Cobwebs from an Empty Skull - Ambrose Bierce (best e book reader for android TXT) 📗
- Author: Ambrose Bierce
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our subject--the sole aim of mankind. Crack me these nuts. (1) The man, never weary of well-doing, who endures a life of privation for the good of his fellow-creatures?
PHILOSOPHER.--Does he feel remorse in so doing? or does the rascal rather like it?
F.--(2) He, then, who, famishing himself, parts his loaf with a beggar?
PH.--There are people who prefer benevolence to bread.
F.--Ah! _De gustibus_--
PH.--Shut up!
F.--Well, (3) how of him who goes joyfully to martyrdom?
PH.--He goes joyfully.
F.--And yet--
PH.--Did you ever converse with a good man going to the stake?
F.--I never saw a good man going to the stake.
PH.--Unhappy pupil! you were born some centuries too early.
* * * * *
FOOL.--You say you detest foreigners. Why?
PHILOSOPHER.--Because I am human.
F.--But so are they.
PH.--Excellent fool! I thank thee for the better reason.
* * * * *
PHILOSOPHER.--I have been thinking of the _pocopo_.
FOOL.--Is it open to the public?
PH.--The pocopo is a small animal of North America, chiefly remarkable for singularity of diet. It subsists solely upon a single article of food.
F.--What is that?
PH.--Other pocopos. Unable to obtain this, their natural sustenance, a great number of pocopos die annually of starvation. Their death leaves fewer mouths to feed, and by consequence their race is rapidly multiplying.
F.--From whom had you this?
PH.--A professor of political economy.
F.--I bend in reverence! What made you think of the pocopo?
PH.--Speaking of man.
F.--If you did not wish to think of the pocopo, and speaking of man would make you think of it, you would not speak of man, would you?
PH.--Certainly not.
F.--Why not?
PH.--I do not know.
F.--Excellent philosopher!
* * * * *
FOOL.--I have attentively considered your teachings. They may be full of wisdom; they are certainly out of taste.
PHILOSOPHER.--Whose taste?
F.--Why, that of people of culture.
PH.--Do any of these people chance to have a taste for intoxication, tobacco, hard hats, false hair, the nude ballet, and over-feeding?
F.--Possibly; but in intellectual matters you must confess their taste is correct.
PH.--Why must I?
F.--They say so themselves.
* * * * *
PHILOSOPHER.--I have been thinking why a dolt is called a donkey.
FOOL.--I had thought philosophy concerned itself with a less personal class of questions; but why is it?
PH.--The essential quality of a dolt is stupidity.
F.--Mine ears are drunken!
PH.--The essential quality of an ass is asininity.
F.--Divine philosophy!
PH.--As commonly employed, "stupidity" and "asininity" are convertible terms.
F.--That I, unworthy, should have lived to see this day!
* * * * *
II.
FOOL.--If _I_ were a doctor--
DOCTOR.--I should endeavour to be a fool.
F.--You would fail; folly is not easily achieved.
D.--True; man is overworked.
F.--Let him take a pill.
D.--If he like. I would not.
F.--You are too frank: take a fool's advice.
D.--Thank thee for the nastier prescription.
* * * * *
FOOL.--I have a friend who--
DOCTOR.--Stands in great need of my assistance. Absence of excitement, gentle restraint, a hard bed, simple diet--that will straighten him out.
F.--I'll give thee sixpence to let me touch the hem of thy garment!
D.--What of your friend?
F.--He is a gentleman.
D.--Then he is dead!
F.--Just so: he is "straightened out"--he took your prescription.
D.--All but the "simple diet."
F.--He is himself the diet.
D.--How simple!
* * * * *
FOOL.--Believe you a man retains his intellect after decapitation?
DOCTOR.--It is possible that he acquires it?
F.--Much good it does him.
D.--Why not--as compensation? He is at some disadvantage in other respects.
F.--For example?
D.--He is in a false position.
* * * * *
FOOL.--What is the most satisfactory disease?
DOCTOR.--Paralysis of the thoracic duct.
F.--I am not familiar with it.
