My Personal Hell - D. Richardson (read with me .txt) 📗

“Neither do I.” He met my gaze. And then nodded at our understanding. “But,” I started, his look was guarded, prepared for the worst of my demands. “I want to be on that battlefield.” He immediately shook his head, standing as though to leave the room.

“No, out of the question, you’ll be here defending the pack with the others.”

“I need to be on that battle field, and as much as you hate it you need me there,” my voice rose, mostly to keep him from leaving the room. Everyone else had stepped back out of the line of fire.

“Why! We have plenty of males, or at least we will.”

“Maybe, but it’d be a tactical advantage and you know it. They will not be expecting a female on the field and you know they will underestimate me.” He spun on me.

“It’s not worth the risk!” he yelled.

“It’s not anymore risk than you, or Asher, or Bastion! Bastion is the best trainer this pack has seen in generations, Asher is the future alpha, you are the Alpha! I’m the most expendable person here.”

“And me?” Sadler said stepping forward. “Am I expendable?” I groaned, this was definitely being taken out of context. “Because the way I see it we’re in the same position.” I shook my head.

“No, we’re not. On paper, sure, but not in actuality. We hold the same position, but you have been here far longer. You actually have men under your command that need you. There is no one that depends on me. If something happens to me, some people may be sad, but they’d get over it. If anyone else dies it will hit way harder.

“Besides they are the future of this pack, they have all of the potential in the world. If I have to die to protect that then so be it. Better a wayward wolf with no future than the future of an entire pack. And anyway,” I continued turning to Drake. “You said you’d have six of your best fighters on that field. I’m one of them, and I think I know two more that aren’t male. Don’t make us useless just because we’re female. Don’t waste the resources, if you do you might as well throw in the towel now. Because the females being protected won’t mean a damn thing if that battle is lost.”

“The males can handle it,” he growled.

“Sure, with casualties. Come on, Drake!” I yelled, running hand over my hair, my frustration mounting. “Stop thinking of this as sending females to fight, and start thinking of us as an advantage. Because that’s what we are! Every single damn male that sees us will underestimate us. They always have. And in the moment that they decide that we can wipe the floor with them. It’s the best strategy possible and you know it!” He pointed a finger at me.

“Can you guarantee that not a single female will die? That I won‘t have to go to any mother and father and tell them that I sent their daughter off to slaughter?” he asked, I scoffed.

“Can you guarantee that not a single male will die? That you won‘t have to go to any mother and father and tell them that you sent their son off to slaughter?” I asked in return. He took several deep breaths, unable to answer. “Of course I can’t guarantee that, no one can. But I can guarantee that you will have less casualties if you do send them. Because, believe it or not, when it comes to a fight between a male and female, strength doesn’t mean shit.

“Men are built to be stronger, women are built to be quick. None of us can probably out match a male in strength, but we’re quicker, and we think faster. Females spend their lives figuring out how to do what men do by sheer strength, and we still manage it, with the same quality of work. We are trained throughout our entire lives to overcome our own limitations. We fight twice as hard because we have twice as much to lose.”

“You don’t know that,” he muttered, and I snapped.

“I killed a man! A rogue at least twice my size and twice my strength while I was pinned under him! If I haven’t proven myself by now then you can go to hell!” I walked out. I just couldn’t keep going. It was to much.

Sadler

Silence filled the room after she left. Too many emotions were running high. The tension was so thick it was hard to breath. But I knew one thing. I didn’t want her on that battle field. Too many of the wolves that will be there will target her specifically. She’s made to many enemies.

“Drake,” Becca said softly. He held up a hand to stop whatever it was that she was going to say.

“No, it’s not happening. I’m not putting her in the line of fire like that.” She nodded.

“Okay, but that doesn’t mean you can’t see what she and the others can do.” He looked over at her. She shrugged. “It’s obvious that they’ve been working hard.” She gave a light chuckle. “Ailith doesn’t do anything half assed. If she decides to do something she goes all the way. And I love you, but you can’t afford to be narrow minded about this. If the fate of the pack relies on the females, then its time they got to have a hand in its future. If you want to win you have to use every tool at your disposal. She’s done too much for us for you to just write her off.” She stood to leave, but turned at the last second. “And before you deny her this, maybe you should find out why it’s so important to her.”

“How am I supposed to do that?” he asked, his frustration evident. She raised a brow at him.

“Just ask.” Then she walked out. She had a point. I’d never known Ailith to just not answer a question. She was too polite.

