heād have the pleasure of doinā business with me again when I come back. Well, we started talkinā and I told him that I should very much like to see a Chinese funeral, and old smug face said that he would gladly oblige me, because a very particular old uncle of his had died and his funeral was shortly to take place. Well, the upshot of it all was that I was invited to go up the river on smug faceās boat to Soochow, where he lived and where his uncle had died, a city some sixty miles away or thereabouts. So there I accordingly went. Have you ever been on one oā them large sampans. Captain? No? Well, itās a long sort oā boat, fitted up very snug indeed, with flowers all trailinā over the side, and all fixed up to look like an old homestead sailinā on the river. After a very pleasant tripāand. Lord love you, I did make that old Chinaman laugh tellinā him things, for I could speak their lingo very well, you understandāwell, after a very pleasant trip we gets to Soochow, and a rummy old place it was. It stood right on top of the river, with its old walls runninā straight down into the muddy water. It was a strong town and important, a town of fighters and wealthy merchantmen. Well, they was all very pleased to see me and received me very proper. Most of āem was a-lookinā over the wall a-wavinā flags at me, and them as āadnāt got none w^ere a-wavinā their pigtails. I might āave been the great Cham for all the fuss they made oā me. Oā course, mind you, I had my enemies. There was a sort oā lord mayor oā the place wot I could see didnāt quite approve of me beinā the nine daysā wonder, but he was one of them self-centred sort oā coves wot donāt like any one to have a fling but hisself. But I didnāt mind him, for, although I was only a little fellow, I had an eye like a vulture, a nose like a swordfish, and when I was put out, a way of lashinā myself about like a tigerās tail wot used to scare them natives. Oā course, mind you, it wasnāt pleasant when you come to think of it, ācos there I was the only Englishman amongst them millions of yellow jacks. But an Englishmanās an Englishman all the world over, aināt he. Captain? and he wants a bit of squashinā, and so that lord mayor discovered, ācos one day I walked right up to him in the street and I clacked my teeth at him so very loud that he ran home and never annoyed me no more. But I was a-goinā to tell you about that funeral. When we got to the front door of old smug faceās house we discovered his uncleās coffin reposinā upon the doorstep very peaceful but in a most awkward sort of position, ācos you had to crawl over the blarsted thing to get in or out oā the door.ā
ā Lord love you, my most excellent Mipps,ā cried old smug face when he saw it, āwhy, thisāll never do, now will it, for my late lamented uncleāāI forget the uncleās name but it was Ling somethingāis fairly blocking up the entrance, aināt it?ā
ā*Ling Fu Quong,ā I
Comments (0)