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class="calibre1">time, he wished to say something, but he knew not what, to Katharine

alone. She took her aunts upstairs, and returned, coming towards him

once more with an air of innocence and friendliness that amazed him.

 

“My father will be back,” she said. “Won’t you sit down?” and she

laughed, as if now they might share a perfectly friendly laugh at the

tea-party.

 

But Ralph made no attempt to seat himself.

 

“I must congratulate you,” he said. “It was news to me.” He saw her

face change, but only to become graver than before.

 

“My engagement?” she asked. “Yes, I am going to marry William Rodney.”

 

Ralph remained standing with his hand on the back of a chair in

absolute silence. Abysses seemed to plunge into darkness between them.

He looked at her, but her face showed that she was not thinking of

him. No regret or consciousness of wrong disturbed her.

 

“Well, I must go,” he said at length.

 

She seemed about to say something, then changed her mind and said

merely:

 

“You will come again, I hope. We always seem”—she hesitated—“to be

interrupted.”

 

He bowed and left the room.

 

Ralph strode with extreme swiftness along the Embankment. Every muscle

was taut and braced as if to resist some sudden attack from outside.

For the moment it seemed as if the attack were about to be directed

against his body, and his brain thus was on the alert, but without

understanding. Finding himself, after a few minutes, no longer under

observation, and no attack delivered, he slackened his pace, the pain

spread all through him, took possession of every governing seat, and

met with scarcely any resistance from powers exhausted by their first

effort at defence. He took his way languidly along the river

embankment, away from home rather than towards it. The world had him

at its mercy. He made no pattern out of the sights he saw. He felt

himself now, as he had often fancied other people, adrift on the

stream, and far removed from control of it, a man with no grasp upon

circumstances any longer. Old battered men loafing at the doors of

public-houses now seemed to be his fellows, and he felt, as he

supposed them to feel, a mingling of envy and hatred towards those who

passed quickly and certainly to a goal of their own. They, too, saw

things very thin and shadowy, and were wafted about by the lightest

breath of wind. For the substantial world, with its prospect of

avenues leading on and on to the invisible distance, had slipped from

him, since Katharine was engaged. Now all his life was visible, and

the straight, meager path had its ending soon enough. Katharine was

engaged, and she had deceived him, too. He felt for corners of his

being untouched by his disaster; but there was no limit to the flood

of damage; not one of his possessions was safe now. Katharine had

deceived him; she had mixed herself with every thought of his, and

reft of her they seemed false thoughts which he would blush to think

again. His life seemed immeasurably impoverished.

 

He sat himself down, in spite of the chilly fog which obscured the

farther bank and left its lights suspended upon a blank surface, upon

one of the riverside seats, and let the tide of disillusionment sweep

through him. For the time being all bright points in his life were

blotted out; all prominences leveled. At first he made himself believe

that Katharine had treated him badly, and drew comfort from the

thought that, left alone, she would recollect this, and think of him

and tender him, in silence, at any rate, an apology. But this grain of

comfort failed him after a second or two, for, upon reflection, he had

to admit that Katharine owed him nothing. Katharine had promised

nothing, taken nothing; to her his dreams had meant nothing. This,

indeed, was the lowest pitch of his despair. If the best of one’s

feelings means nothing to the person most concerned in those feelings,

what reality is left us? The old romance which had warmed his days for

him, the thoughts of Katharine which had painted every hour, were now

made to appear foolish and enfeebled. He rose, and looked into the

river, whose swift race of dun-colored waters seemed the very spirit

of futility and oblivion.

 

“In what can one trust, then?” he thought, as he leant there. So

feeble and insubstantial did he feel himself that he repeated the word

aloud.

 

“In what can one trust? Not in men and women. Not in one’s dreams

about them. There’s nothing—nothing, nothing left at all.”

 

Now Denham had reason to know that he could bring to birth and keep

alive a fine anger when he chose. Rodney provided a good target for

that emotion. And yet at the moment, Rodney and Katharine herself

seemed disembodied ghosts. He could scarcely remember the look of

them. His mind plunged lower and lower. Their marriage seemed of no

importance to him. All things had turned to ghosts; the whole mass of

the world was insubstantial vapor, surrounding the solitary spark in

his mind, whose burning point he could remember, for it burnt no more.

He had once cherished a belief, and Katharine had embodied this

belief, and she did so no longer. He did not blame her; he blamed

nothing, nobody; he saw the truth. He saw the dun-colored race of

waters and the blank shore. But life is vigorous; the body lives, and

the body, no doubt, dictated the reflection, which now urged him to

movement, that one may cast away the forms of human beings, and yet

retain the passion which seemed inseparable from their existence in

the flesh. Now this passion burnt on his horizon, as the winter sun

makes a greenish pane in the west through thinning clouds. His eyes

were set on something infinitely far and remote; by that light he felt

he could walk, and would, in future, have to find his way. But that

was all there was left to him of a populous and teeming world.

