Rilla of Ingleside - Lucy Maud Montgomery (the gingerbread man read aloud .TXT) š
- Author: Lucy Maud Montgomery
- Performer: 1594624275
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āThe coming of the mail is the most exciting event of every day now. Father just snatches the paperāI never saw father snatch beforeāand the rest of us crowd round and look at the headlines over his shoulder. Susan vows she does not and will not believe a word the papers say but she always comes to the kitchen door, and listens and then goes back, shaking her head. She is terribly indignant all the time, but she cooks up all the things Jem likes especially, and she did not make a single bit of fuss when she found Monday asleep on the spare-room bed yesterday right on top of Mrs. Rachel Lyndeās apple-leaf spread. āThe Almighty only knows where your master will be having to sleep before long, you poor dumb beast,ā she said as she put him quite gently out. But she never relents towards Doc. She says the minute he saw Jem in khaki he turned into Mr. Hyde then and there and she thinks that ought to be proof enough of what he really is. Susan is funny, but she is an old dear. Shirley says she is one half angel and the other half good cook. But then Shirley is the only one of us she never scolds.
āFaith Meredith is wonderful. I think she and Jem are really engaged now. She goes about with a shining light in her eyes, but her smiles are a little stiff and starched, just like motherās. I wonder if I could be as brave as she is if I had a lover and he was going to the war. It is bad enough when it is your brother. Bruce Meredith cried all night, Mrs. Meredith says, when he heard Jem and Jerry were going. And he wanted to know if the āK of K.ā his father talked about was the King of Kings. He is the dearest kiddy. I just love himāthough I donāt really care much for children. I donāt like babies one bitāthough when I say so people look at me as if I had said something perfectly shocking. Well, I donāt, and Iāve got to be honest about it. I donāt mind looking at a nice clean baby if somebody else holds itābut I wouldnāt touch it for anything and I donāt feel a single real spark of interest in it. Gertrude Oliver says she just feels the same. (She is the most honest person I know. She never pretends anything.) She says babies bore her until they are old enough to talk and then she likes themābut still a good ways off. Mother and Nan and Di all adore babies and seem to think Iām unnatural because I donāt.
āI havenāt seen Kenneth since the night of the party. He was here one evening after Jem came back but I happened to be away. I donāt think he mentioned me at allāat least nobody told me he did and I was determined I wouldnāt askābut I donāt care in the least. All that matters absolutely nothing to me now. The only thing that does matter is that Jem has volunteered for active service and will be going to Valcartier in a few more daysāmy big, splendid brother Jem. Oh, Iām so proud of him!
āI suppose Kenneth would enlist too if it werenāt for his ankle. I think that is quite providential. He is his motherās only son and how dreadful she would feel if he went. Only sons should never think of going!ā
Walter came wandering through the valley as Rilla sat there, with his head bent and his hands clasped behind him. When he saw Rilla he turned abruptly away; then as abruptly he turned and came back to her.
āRilla-my-Rilla, what are you thinking of?ā
āEverything is so changed, Walter,ā said Rilla wistfully. āEven youā youāre changed. A week ago we were all so happyāandāandānow I just canāt find myself at all. Iām lost.ā
Walter sat down on a neighbouring stone and took Rillaās little appealing hand.
āIām afraid our old world has come to an end, Rilla. Weāve got to face that fact.ā
āItās so terrible to think of Jem,ā pleaded Rilla. āSometimes I forget for a little while what it really means and feel excited and proudāand then it comes over me again like a cold wind.ā
āI envy Jem!ā said Walter moodily.
āEnvy Jem! Oh, Walter youāyou donāt want to go too.ā
āNo,ā said Walter, gazing straight before him down the emerald vistas of the valley, āno, I donāt want to go. Thatās just the trouble. Rilla, Iām afraid to go. Iām a coward.ā
āYouāre not!ā Rilla burst out angrily. āWhy, anybody would be afraid to go. You might beāwhy, you might be killed.ā
āI wouldnāt mind that if it didnāt hurt,ā muttered Walter. āI donāt think Iām afraid of death itselfāitās of the pain that might come before deathāit wouldnāt be so bad to die and have it overābut to keep on dying! Rilla, Iāve always been afraid of paināyou know that. I canāt help itāI shudder when I think of the possibility of being mangled orāor blinded. Rilla, I cannot face that thought. To be blind ānever to see the beauty of the world againāmoonlight on Four Windsā the stars twinkling through the fir-treesāmist on the gulf. I ought to goāI ought to want to goābut I donātāI hate the thought of itā Iām ashamedāashamed.ā
āBut, Walter, you couldnāt go anyhow,ā said Rilla piteously. She was sick with a new terror that Walter would go after all. āYouāre not strong enough.ā
āI am. Iāve felt as fit as ever I did this last month. Iād pass any examinationāI know it. Everybody thinks Iām not strong yetāand Iām skulking behind that belief. IāI should have been a girl,ā Walter concluded in a burst of passionate bitterness.
