Aboard My Train Of Thought - Scott C. Endsley (best ereader for pdf and epub txt) 📗

room that fateful evening.

The Priest had just finished his eulogy and was about to begin the mass, when all the people gasped in sudden shock as the coffin slowly gaped open and a hand crept out the opening! Father Rice calmly looked down at the casket, fell backward with his eyes rolled up toward his brain, and landed on the piano keyboard with the back of his head, producing a reverberating perfect F#minor.

Those in attendance scattered out into the aisles and collided with one another while heading toward the exit in hysteria, as the professor's body rose up, and as if a snake, shedding its aged skin. Edie, the only one still remaining, besides the professor's son, watched as Giles emerged in younger flesh.

"Blast!" Giles complained, "I must have left the bloody book on the spaceship!"

"Giles, you're alive!!!! Charles! Come to! It's your father. He's alive!"
The professor's son came to long enough to see that it was his dad, and then passed out again.
Edie hurdled over the pews toward Giles, throwing her arms around his neck. "Giles! Is this just a dream? Please tell me it's not! You look at least 40 years younger! You're... You're so good looking!!!"

"Oh, I'll bet you just say that to all the good looking lads! I'm almost 50 years younger. No, it's not a dream. I was abducted by a group of extraterrestrials, and we crashed into a blasted weather balloon in Roswell, where the commander sent me back to this duration of time with a cheap transporter he picked up at Radio Shack! Now, anymore questions before you help me out of this forsaken, oversized, college dorm room?" He smirked, complaning about the cramped coffin.

"Oh Giles, I've missed you so much....But, I... I don't understand how you..."

"Didn't you hear what I just told you? I was abducted by....."

"Never mind, dear, I'm just so glad you're back..... I love you!" she sobbed, as she buried her face on his chest. "Since I thought you left me, my life seemed so barren, Giles. You have no idea what you mean to me."

"I know, I know, lovely lady.... Those were the longest four days without you."
The two escorted his bewildered yet gladdened son back to his car... he had an afternoon meeting to make. As he drove away, Edith impulsively offered her hand to the man she always adored. Giles surprised himself with his vulnerable response in receiving it, then looked deep into her magnetic brown eyes. "Ah, my love, you could erect a skyscraper!"

She laughed nervously and blushed. "Ooh, very fascinating, Professor Endicotsley!"

He awkwardly but daringly placed his arms around her petite frame, then leaned forward and pressed his anxious kisser upon her moist lips. "Why Giles, how did you come to be such a great lover?" she asked in her arousal.

He coolly answered, "it takes a mighty good stroke, dear lady, to light a match." Then doing something that didn't come natural to the man, he got down on his knees without any hesitation. "I'd rather die an old man now, than to spend the next 50 years without you... Marry me, beautiful lass... "
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RINGING THE CELESTIAL DOORBELL

(Episode 1)
A Brief History of the Planet Apathonia (As far back as anyone cares to remember)
Thirty Apathonian years ago archeologists discovered a large refrigerator buried with a note attached to the freezer: "Johnny, I'm keeping the kids, car, house, and food.... I'm leaving you with the mortgage, credit cards, and orthodontist bill!!! Oh, but you can have the luggage, sweetie... YOU'LL NEED IT WHEN YOU MOVE OUT!!!! "

Right below the note was a small calendar with the date O.G.U.8.1. circled. Apathonian archeologists are to this day still in disagreement with one another as to whether this was B.C. or A.D. (Before Coffee, or, After Dinner). Most agree, however, that it was definitely before coffee, considering the writer's rotten disposition.

Albeit the recent archeological evidence presented above is contradictory to the devout Authoritarians, a small outlawed religious faction who believe Apathonia was created in the year O.G.I.8.1.2., when according to them, Anthony, the Divine Author of Life, became bored with himself and created a "Drude", or man. Anthony was pleased with his creation, but didn't know exactly what to do with him. For that reason he gave him a brain and entertained himself with all the tricks he could teach him. He then invented the circus, where he could show off his drude. But there was a problem... he had no one to show him off to. So he reached in his drude's ear, and out from a gob of earwax mixed with his own spit, Anthony created a "Prude", or woman. Day after day his drude would perform tricks for the prude, but she was unimpressed, hence he had to learn new tricks to entertain her.

The drude daily attempted to exceed himself till the prude made a fuss one day, and insinuated with her eyes that his tricks were "old hat.". For two solid weeks the prude showed off a few tricks of her own. Infuriated with her competitive mindset, the drude tried to out-do her by doing a triple flip on the trampoline, thus landing on his head. The prude became overwhelmed with a rare mercy, and came running to his aid. The two then all at once discovered a new trick they could do together, and nine months later, had a daughter.