D.--It does not encourage familiarity. Paralysis of the thoracic duct enables the patient to accept as many invitations to dinner as he can secure, without danger of spoiling his appetite.
F.--But how long does his appetite last?
D.--That depends. Always a trifle longer than he does.
F.--The portion that survives him--?
D.--Goes to swell the Mighty Gastric Passion which lurks darkly Outside, yawning to swallow up material creation!
F.--Pitch it a biscuit.
* * * * *
FOOL.--You attend a patient. He gets well. Good! How do you tell whether his recovery is because of your treatment or in spite of it?
DOCTOR.--I never do tell.
F.--I mean how do you know?
D.--I take the opinion of a person interested in the question: I ask a fool.
F.--How does the patient know?
D.--The fool asks me.
F.--Amiable instructor! How shall I reward thee?
D.--Eat a cucumber cut up in shilling claret.
* * * * *
DOCTOR.--The relation between a patient and his disease is the same as that which obtains between the two wooden weather-prophets of a Dutch clock. When the disease goes off, the patient goes on; when the disease goes on, the patient goes off.
FOOL.--A pauper conceit. Their relations, then, are not of the most cordial character.
D.--One's relations--except the poorer sort--seldom are.
F.--My tympanum is smitten with pleasant peltings of wisdom! I 'll lay you ten to one you cannot tell me the present condition of your last patient.
D.--Done!
F.--You have won the wager.
FOOL.--I once read the report of an actual conversation upon a scientific subject between a fool and a physician.
DOCTOR.--Indeed! That sort of conversation commonly takes place between fools only.
F.--The reporter had chosen to confound orthography: he spelt fool "phool," and physician "fysician." What the fool said was, therefore, preceded by "PH;" the remarks of the physician were indicated by the letter "F."
D.--This must have been very confusing.
F.--It was. But no one discovered that any liberties had been taken with orthography.
D.--You tumour!
* * * * *
FOOL.--Suppose you had amongst your menials an ailing oyster?
DOCTOR.--Oysters do not ail.
F.--I have heard that the pearl is the result of a disease.
D.--Whether a functional derangement producing a valuable gem can be properly termed, or treated as, a disease, is open to honest doubt.
F.--Then in the case supposed you would not favour excision of the abnormal part?
D.--Yes; I would remove the oyster.
F.--But if the pearl were growing very rapidly this operation would not be immediately advisable.
D.--That would depend upon the symptomatic diagnosis.
F.--Beast! Give me air!
* * * * *
DOCTOR.--I have been thinking--
FOOL.--(Liar!)
D.--That you "come out" rather well for a fool.
Can it be that I have been entertaining an angel unawares?
F.--Dismiss the apprehension: I am as great a fool as yourself. But there is a way by which in future you may resolve a similar doubt.
D.--Explain.
F.--Speak to your guest of symptomatic diagnosis. If he is an angel, he will not resent it.
* * * * *
III.
SOLDIER (_reading from "Napier"_).--"Who would not rather be buried by an army upon the field of battle than by a sexton in a church-yard!"
FOOL.--I give it up.
S.--I am not aware that any one has asked you for an opinion.
F.--I am not aware that I have given one: there is a happiness yet in store for you.
S.--I will revel in anticipation.
F.--You must revel somehow; without revelry there would be no soldiering.
S.--Idiot.
F.--I beg your pardon: I had thought your profession had at least taught you to call people by their proper titles. In the service of mankind I hold the rank of Fool.
S.--What, ho! without there! Let the trumpets sound!
F.--I beg you will not.
S.--True; you beg: I will not.
F.--But why rob when stealing is more honourable?
S.--Consider the competition.
* * * * *
FOOL.--Sir Cut-throat, how many orphans have you made to-day?
SOLDIER.--The devil an orphan! Have you a family?
F.--Put up your iron; I am the last of my race.
S.--How? No more fools?
F.--Not one, so help me! They have all gone to the wars.
S.--And why, pray, have _you_ not enlisted?
F.--I should be no fool if I knew.
* * * * *
FOOL.--You are somewhat indebted to me.