āEven if you were strong enough, you oughtnāt to go,ā sobbed Rilla. āWhat would mother do? Sheās breaking her heart over Jem. It would kill her to see you both go.ā
āOh, Iām not goingādonāt worry. I tell you Iām afraid to goāafraid. I donāt mince the matter to myself. Itās a relief to own up even to you, Rilla. I wouldnāt confess it to anybody elseāNan and Di would despise me. But I hate the whole thingāthe horror, the pain, the ugliness. War isnāt a khaki uniform or a drill paradeāeverything Iāve read in old histories haunts me. I lie awake at night and see things that have happenedāsee the blood and filth and misery of it all. And a bayonet charge! If I could face the other things I could never face that. It turns me sick to think of itāsicker even to think of giving it than receiving itāto think of thrusting a bayonet through another man.ā Walter writhed and shuddered. āI think of these things all the timeā and it doesnāt seem to me that Jem and Jerry ever think of them. They laugh and talk about āpotting Hunsā! But it maddens me to see them in the khaki. And they think Iām grumpy because Iām not fit to go.ā
Walter laughed bitterly. āIt is not a nice thing to feel yourself a coward.ā But Rilla got her arms about him and cuddled her head on his shoulder. She was so glad he didnāt want to goāfor just one minute she had been horribly frightened. And it was so nice to have Walter confiding his troubles to herāto her, not Di. She didnāt feel so lonely and superfluous any longer.
āDonāt you despise me, Rilla-my-Rilla?ā asked Walter wistfully. Somehow, it hurt him to think Rilla might despise himāhurt him as much as if it had been Di. He realized suddenly how very fond he was of this adoring kid sister with her appealing eyes and troubled, girlish face.
āNo, I donāt. Why, Walter, hundreds of people feel just as you do. You know what that verse of Shakespeare in the old Fifth Reader saysāāthe brave man is not he who feels no fear.āā
āNoābut it is āhe whose noble soul its fear subdues.ā I donāt do that. We canāt gloss it over, Rilla. Iām a coward.ā
āYouāre not. Think of how you fought Dan Reese long ago.ā
āOne spurt of courage isnāt enough for a lifetime.ā
āWalter, one time I heard father say that the trouble with you was a sensitive nature and a vivid imagination. You feel things before they really comeāfeel them all alone when there isnāt anything to help you bear themāto take away from them. It isnāt anything to be ashamed of. When you and Jem got your hands burned when the grass was fired on the sandhills two years ago Jem made twice the fuss over the pain that you did. As for this horrid old war, thereāll be plenty to go without you. It wonāt last long.ā
āI wish I could believe it. Well, itās supper-time, Rilla. Youād better run. I donāt want anything.ā
āNeither do I. I couldnāt eat a mouthful. Let me stay here with you, Walter. Itās such a comfort to talk things over with someone. The rest all think that Iām too much of a baby to understand.ā
So they two sat there in the old valley until the evening star shone through a pale-grey, gauzy cloud over the maple grove, and a fragrant dewy darkness filled their little sylvan dell. It was one of the evenings Rilla was to treasure in remembrance all her lifeāthe first one on which Walter had ever talked to her as if she were a woman and not a child. They comforted and strengthened each other. Walter felt, for the time being at least, that it was not such a despicable thing after all to dread the horror of war; and Rilla was glad to be made the confidante of his strugglesāto sympathize with and encourage him. She was of importance to somebody.
When they went back to Ingleside they found callers sitting on the veranda. Mr. and Mrs. Meredith had come over from the manse, and Mr. and Mrs. Norman Douglas had come up from the farm. Cousin Sophia was there also, sitting with Susan in the shadowy background. Mrs. Blythe and Nan and Di were away, but Dr. Blythe was home and so was Dr.
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