Within one generation the drude became weary as his prude failed to give him a son, and begged for a new prude. Anthony obliged, and reached into his drude's ear, but couldn't find any wax. "Thou hast cleansed thine own ears, ye shall have to wait untill the morrow when thou hast not taketh a bath, OK?"

The drude patiently waited, and the next day Anthony combined some earwax and saliva and created for him the prude of his dreams. The drude was pleased and uttered his first word, "Martha..."

"John..." she panted.

"Martha..." he nudged passionately.

"John!?..."

This went on for 20 years or so until Anthony had had enough, and created for them a language in which to speak... something he later regretted, for once they discovered their new ability they became ingrossed in their own conversation, and forgot all about the divine author. Those who remained faithful, became less reverent of him, and began to refer to him merely as ...Tony.

About six centuries later, those who still served Tony began living in fear as a tyrant king named Dolittle made it unlawful to live with any other purpose other than to serve him. Those who were caught in the act of doing or thinking anything on behalf their own benefit, were put to death with the atomic-egg-beater; a cruel device made into two incredibly strong arms and mechanical hands that cracked the transgressor's skull in two, over an oversized hot skillet, and scrambled the brains while they were being stirred. They were then feasted on by street beggars. (This was the Apathonian government's way of cutting down on crime and feeding the homeless at the same time.)

In Dolittle's later reigning years, a young drude with a charismatic aura about him began attracting a small following. No one could point out exactly what was so special about this chap, who called himself Orlando, but drudes and prudes alike would come from different towns and villages just to listen to him speak. The authorities didn't seem to pay him any mind until word got to King Dolittle that Orlando was throwing secret bridge parties. So Dolittle sent his secret police, garbed in clothing similar to Orlando's followers, to spy on him. One evening when they were playing for high stakes, Orlando threw down his last card and muttered, "Hey Guys, I guess I win again, hand over the dough!" Dolittle's men immediately arrested him and brought him before the wicked king as his followers dispersed.

"We've been observing you for a long time, how everyone follows you around at these illegal subversive bridge parties... How did you manage to clean out everyone's pockets last night, do you have some kind of supernatural capabilities? I expect the truth, are you the King of Kings?!" Dolittle venomously asked.

Orlando just sighed. "No, I was the King of Clubs."

Dolittle became very indignant. "This man is speaking in riddles! To the atomic-egg-beater with him!"

On the way to his demise Orlando called out to his followers, "Fret not, for I have a sister not yet born from the seed of Tony. She will avenge ye! For as quickly as the evil night passeth away, Dawn shall surely come, and she's ready to kick butt!!!"

His utterence was a mystery to most; however according to the few devout Authoritarians, he was merely explaining his significance as one of the triune personages of the Holy Authoritarian Trinity known as Tony, Orlando, and Dawn. Dawn was soon to come to Apathonia, though no one, not even Orlando himself, knew as to when. But when she would come, the Authoritarians would be safely lifted off the planet as the evil ones would be destroyed. The Authoritarians believed that Dawn was constantly expanding the universe to the limit, and when it was finally stretched so far... she'd let it go like a rubber band, crashing all the planets into one another. This was what had been come to be known as the Big Boing theory.

Authoritarians for centuries had lived in hope of the great promise Orlando gave them and remained a surreptitious group, and only let their convictions be known to one another by tying little yellow ribbons around old oak trees around their meeting places. When a fellow Authoritarian was to come to the door of another believer, he was to knock exactly three times, to give an indication he was one of them.

They were a peaceable people, that is until one of them, a blind street beggar, happened to be walking along the Building of Buildings of the Council of Councils where the Greatest Of Greats dwelled, and was all of a sudden hit right between the eyes by a flying book titled, Aboard My Train Of Thought. "My eyes! Oh, my eyes!" he cried in pain. Then, opening them up, he suddenly received his sight once more, and picked up the book and began reading.

News and rumors, news of rumors, and rumors of news, flooded the planet about this lone vagrant who received his sight and began prophesying: "I have received divine revelation from Tony concerning sister Dawn of which Orlando spake of!!! It says here in his book, Dawn comes with Rosy Fingers!!! Brothers and Sisters, Dawn's avenging is nigh!!" he rejoiced to the mocking crowd, who began throwing stones as he fled.

The Greatest of Greats, Irol, Queen Of The Apathonians, was putting on her morning makeup when she heard all the fuss outside. She quickly ordered her troops to disperse the situation. When she caught word about the initial incident, she ordered all books and reading material banned and burned. A public bonfire was set for the next day and everyone was to bring all their possession of reading materials in order to receive clemency.

Not much was known about the wanted street beggar turned prophet, Kram Oingomeyer---except that he drove a Yugo.
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(Episode 2)
All the while, it was an ordinary Monday morning in Eternity as the Creator of the universe launched into a woeful soliloquy: "None! None are sincere! They're all corrupt, everyone. They have no want or need of a father. All they care about are my promises of everlasting life in paradise. I