SOLDIER.--I do not acknowledge your claim. Let us submit the matter to arbitration.
F.--The only arbiter whose decision you respect is on your own side.
PHILOSOPHER.--Does he feel remorse in so doing? or does the rascal rather like it?
F.--(2) He, then, who, famishing himself, parts his loaf with a beggar?
PH.--There are people who prefer benevolence to bread.
F.--Ah! _De gustibus_--
PH.--Shut up!
F.--Well, (3) how of him who goes joyfully to martyrdom?
PH.--He goes joyfully.
F.--And yet--
PH.--Did you ever converse with a good man going to the stake?
F.--I never saw a good man going to the stake.
PH.--Unhappy pupil! you were born some centuries too early.
* * * * *
FOOL.--You say you detest foreigners. Why?
PHILOSOPHER.--Because I am human.
F.--But so are they.
PH.--Excellent fool! I thank thee for the better reason.
* * * * *
PHILOSOPHER.--I have been thinking of the _pocopo_.
FOOL.--Is it open to the public?
PH.--The pocopo is a small animal of North America, chiefly remarkable for singularity of diet. It subsists solely upon a single article of food.
F.--What is that?
PH.--Other pocopos. Unable to obtain this, their natural sustenance, a great number of pocopos die annually of starvation. Their death leaves fewer mouths to feed, and by consequence their race is rapidly multiplying.
F.--From whom had you this?
PH.--A professor of political economy.
F.--I bend in reverence! What made you think of the pocopo?
PH.--Speaking of man.
F.--If you did not wish to think of the pocopo, and speaking of man would make you think of it, you would not speak of man, would you?
PH.--Certainly not.
F.--Why not?
PH.--I do not know.
F.--Excellent philosopher!
* * * * *
FOOL.--I have attentively considered your teachings. They may be full of wisdom; they are certainly out of taste.
PHILOSOPHER.--Whose taste?
F.--Why, that of people of culture.
PH.--Do any of these people chance to have a taste for intoxication, tobacco, hard hats, false hair, the nude ballet, and over-feeding?
F.--Possibly; but in intellectual matters you must confess their taste is correct.
PH.--Why must I?
F.--They say so themselves.
* * * * *
PHILOSOPHER.--I have been thinking why a dolt is called a donkey.
FOOL.--I had thought philosophy concerned itself with a less personal class of questions; but why is it?
PH.--The essential quality of a dolt is stupidity.
F.--Mine ears are drunken!
PH.--The essential quality of an ass is asininity.
F.--Divine philosophy!
PH.--As commonly employed, "stupidity" and "asininity" are convertible terms.
F.--That I, unworthy, should have lived to see this day!
* * * * *
II.
FOOL.--If _I_ were a doctor--
DOCTOR.--I should endeavour to be a fool.
F.--You would fail; folly is not easily achieved.
D.--True; man is overworked.
F.--Let him take a pill.
D.--If he like. I would not.
F.--You are too frank: take a fool's advice.
D.--Thank thee for the nastier prescription.
* * * * *
FOOL.--I have a friend who--
DOCTOR.--Stands in great need of my assistance. Absence of excitement, gentle restraint, a hard bed, simple diet--that will straighten him out.
F.--I'll give thee sixpence to let me touch the hem of thy garment!
D.--What of your friend?
F.--He is a gentleman.
D.--Then he is dead!
F.--Just so: he is "straightened out"--he took your prescription.
D.--All but the "simple diet."
F.--He is himself the diet.
D.--How simple!
* * * * *
FOOL.--Believe you a man retains his intellect after decapitation?
DOCTOR.--It is possible that he acquires it?
F.--Much good it does him.
D.--Why not--as compensation? He is at some disadvantage in other respects.
F.--For example?
D.--He is in a false position.
* * * * *
FOOL.--What is the most satisfactory disease?
DOCTOR.--Paralysis of the thoracic duct.
F.--I am not familiar with it.
D.--It does not encourage familiarity. Paralysis of the thoracic duct enables the patient to accept as many invitations to dinner as he can secure, without danger of spoiling his appetite.
