Dating & Courtship - Stephen Picklesimer (english novels for students TXT) 📗
- Author: Stephen Picklesimer
Book online «Dating & Courtship - Stephen Picklesimer (english novels for students TXT) 📗». Author Stephen Picklesimer
interests compatible with those of the person you are considering for marriage? How many of them are mutual—how many “line up”? If there are not at least two or three, trouble lies ahead. You will find that although you share the same last name, you live in different worlds. Just the matter of whether or not one party wants to have pets, and the other party “hates animals,” probably means incompatibility—because this can almost single-handedly ensure marital misery.
Also, it is good if you have some interests that are dissimilar, even apart from those that may be specific to men or women. Every couple needs time apart, so that they can think, reflect and gather themselves. However (and this can be a problem), some people need more time apart than others. If the disparity in thinking on this point is too great, give pause. “Lone wolves” rarely do well with wives who are “clingy” and possessive.
Much food for thought in this section!
Dealing With the Past
Everyone brings a certain amount of “baggage” into a marriage. The fact that you have been alive for perhaps 25 years means that you have said, done or been things you wish you could change. There are no exceptions to this rule. Of course, many kinds of mistakes, sins, past weaknesses and faults, and habits can remain in the past. Some of them absolutely should! However, there are some that should not—and actually MUST NOT! If left undisclosed at the outset, they can immediately end the marriage in God’s sight once they are discovered.
There are only two valid biblical reasons for ending a marriage. One is marital fraud, and this is the one that needs to be addressed here. Let’s understand. If, prior to marriage, a serious problem from the past is not disclosed—one that might have changed the prospective mate’s mind toward marriage had it been known—this constitutes fraud, thus potentially nullifying the marriage in God’s sight.
Sadly, one of the most common issues involving fraud is pre-marital sex. If you are not a virgin at marriage, you must disclose that fact to your prospective mate. While you should be careful not to explain too many details or events, you must bring up the subject in general terms. Once the prospective wife (for instance) is told, she has a choice of whether she wants to continue toward marriage. If she does wish to continue, she absolutely has to forgive and strive to forget what was mentioned. (Of course, this is also true if she does not wish to continue the relationship. Either way, what has been disclosed can NEVER again be brought up by her to anyone!)
Prior to marriage, a frank discussion must take place having to do with previous sex sins. This is the Bible principle. If one person is a virgin, and expects to marry a virgin, but the other person is not, this must be made known to the first party. At this point, the decision must be made. If you did not disclose this, and she/he learned of it after the marriage, this constitutes fraud and is grounds for annulment of the marriage. Once again, if fraud has occurred, it is at this point that a decision must be made to continue or to end the marriage. This is not something that can be revisited for reconsideration, during difficult times, later in the marriage.
Fornication is not the only category of conduct eligible for disclosure. Others would be: past homosexual conduct, drug abuse, alcoholism, bankruptcy or severely bad credit, time in jail or prison, life-threatening illness or some kind of serious genetic predisposition toward specific disease, general lack of sexual interest, among others. In other words, disclose before marriage anything—meaning any past really serious misstep or character flaw—that you would want to know (or that you feel would make a difference), and that the other person would also almost certainly want to know (Matt. 7:12). A scriptural obligation exists to disclose all such issues. (The reader may feel it helpful or even necessary to read our booklet Understanding Divorce and Remarriage in this regard.)
Marriage is a lifelong contract between two people. What other contract carries either such profound implications or long duration? Like any contract, both parties must receive what they bargained for. In the courts of men, lack of disclosure can be grounds for legal action.
However, fraud is not merely discovering after marriage that your mate is stubborn—or selfish—or proud—or foolish—or temperamental—or unteachable. You should be able to, and should take time to, discern these things before you ever get married. These are character traits, common to one degree or another in every human being. Obviously, real problems, in any of these or similar areas, become their own red flag about whether to proceed. But they can never be considered grounds for fraud.
When Wedding Bells First Ring…
Many think that the first time they will hear wedding bells is on the wedding day. In a very important sense, this is not true!
At some point in every relationship, each member of the couple begins to hear “wedding bells,” but only in the mind. This may happen at very different times for each party—and usually does.
