Patience - Barbara Hofland (red novels txt) 📗
- Author: Barbara Hofland
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displaying those talents for business he had so long suffered to lie
dormant, unquestionably mingled with a resolution arising from better
motives, and together hurried him into a new species of error which was
of the most painful nature to poor Dora, as she continually foresaw that
when he became most worthy to live, it was probable he would die.
She judged but with too much certainty, for in addition to the extreme
weakness contracted by stretching his constitution beyond its powers, he
caught a cold by standing in the large warehouse, which, though slight,
fell with fatal effect on his attenuated frame, and though slow, was
soon sufficiently marked to alarm every person who witnessed its
effects, save the sufferer himself. All confinement was now become so
irksome to him, in consequence of the accession of spirits he had been
sensible of during the late bustle, that his ill-humour again returned;
alas! it was at the best “scaithed, not killed,” for very imperfect were
his ideas of religious self-controul; and every day, and almost every
hour, told Dora that all her work was to do over again, notwithstanding
all that had been suffered or gained.
CHAP. XIII.
Dora had the satisfaction about this time of seeing Harriett for an hour
or two previous to her setting out for Smyrna, having, by her father’s
direction, joined a respectable person going out as a governess. From
her she learned many particulars respecting Frank’s present state of
health and comforts of the most satisfactory nature, and she endeavoured
strongly to impress on the mind of Harriett such a belief of the
improvement in Stancliffe’s conduct, and such pity for his present
state, as might influence her report of him to her family. The utmost
she could obtain on this head, was a promise to say not a single word
which she could avoid, and Dora felt that with this she ought to be
satisfied, for silence was indeed a great kindness in a case where there
was so much obvious to condemnation. Little as she had known of
Harriett, yet the parting was very painful, for never had she felt so
much the want of a friend to whom she might look for consolation and
assistance, and to whom she could open her heart in perfect confidence
as to its feelings, without adverting personally to her situation. With
Frank alone could she enjoy this—with him, she could reason, or pray,
or weep; and, young as he was, so thoroughly could he enter into her
thoughts, and participate her wishes, and so deeply was his mind embued
with devout feelings and religious knowledge, that he might be said to
perform to her the patriarch’s office, and support the enfeebled hands
stretched out to beg for mercy on another.
Short as her absence had been, Stancliffe commented upon it with much
unkindness, but in a manner which implied such an entire dependance upon
her, as to move compassion rather than blame. He had lost his appetite
since his present confinement, more than at any former period, and it
was very difficult to procure any food that could tempt him to eat, yet
he perpetually urged the necessity of doing it, saying, he should never
otherwise recover his strength. As Dora had now only one servant,
besides a little damsel whose duty it was never to quit the apartment of
Mrs. Judith, their food was not always prepared with the attention
necessary to tempt the appetite of an invalid; and although Dora knew
little of the actual duties of a cook, she did her best to obviate these
evils, and became, by care and practice, so far a proficient, that
Stancliffe would not attempt to taste any thing but what she had
prepared. Yet rarely did it happen, that her utmost efforts succeeded;
and when she had satisfied herself the best, and entirely destroyed her
own appetite by bending over a hot fire, with that solicitude peculiar
to a learner, (conscious that a minute too much or too little, may ruin
all her labours) she had, nine times out of ten, the mortification of
seeing her dishes rejected with disgust, and hearing a pathetic
lamentation on the hardships a man experienced who was hungry and had
nothing to eat which he could possibly take.
This evil became one of a growing nature, and included another of great
importance in their present situation, that of expense. Stancliffe, laid
upon the sofa, recollected not only what dainties he used to like, but
the places where they might be purchased, and he never failed to send
for them; but aware also of the expense, busied himself no less in
contriving ways and means whereby the necessary expenditure of his
family might be curtailed. He urged Dora to such various duties, and
such a ceaseless round of employment to this end, that although she was
thankful that the loud and angry tone, and the oath which had formerly
shocked her, were discarded, she yet saw that selfishness held its old
place in the heart, and that he who thought nothing too much for
himself, thought every thing too much for her and the aged relative who
contributed to his support. He was truly penitent for grosser sins, and
sincere in his resolutions for the future, should his health be
restored; nor could she doubt that she now held the first place in his
heart, but even the first was a low seat in a region so devoted to
self-love, so blind to duty, so dead to the demands of gratitude and
affection.
Again Frank, though distant, became the sharer of her cares, and her
effectual assistant, for the commencement of the shooting season enabled
him to supply his sister pretty constantly with game; and the arrival of
Frank’s baskets, or even the expectation of them, broke agreeably on the
wearisome monotony of Stancliffe’s life, whilst his letters cheered the
heart of Dora. Even the old lady partook this pleasure; for at those
times the invalid was in good humour, admitted her visits, and listened
to her regular quotation from Thompson, beginning at the “whirring wing”
of the partridge, and ending no one knew where.