Drake sighed and the rest of us sagged a little. Then he turned to the rest of us. But we didn’t know what to say. Even Bastion seemed torn. And he had advocated for Ailith more than once.

“What should I do?” he asked, helpless. It was amazing how much turmoil one female could cause.

“She’ll get in the way,” Asher replied, though he didn’t have any heat in his words. He looked helpless, like things weren’t as cut and dry as he would have liked them to be.

“Only if we put her there,” Bastion replied.

“How’s that?” Drake asked, though he was staring at his hands. Bastion gave a one armed shrug, before moving to sit next to him.

“Ailith doesn’t act, she reacts. A purely defensive fighter. If we give her some space, let her do her own thing, nine times out of ten she’ll come out on top. We just have to trust her to take care of herself.”

“But she never has,” Drake breathed. “You had to have six males gang up on her to break her from just taking a beating.”

“Yes, and she got up. She came back fighting and since then she’s managed to become the youngest commander in generations. I hate to say it, because I don’t want to see her hurt, but I think she’s earned the chance to stand with us.”

“And what if this is the one time she doesn’t come out on top? What if she’s hurt too badly to get back up?” Bastion shrugged.

“Then its no more of a risk than you would ask your own son to take. Admit it, Drake. You‘re proud of her. We all are. For a lone female, and a half breed at that, she‘s one of the strongest wolves I‘ve ever seen, and I knew your father.”

“I know she’s strong, and I am proud of her.”

“Then why don’t you trust her?”

“I do. I trust her to look out for my girls, for the kids, for any lower ranked wolf in the pack, and that’s what scares me. If she dies, it won’t be because someone attacked her, it’ll be because she got in the way of someone else being attacked.”

“Which could happen any day of the week,” Bastion replied.

“She’s too important to risk like that.”

“What do you mean?” Drake looked at me. I hadn’t even realized that I was the one that asked.

“She’s managed to save this pack twice since she’s been here. Both times in ways that no one even suspected it was in danger. I need her here to keep an eye on things. She thinks so far outside of the box that she’s even the tiniest things. With her here, watching the outside like she does, we finally have a chance to make everything right. To make every wolf that lives here happy and comfortable. And she never even hesitates to do so.”

“Have you told her that?” I asked. Remembering how she had referred to herself as a wayward wolf with no future.

“I didn’t think I had too,” he replied, looking pained. I shook my head.

“She’s still working on her self worth, Drake.” He sighed and stood.

“I guess I’ll go talk to her. If I’m lucky she won’t bite my head off.” He stepped into the doorway, then paused looking confused. “Anyone happen to know where she went?” Several chuckles went around the room.

“Try the garden. That’s where she goes when she needs to think,” Jen answered shrugging, “Plenty of room to move around.” Everyone stared at her for a moment, having forgotten she was there. Then Drake nodded and left.

Drake

Sure enough there she was, walking along the flowered paths. She barely even looked at them as she made her way over to the apple tree. Her hand lifted and plucked one from a branch. She didn’t eat it, just tossed it from hand to hand.

I had no idea where to begin. Then Becca’s words came to mind. ‘Just ask,’ it seemed like it was worth a shot, so I stepped off the porch and made my way over to her. She tensed when she saw me, but didn’t stop walking. It didn’t take long before I was walking at her side.

“Why do you want to do this so badly?” I asked, she didn’t pause but she did glance up at me.

“My entire life I was the victim. Never in the position to fight back, or call them on what they were doing. When I was living with Luke, it was the same. Always pain, never restitution.

“The girls that Tom brutalized got theirs. It didn’t take away what they went through. It didn’t change what he had done to them. But they were heard. They got their chance to stop being the victim.

“That’s what I want. I’m tired of being the victim. If I’m going to be able to look at my scars and not relive every last one of them, then I need to do this. I’m so tired of everyone looking at me like I’m damaged.” She looked up at me, searching my face to see if I understood, but I didn’t think she was done. “I’m tired of seeing myself as being damaged. Never fully whole because there are pieces of me missing. Pieces that I let someone else take from me.

“I need to face them, to face my nightmares. It’s time I took them back. It’s time I…maybe not stopped feeling scared…that’s impossible, but faced those fears, so that they can’t haunt me when I look in the mirror. So that when I see myself, I don’t see the damage anymore.” I didn’t know what to say. To be honest I didn’t even realize that her scars bothered her, though I should have.

“When you told me about the school, I didn’t want to believe you. Not because you were female, but because I didn’t want to believe that I had been conned like that. When you brought all of those girls down to face Tom, I was mortified. He