Typically, in their minds, women advance to the wedding day more quickly than do men. Although this should not happen, for the woman who is carefully withholding her emotions and final commitment throughout the decision-making process, it is still often the case. Because of its specialness, women tend to prepare for and look forward to this day before men do. They often see themselves buying a dress, planning the details, inviting their friends, etc. A woman may have been working on her “hope chest” for years. This has unconsciously conditioned her to see past where the relationship actually is.
The man should be aware that this may be the woman’s frame of mind before, or even well before, engagement—the time of his decision to propose to her. So, he must be very careful not to send any signals too early that could be misinterpreted. The woman should also be on guard not to “over read” the man’s words or actions.
Here is why this is vitally important: At the courtship stage, marriage is not a foregone conclusion. Both parties should be able to freely call it off if they feel led to do this. After all, this is the whole purpose of much of what you have read throughout this chapter. The courtship process, if done properly, is all to occur before a final decision has been made.
Although the woman should be careful not to unnecessarily hurt the man if she decides to call it off, the man must be even more careful! The woman has possibly or even probably already heard wedding bells in her mind. As a man, it is your duty to never, never, NEVER lead a woman on! Few things could be more cruel. (Of course, this also applies to women, but it does not happen as often.)
Take a moment to carefully read Proverbs 30:18-19. It references the phrase “The way of a man with a maid.” We have previously discussed how a woman is designed to submit to a man—to release herself emotionally, psychologically, mentally and physically to the “man of her dreams.”
A related side note fits here. Solomon’s reference to “the way of a man with a maid”—to a man’s special “power,” if you will, over a woman—often comes into play when his goal is to “get sex” from her. Experience shows that a woman will often “release” herself in fornication to the man she thinks has committed to her. While this should not be happening with the couple striving to obey and please God, this special “power” is another reason the man has a serious obligation in the relationship to be completely upfront about his intentions.
All of this said, every man has a real responsibility to be extremely gentle when telling a woman that he does not want to pursue her any further. Of course, he should also tell her of his feelings as soon as possible. (At the same time, he must not feel forced to say too much too soon, before he knows his own feelings, simply because he fears the woman could be hurt if he says nothing.)
The longer a relationship has continued, the more problematic will be the decision to break it off. Both parties should be very careful not to ever play with the heart-strings of another human being. Too much is at stake!
When Are We Ready For Marriage?
Whenever I counsel a couple for marriage, I ask them the following questions. This final checklist aids in knowing beyond reasonable doubt that one is ready to make the decision to marry a specific person. Answer each question honestly.
First, do you deeply love her? Similarly, do you know that she deeply loves you? Do you have any doubts? Do not answer this question reflexively on a whim of emotion, but ask—“Is it really love?” Trying to foresee the depth of your love in many different situations, ask, “Will it last?”
Do you think you are mature enough to get married? In the same vein, do you think that your potential spouse is mature enough? (Take the time to read our article “Are You Emotionally Mature?”)
What is your financial situation? Have you carefully planned a specific course of action from now until the wedding? Do you know how much money you (both) will have? Do you have a steady job? Are you still in school? Do you have a car? Are there payments left? What are your savings? You should ask these questions of both yourself and your potential spouse, and be certain to budget together. Also, there are extra, sometimes unforeseen, expenses prior to the wedding. Then there is the cost of the honeymoon. And this is followed by certain essential expenses just to set up the household.
Have you planned for all these things?
Be sure that you are prepared to live within your means. If you do not have enough at this point to make ends meet with some funds left over, it may be best to wait a while. While it is a lovely platitude, do not think, “We can live on love.” Remember, “love” needs to eat and pay the light bill. But neither let yourself fall into thinking that you can only get married when you have achieved 100% financial security. You do not need a vested retirement fund before you can think about a marriage fund. Many who wait until their late twenties or early thirties do so with this in mind.
Have you adequately talked about your dreams and goals? Are you sure you share many in common? Are you excited about where your relationship will go? Can you foresee working together on small and large projects throughout your marriage?
Is there anything in his or her personality or background that is producing RESERVATIONS? Do you have any doubts? Are you uncertain about anything? While you may have certain reservations or questions, this does not necessarily mean you are not ready. If some concerns persist, leaving you uncomfortable, heed them and seek counsel.
Most importantly, do you have doubts about his SPIRITUALITY? Have you taken the time to discuss sermons or literature that you have read? Is there a depth—a maturity—to her spiritual understanding?