Yet it was observed with mingled feelings of satisfaction, and sorrowful
sympathy, by Dora, that after the first pleasure was past on the receipt
of these presents, Stancliffe usually sunk into deep thought, and by
degrees he happily became more anxious about the donor than his gift,
and the first enquiry was after the letters of Frank—this was succeeded
by the wonder of “how he looks? what he is reading? and whether that
stately old square-toes made him really comfortable?”
“It is evident that he does,” Dora would answer, “from the facility with
which he is enabled to prove kindness to us:—poor fellow! how happy
does it make him to do these things, and if he had money, how gladly
would he send that also.”
Money was unhappily an object which Dora was compelled to desire, as the
reward given to her husband’s short though efficient services, together
with the payment of Mrs. Judith’s annuity, was long since expended, and
although she continued to receive a salary from Mr. Hazlehurst for
certain writing which she could do in her own house, yet her utmost
economy could not enable her to meet the extraordinary expences incurred
by her husband. Every day increased the pressure on her spirits, and her
health was much affected, yet she struggled incessantly to appear
cheerful, and prevent the settled dejection which now oppressed
Stancliffe, from becoming habitual, and to preserve the old lady in her
usual state of childish enjoyment and supposed importance.
Long and melancholy was the winter thus passed; there were no letters
from her father to relieve their pecuniary necessities, no change
occurred to diversify the scene, no friend looked in to cheer them, and
books, those silent but most precious companions, could be rarely
adopted; for poor Dora’s time, when not devoted to the active cares
demanded by her decided invalid, and her elderly charge, was given to
writing tedious translations, which frequently puzzled but never amused
her; and although Stancliffe had generally a book near him, he was
really too poorly, or his mind too much occupied, to derive amusement
from it, or the power of abstracting himself. “Read this to me, Dora,
immediately”—“finish those letters for Hazlehurst”—“warm me this
jelly”—“I wish you would go to the fish-market, directly; every thing I
like will be gone, if you are not quick:” such were the requisitions
which alone varied an existence which it is certain was too busy for
ennu� on her part. When, completely overpowered with toil or anxiety,
she was compelled to take a short respite, Stancliffe always appeared in
much alarm, and shewed her at this period more of that kind attention so
endearing to the heart of woman, than he had done since her bridal
days—it was ever received with thankfulness; but unhappily the eyes of
Dora were opened to her husband’s character, and the general motives
which actuated him; and she feared the value of her life and her
services, not his love or gratitude, were most probably operating in
moments like these. How such fear affects a warm and tender heart,
conscious that it has merited the returns of love, and feeling itself
still capable of full forgiveness of the past, and free confidence for
the future, may be estimated, but can never be described—many a heart
is wrung by it, but few have spoken of the sensation. Dora strove
against these agonizing thoughts, she remembered that there is no state
of mind so dark, but it may be enlightened, so vile, but it may be
purified, so cold and dull, but it may be warmed and quickened.
One Sunday morning, when the invalid appeared something better than
usual, she ventured to propose going to church, to which, contrary to
long precedent, he cheerfully assented. As Dora crept along the most
unfrequented streets, almost with the downcast air of a guilty thing,
envying every woman she passed, who leaned on the arm of a husband or
brother, and walked in peace and happiness to partake the blessings of
social worship, she was led to look back to those happy sabbaths of her
early days at Crickhowel, when the sunshine that lighted up the paradise
around her was reflected from the calm devotion, the untroubled peace,
that made a paradise in her bosom. It was the sacrament day, and she
resolved again to partake of that bread and that cup, which might
strengthen her to pass through the “vale of tears” before her; but the
contemplation of this hallowed refreshment brought so strongly to her
mind the recollection of those sublime emotions which affected her the
first time she approached the table of our Lord, that she felt
astonished to think that within seven years any person could be so
altered as she felt herself to be. “A long life seems to have passed
over me,” said Dora to herself; “and the apathy of age, the exhaustion
of the soul, is come upon me—I will, and I can lament my sins, and
listen in humility to exhortation; but to rejoice even in the glad
tidings of salvation is no longer in my power—I may smile in the face
to man, but I cannot lift up my heart in the triumph of holy joy to
God—the last tear of holy rapture has visited my eyes thus early.”
Dora was mistaken.
We will not presume to speak farther of those aspirations of the
Christian’s soul which in worship, whether private or public, unites the
creature in some measure to the Creator, and gives it a foretaste of
that immortality which has always the blessed effect of rendering our
severest duties easy, and our sharpest sorrows less
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