Ruth - Elizabeth Gaskell (romantic books to read txt) 📗
- Author: Elizabeth Gaskell
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She was roused from this holy abstraction by the sound of Miss Benson’s voice. It was very much as if she had been crying.
“Look, Ruth!” it said softly, “my brother sends you these. They are the first snowdrops in the garden.” And she put them on the pillow by Ruth; the baby lay on the opposite side.
“Won’t you look at him?” said Ruth; “he is so pretty!”
Miss Benson had a strange reluctance to see him. To Ruth, in spite of all that had come and gone, she was reconciled—nay, more, she was deeply attached; but over the baby there hung a cloud of shame and disgrace. Poor little creature! her heart was closed against it—firmly, as she thought. But she could not resist Ruth’s low faint voice, nor her pleading eyes, and she went round to peep at him as he lay on his mother’s arm, as yet his shield and guard.
“Sally says he will have black hair, she thinks,” said Ruth. “His little hand is quite a man’s, already. Just feel how firmly he closes it;” and with her own weak fingers she opened his little red fist, and taking Miss Benson’s reluctant hand, placed one of her fingers in his grasp. That baby-touch called out her love; the doors of her heart were thrown open wide for the little infant to go in and take possession.
“Ah, my darling!” said Ruth, failing back weak and weary. “If God will but spare you to me, never mother did more than I will. I have done you a grievous wrong—but, if I may but live, I will spend my life in serving you!”
“And in serving God!” said Miss Benson, with tears in her eyes. “You must not make him into an idol, or God will, perhaps, punish you through him.”
A pang of affright shot through Ruth’s heart at these words; had she already sinned and made her child into an idol, and was there punishment already in store for her through him? But then the internal voice whispered that God was “Our Father,” and that He knew our frame, and knew how natural was the first outburst of a mother’s love; so, although she treasured up the warning, she ceased to affright herself for what had already gushed forth.
“Now go to sleep, Ruth,” said Miss Benson, kissing her, and darkening the room. But Ruth could not sleep; if her heavy eyes closed, she opened them again with a start, for sleep seemed to be an enemy stealing from her the consciousness of being a mother. That one thought excluded all remembrance and all anticipation, in those first hours of delight.
But soon remembrance and anticipation came. There was the natural want of the person, who alone could take an interest similar in kind, though not in amount, to the mother’s. And sadness grew like a giant in the still watches of the night, when she remembered that there would be no father to guide and strengthen the child, and place him in a favourable position for fighting the hard “Battle of Life.” She hoped and believed that no one would know the sin of his parents; and that that struggle might be spared to him. But a father’s powerful care and mighty guidance would never be his; and then, in those hours of spiritual purification, came the wonder and the doubt of how far the real father would be the one to whom, with her desire of heaven for her child, whatever might become of herself, she would wish to intrust him. Slight speeches, telling of a selfish, worldly nature, unnoticed at the time, came back upon her ear, having a new significance. They told of a low standard, of impatient self-indulgence, of no acknowledgment of things spiritual and heavenly. Even while this examination was forced upon her, by the new spirit of maternity that had entered into her and made her child’s welfare supreme, she hated and reproached herself for the necessity there seemed upon her of examining and judging the absent father of her child. And so the compelling presence that had taken possession of her wearied her into a kind of feverish slumber; in which she dreamt that the innocent babe that lay by her side in soft ruddy slumber, had started up into man’s growth, and, instead of the pure and noble being whom she had prayed to present as her child to “Our Father in heaven,” he was a repetition of his father; and, like him, lured some maiden (who in her dream seemed strangely like herself, only more utterly sad and desolate even than she) into sin, and left her there to even a worse fate than that of suicide. For Ruth believed there was a worse. She dreamt she saw the girl, wandering, lost; and that she saw her son in high places, prosperous—but with more than blood on his soul. She saw her son dragged down by the clinging girl into some pit of horrors into which she dared not look, but from whence his father’s voice was heard, crying aloud, that in his day and generation he had not remembered the words of God, and that now he was “tormented in this flame.” Then she started in sick terror, and saw, by the dim rushlight, Sally, nodding in an armchair by the fire; and felt her little soft warm babe, nestled up against her breast, rocked by her heart, which yet beat hard from the effects of the evil dream. She dared not go to sleep again, but prayed. And, every time she prayed, she asked with a more complete wisdom, and a more utter and self-forgetting faith. Little child! thy angel was with God, and drew her nearer and nearer to Him, whose face is continually beheld by the angels of little children.