Take time to look for reasons why it would NOT work out—do not only focus on why it WOULD! And do this independently, only later comparing notes. Remember that your mind is naturally deceitful, and you could be fooling yourself (Jer. 17:9). If you cannot cite any apparent weaknesses in your spouse-to-be, you are blind. And, despite what you have heard, love is not blind. You should be able to see, come to grips with and accept the particular set of weaknesses you are choosing to live
Also, it is good if you have some interests that are dissimilar, even apart from those that may be specific to men or women. Every couple needs time apart, so that they can think, reflect and gather themselves. However (and this can be a problem), some people need more time apart than others. If the disparity in thinking on this point is too great, give pause. “Lone wolves” rarely do well with wives who are “clingy” and possessive.
Much food for thought in this section!
Dealing With the Past
Everyone brings a certain amount of “baggage” into a marriage. The fact that you have been alive for perhaps 25 years means that you have said, done or been things you wish you could change. There are no exceptions to this rule. Of course, many kinds of mistakes, sins, past weaknesses and faults, and habits can remain in the past. Some of them absolutely should! However, there are some that should not—and actually MUST NOT! If left undisclosed at the outset, they can immediately end the marriage in God’s sight once they are discovered.
There are only two valid biblical reasons for ending a marriage. One is marital fraud, and this is the one that needs to be addressed here. Let’s understand. If, prior to marriage, a serious problem from the past is not disclosed—one that might have changed the prospective mate’s mind toward marriage had it been known—this constitutes fraud, thus potentially nullifying the marriage in God’s sight.
Sadly, one of the most common issues involving fraud is pre-marital sex. If you are not a virgin at marriage, you must disclose that fact to your prospective mate. While you should be careful not to explain too many details or events, you must bring up the subject in general terms. Once the prospective wife (for instance) is told, she has a choice of whether she wants to continue toward marriage. If she does wish to continue, she absolutely has to forgive and strive to forget what was mentioned. (Of course, this is also true if she does not wish to continue the relationship. Either way, what has been disclosed can NEVER again be brought up by her to anyone!)
Prior to marriage, a frank discussion must take place having to do with previous sex sins. This is the Bible principle. If one person is a virgin, and expects to marry a virgin, but the other person is not, this must be made known to the first party. At this point, the decision must be made. If you did not disclose this, and she/he learned of it after the marriage, this constitutes fraud and is grounds for annulment of the marriage. Once again, if fraud has occurred, it is at this point that a decision must be made to continue or to end the marriage. This is not something that can be revisited for reconsideration, during difficult times, later in the marriage.
Fornication is not the only category of conduct eligible for disclosure. Others would be: past homosexual conduct, drug abuse, alcoholism, bankruptcy or severely bad credit, time in jail or prison, life-threatening illness or some kind of serious genetic predisposition toward specific disease, general lack of sexual interest, among others. In other words, disclose before marriage anything—meaning any past really serious misstep or character flaw—that you would want to know (or that you feel would make a difference), and that the other person would also almost certainly want to know (Matt. 7:12). A scriptural obligation exists to disclose all such issues. (The reader may feel it helpful or even necessary to read our booklet Understanding Divorce and Remarriage in this regard.)
Marriage is a lifelong contract between two people. What other contract carries either such profound implications or long duration? Like any contract, both parties must receive what they bargained for. In the courts of men, lack of disclosure can be grounds for legal action.
However, fraud is not merely discovering after marriage that your mate is stubborn—or selfish—or proud—or foolish—or temperamental—or unteachable. You should be able to, and should take time to, discern these things before you ever get married. These are character traits, common to one degree or another in every human being. Obviously, real problems, in any of these or similar areas, become their own red flag about whether to proceed. But they can never be considered grounds for fraud.
When Wedding Bells First Ring…
Many think that the first time they will hear wedding bells is on the wedding day. In a very important sense, this is not true!
At some point in every relationship, each member of the couple begins to hear “wedding bells,” but only in the mind. This may happen at very different times for each party—and usually does.
Typically, in their minds, women advance to the wedding day more quickly than do men. Although this should not happen, for the woman who is carefully withholding her emotions and final commitment throughout the decision-making process, it is still often the case. Because of its specialness, women tend to prepare for and look forward to this day before men do. They often see themselves buying a dress, planning the details, inviting their friends, etc. A woman may have been working on her “hope chest” for years. This has unconsciously conditioned her to see past where the relationship actually is.