F.--But how long does his appetite last?
D.--That depends. Always a trifle longer than he does.
F.--The portion that survives him--?
D.--Goes to swell the Mighty Gastric Passion which lurks darkly Outside, yawning to swallow up material creation!
F.--Pitch it a biscuit.
* * * * *
FOOL.--You attend a patient. He gets well. Good! How do you tell whether his recovery is because of your treatment or in spite of it?
DOCTOR.--I never do tell.
F.--I mean how do you know?
D.--I take the opinion of a person interested in the question: I ask a fool.
F.--How does the patient know?
D.--The fool asks me.
F.--Amiable instructor! How shall I reward thee?
D.--Eat a cucumber cut up in shilling claret.
* * * * *
DOCTOR.--The relation between a patient and his disease is the same as that which obtains between the two wooden weather-prophets of a Dutch clock. When the disease goes off, the patient goes on; when the disease goes on, the patient goes off.
FOOL.--A pauper conceit. Their relations, then, are not of the most cordial character.
D.--One's relations--except the poorer sort--seldom are.
F.--My tympanum is smitten with pleasant peltings of wisdom! I 'll lay you ten to one you cannot tell me the present condition of your last patient.
D.--Done!
F.--You have won the wager.
FOOL.--I once read the report of an actual conversation upon a scientific subject between a fool and a physician.
DOCTOR.--Indeed! That sort of conversation commonly takes place between fools only.
F.--The reporter had chosen to confound orthography: he spelt fool "phool," and physician "fysician." What the fool said was, therefore, preceded by "PH;" the remarks of the physician were indicated by the letter "F."
D.--This must have been very confusing.
F.--It was. But no one discovered that any liberties had been taken with orthography.
D.--You tumour!
* * * * *
FOOL.--Suppose you had amongst your menials an ailing oyster?
DOCTOR.--Oysters do not ail.
F.--I have heard that the pearl is the result of a disease.
D.--Whether a functional derangement producing a valuable gem can be properly termed, or treated as, a disease, is open to honest doubt.
F.--Then in the case supposed you would not favour excision of the abnormal part?
D.--Yes; I would remove the oyster.
F.--But if the pearl were growing very rapidly this operation would not be immediately advisable.
D.--That would depend upon the symptomatic diagnosis.
F.--Beast! Give me air!
* * * * *
DOCTOR.--I have been thinking--
FOOL.--(Liar!)
D.--That you "come out" rather well for a fool.
Can it be that I have been entertaining an angel unawares?
F.--Dismiss the apprehension: I am as great a fool as yourself. But there is a way by which in future you may resolve a similar doubt.
D.--Explain.
F.--Speak to your guest of symptomatic diagnosis. If he is an angel, he will not resent it.
* * * * *
III.
SOLDIER (_reading from "Napier"_).--"Who would not rather be buried by an army upon the field of battle than by a sexton in a church-yard!"
FOOL.--I give it up.
S.--I am not aware that any one has asked you for an opinion.
F.--I am not aware that I have given one: there is a happiness yet in store for you.
S.--I will revel in anticipation.
F.--You must revel somehow; without revelry there would be no soldiering.
S.--Idiot.
F.--I beg your pardon: I had thought your profession had at least taught you to call people by their proper titles. In the service of mankind I hold the rank of Fool.
S.--What, ho! without there! Let the trumpets sound!
F.--I beg you will not.
S.--True; you beg: I will not.
F.--But why rob when stealing is more honourable?
S.--Consider the competition.
* * * * *
FOOL.--Sir Cut-throat, how many orphans have you made to-day?
SOLDIER.--The devil an orphan! Have you a family?
F.--Put up your iron; I am the last of my race.
S.--How? No more fools?
F.--Not one, so help me! They have all gone to the wars.
S.--And why, pray, have _you_ not enlisted?
F.--I should be no fool if I knew.
* * * * *
FOOL.--You are somewhat indebted to me.
SOLDIER.--I do not acknowledge your claim. Let us submit the matter to arbitration.
F.--The only arbiter whose decision you respect is on your own side.
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