SALLY TELLS OF HER SWEETHEARTS, AND DISCOURSES ON THE DUTIES OF LIFE
Sally and Miss Benson took it in turns to sit up, or rather, they took it in turns to nod by the fire; for if Ruth was awake she lay very still in the moonlight calm of her sick bed. That time resembled a beautiful August evening, such as I have seen. The white, snowy rolling mist covers up under its great sheet all trees and meadows, and tokens of earth; but it cannot rise high enough to shut out the heavens, which on such nights seem bending very near, and to be the only real and present objects; and so near, so real and present, did heaven, and eternity, and God seem to Ruth, as she lay encircling her mysterious holy child.
One night Sally found out she was not asleep.
“I’m a rare hand at talking folks to sleep,” said she. “I’ll try on thee, for thou must get strength by sleeping and eating. What must I talk to thee about, I wonder. Shall I tell thee a love story or a fairy story, such as I’ve telled Master Thurstan many a time and many a time, for all his father set his face again fairies, and called it vain talking; or shall I tell you the dinner I once cooked, when Mr. Harding, as was Miss Faith’s sweetheart, came unlooked for, and we’d nought in the house but a neck of mutton, out of which I made seven dishes, all with a different name?”
“Who was Mr. Harding?” asked Ruth.
“Oh, he was a grand gentleman from Lunnon, as had seen Miss Faith, and been struck by her pretty looks when she was out on a visit, and came here to ask her to marry him. She said, ‘No, she would never leave Master Thurstan, as could never marry;’ but she pined a deal at after he went away. She kept up afore Master Thurstan, but I seed her fretting, though I never let on that I did, for I thought she’d soonest get over it and be thankful at after she’d the strength to do right. However, I’ve no business to be talking of Miss Benson’s concerns. I’ll tell you of my own sweethearts and welcome, or I’ll tell you of the dinner, which was the grandest thing I ever did in my life, but I thought a Lunnoner should never think country folks knew nothing; and, my word, I puzzled him with his dinner. I’m doubting whether to this day he knows whether what he was eating was fish, flesh, or fowl. Shall I tell you how I managed?”
But Ruth said she would rather hear about Sally’s sweethearts; much to the disappointment of the latter, who considered the dinner by far the greatest achievement.
“Well, you see, I don’t know as I should call them sweethearts; for excepting John Rawson, who was shut up in a mad-house the next week, I never had what you may call a downright offer of marriage but once. But I had once; and so I may say I had a sweetheart. I was beginning to be afeard though, for one likes to be axed; that’s but civility; and I remember, after I had turned forty, and afore Jeremiah Dixon had spoken, I began to think John Rawson had perhaps not been so very mad, and that I’d done ill to lightly his offer, as a madman’s, if it was to be the only one I was ever to have; I don’t mean as I’d have had him, but I thought, if it was to come o’er again, I’d speak respectful of him to folk, and say it were only his way to go about on all-fours, but that he was a sensible man in most things. However I’d had my laugh, and so had others, at my crazy lover, and it was late now to set him up as a Solomon. However, I thought it would be no bad thing to be tried again; but I little thought the trial would come when it did. You see, Saturday night is a leisure night in counting-houses and such-like places, while it’s the busiest of all for servants. Well! it was a Saturday night, and I’d my baize apron on, and the tails of my bedgown pinned together behind, down on my knees, pipeclaying the kitchen, when a knock comes to the back door. ‘Come in!’ says I; but it knocked again, as if it were too stately to open the door for itself; so I got up rather cross, and opened the door; and there stood Jerry Dixon, Mr. Holt’s head-clerk; only he was not head-clerk then. So I stood, stopping up the door, fancying he wanted to speak to master; but he kind of pushed past me, and telling me summut about the weather (as if I could not see it for myself), he took a chair, and sat down by the oven. ‘Cool and easy!’ thought I; meaning hisself, not his place, which I knew must be pretty hot. Well! it seemed no use standing waiting for my gentleman to go; not that he had much to say either; but he kept twirling his hat round and round, and smoothing the nap on’t with the back of his hand. So at last I squatted down to my work, and thinks I, I shall be on my knees all ready if he puts up a prayer, for I knew he was a Methodee by bringing-up, and had only lately turned to master’s way of thinking; and them Methodees are terrible hands at unexpected prayers when one
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