CHAPTER XIII

The lunch hour in the office was only partly spent by Denham in the

consumption of food. Whether fine or wet, he passed most of it pacing

the gravel paths in Lincoln’s Inn Fields. The children got to know his

figure, and the sparrows expected their daily scattering of bread-crumbs. No doubt, since he often gave a copper and almost always a

handful of bread, he was not as blind to his surroundings as he

thought himself.

 

He thought that these winter days were spent in long hours before

white papers radiant in electric light; and in short passages through

fog-dimmed streets. When he came back to his work after lunch he

carried in his head a picture of the Strand, scattered with omnibuses,

and of the purple shapes of leaves pressed flat upon the gravel, as if

his eyes had always been bent upon the ground. His brain worked

incessantly, but his thought was attended with so little joy that he

did not willingly recall it; but drove ahead, now in this direction,

now in that; and came home laden with dark books borrowed from a

library.

 

Mary Datchet, coming from the Strand at lunch-time, saw him one day

taking his turn, closely buttoned in an overcoat, and so lost in

thought that he might have been sitting in his own room.

 

She was overcome by something very like awe by the sight of him; then

she felt much inclined to laugh, although her pulse beat faster. She

passed him, and he never saw her. She came back and touched him on the

shoulder.

 

“Gracious, Mary!” he exclaimed. “How you startled me!”

 

“Yes. You looked as if you were walking in your sleep,” she said. “Are

you arranging some terrible love affair? Have you got to reconcile a

desperate couple?”

 

“I wasn’t thinking about my work,” Ralph replied, rather hastily.

“And, besides, that sort of thing’s not in my line,” he added, rather

grimly.

 

The morning was fine, and they had still some minutes of leisure to

spend. They had not met for two or three weeks, and Mary had much to

say to Ralph; but she was not certain how far he wished for her

company. However, after a turn or two, in which a few facts were

communicated, he suggested sitting down, and she took the seat beside

him. The sparrows came fluttering about them, and Ralph produced from

his pocket the half of a roll saved from his luncheon. He threw a few

crumbs among them.

 

“I’ve never seen sparrows so tame,” Mary observed, by way of saying

something.

 

“No,” said Ralph. “The sparrows in Hyde Park aren’t as tame as this.

If we keep perfectly still, I’ll get one to settle on my arm.”

 

Mary felt that she could have forgone this display of animal good

temper, but seeing that Ralph, for some curious reason, took a pride

in the sparrows, she bet him sixpence that he would not succeed.

 

“Done!” he said; and his eye, which had been gloomy, showed a spark of

light. His conversation was now addressed entirely to a bald cock-sparrow, who seemed bolder than the rest; and Mary took the

opportunity of looking at him. She was not satisfied; his face was

worn, and his expression stern. A child came bowling its hoop through

the concourse of birds, and Ralph threw his last crumbs of bread into

the bushes with a snort of impatience.

 

“That’s what always happens—just as I’ve almost got him,” he said.

“Here’s your sixpence, Mary. But you’ve only got it thanks to that

brute of a boy. They oughtn’t to be allowed to bowl hoops here—”

 

“Oughtn’t to be allowed to bowl hoops! My dear Ralph, what nonsense!”

 

“You always say that,” he complained; “and it isn’t nonsense. What’s

the point of having a garden if one can’t watch birds in it? The

street does all right for hoops. And if children can’t be trusted in

the streets, their mothers should keep them at home.”

 

Mary made no answer to this remark, but frowned.

 

She leant back on the seat and looked about her at the great houses

breaking the soft gray-blue sky with their chimneys.

 

“Ah, well,” she said, “London’s a fine place to live in. I believe I

could sit and watch people all day long. I like my fellow-creatures… .”

 

Ralph sighed impatiently.

 

“Yes, I think so, when you come to know them,” she added, as if his

disagreement had been spoken.

 

“That’s just when I don’t like them,” he replied. “Still, I don’t see

why you shouldn’t cherish that illusion, if it pleases you.” He spoke

without much vehemence of agreement or disagreement. He seemed

chilled.

 

“Wake up, Ralph! You’re half asleep!” Mary cried, turning and pinching

his sleeve. “What have you been doing with yourself? Moping? Working?

Despising the world, as usual?”

 

As he merely shook his head, and filled his pipe, she went on:

 

“It’s a bit of a pose, isn’t it?”

 

“Not more than most things,” he said.

 

“Well,” Mary remarked, “I’ve a great deal to say to you, but I must go

on—we have a committee.” She rose, but hesitated, looking down upon

him rather gravely. “You don’t look happy, Ralph,” she said. “Is it

anything, or is it nothing?”

 

He did not immediately answer her, but rose, too, and walked with her

towards the gate. As usual, he did not speak to her without

considering whether what he was about to say was the sort of thing

that he could say to her.

 

“I’ve

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