The man should be aware that this may be the woman’s frame of mind before, or even well before, engagement—the time of his decision to propose to her. So, he must be very careful not to send any signals too early that could be misinterpreted. The woman should also be on guard not to “over read” the man’s words or actions.
Here is why this is vitally important: At the courtship stage, marriage is not a foregone conclusion. Both parties should be able to freely call it off if they feel led to do this. After all, this is the whole purpose of much of what you have read throughout this chapter. The courtship process, if done properly, is all to occur before a final decision has been made.
Although the woman should be careful not to unnecessarily hurt the man if she decides to call it off, the man must be even more careful! The woman has possibly or even probably already heard wedding bells in her mind. As a man, it is your duty to never, never, NEVER lead a woman on! Few things could be more cruel. (Of course, this also applies to women, but it does not happen as often.)
Take a moment to carefully read Proverbs 30:18-19. It references the phrase “The way of a man with a maid.” We have previously discussed how a woman is designed to submit to a man—to release herself emotionally, psychologically, mentally and physically to the “man of her dreams.”
A related side note fits here. Solomon’s reference to “the way of a man with a maid”—to a man’s special “power,” if you will, over a woman—often comes into play when his goal is to “get sex” from her. Experience shows that a woman will often “release” herself in fornication to the man she thinks has committed to her. While this should not be happening with the couple striving to obey and please God, this special “power” is another reason the man has a serious obligation in the relationship to be completely upfront about his intentions.
All of this said, every man has a real responsibility to be extremely gentle when telling a woman that he does not want to pursue her any further. Of course, he should also tell her of his feelings as soon as possible. (At the same time, he must not feel forced to say too much too soon, before he knows his own feelings, simply because he fears the woman could be hurt if he says nothing.)
The longer a relationship has continued, the more problematic will be the decision to break it off. Both parties should be very careful not to ever play with the heart-strings of another human being. Too much is at stake!
When Are We Ready For Marriage?
Whenever I counsel a couple for marriage, I ask them the following questions. This final checklist aids in knowing beyond reasonable doubt that one is ready to make the decision to marry a specific person. Answer each question honestly.
First, do you deeply love her? Similarly, do you know that she deeply loves you? Do you have any doubts? Do not answer this question reflexively on a whim of emotion, but ask—“Is it really love?” Trying to foresee the depth of your love in many different situations, ask, “Will it last?”
Do you think you are mature enough to get married? In the same vein, do you think that your potential spouse is mature enough? (Take the time to read our article “Are You Emotionally Mature?”)
What is your financial situation? Have you carefully planned a specific course of action from now until the wedding? Do you know how much money you (both) will have? Do you have a steady job? Are you still in school? Do you have a car? Are there payments left? What are your savings? You should ask these questions of both yourself and your potential spouse, and be certain to budget together. Also, there are extra, sometimes unforeseen, expenses prior to the wedding. Then there is the cost of the honeymoon. And this is followed by certain essential expenses just to set up the household.
Have you planned for all these things?
Be sure that you are prepared to live within your means. If you do not have enough at this point to make ends meet with some funds left over, it may be best to wait a while. While it is a lovely platitude, do not think, “We can live on love.” Remember, “love” needs to eat and pay the light bill. But neither let yourself fall into thinking that you can only get married when you have achieved 100% financial security. You do not need a vested retirement fund before you can think about a marriage fund. Many who wait until their late twenties or early thirties do so with this in mind.
Have you adequately talked about your dreams and goals? Are you sure you share many in common? Are you excited about where your relationship will go? Can you foresee working together on small and large projects throughout your marriage?
Is there anything in his or her personality or background that is producing RESERVATIONS? Do you have any doubts? Are you uncertain about anything? While you may have certain reservations or questions, this does not necessarily mean you are not ready. If some concerns persist, leaving you uncomfortable, heed them and seek counsel.
Most importantly, do you have doubts about his SPIRITUALITY? Have you taken the time to discuss sermons or literature that you have read? Is there a depth—a maturity—to her spiritual understanding?
Take time to look for reasons why it would NOT work out—do not only focus on why it WOULD! And do this independently, only later comparing notes. Remember that your mind is naturally deceitful, and you could be fooling yourself (Jer. 17:9). If you cannot cite any apparent weaknesses in your spouse-to-be, you are blind. And, despite what you have heard, love is not blind. You should be able to see, come to grips with and accept the particular set of weaknesses you are choosing to live
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