Aboard My Train Of Thought - Scott C. Endsley (best ereader for pdf and epub txt) 📗

us not hate our neighbors before we even meet them! Maybe the president ascended to his heavenly home with the help of these aliens, just like our Lord did two thousand years ago..."

Radio talk show host Flush Limbo suggested the Apathonians were nothing more than a bunch of deceased Democrats, reincarnated to a planet of their own. The heavenly liberals forgot what common sense was, and went to Earth to kidnap what they thought was a conservative, so they could observe me and be once more reminded what effective government was like.

Mystics and psychics joined in on the bandwagon as several claimed to be in communication with my kidnappers, telepathically. One of them claimed the Apathonians were beings who lived in a city inside the Sun. Every eleven years the Sun produces sunspots, which are holes that are cooler than the rest of the surface, where the Apathonians were able to go and come as they please so long as there were sunspots available to exit from. They happened to be vacationing on Earth recently, "and had befriended the President who wanted to journey back with them to the city inside the Sun. There is no need to worry about his safety..." one suggested, "he is to return shortly with a lovely tan."
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(Episode 13)
"Ten seconds, Barry!!!"

"Yeah, yeah," Mr. King sighed. "I wish you guys would pick an interesting subject for a change... Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! We've got a great show tonight. With us is the man who not only claims to have been abducted by the Apathonians, but was taken back to their planet! Professor Giles Endicotsley, it's a pleasure having you on the show tonight! Well, were they friendly?!!!" King excitedly asked.

"Good evening, Mr. King, sir. Well, let us just say...."

"You're the ex-President's third cousin, is that right?" Barry butted in.

"Well, yes," Giles began, "I had the good fortune to...."

"Uh huh, so, you're coming out with a book! When's it due out?"

"In May," Giles managed to successfully answer without being interrupted.

"Pardon?"

"In May.... I was just answering your....."

"Oh, congratulations on your recent wedding!!! How was the honeymoon? Know what I mean? huh? Huh? I bet she really appreciated the rejuvenated hardware!" Barry nudged and winked.

"I beg your bloody pardon!" Giles scorned and started to stand up but managed to hold his temper.

"Oh, we just got an e-mail from John in Kalamazoo. John says: 'I was abducted by a group of aliens last week... they tied me up then crossed back into the border and threw me out, while they ran off with my car... Darned Canadians!' Now that's a real good point," Barry announced, "what about those darned Canadians, Professor Endicotsley!?"

"What?!"

"Yeah yeah yeah, OK, let's take a phone call... Hello to Mot in Weinstamer, Apathanonia. You're on the air!"

"Uh, yes, hello!" the prankster spoke in a poor false accent.

"YES, GO AHEAD!!!" Barry yelled.

"Uh, yes, on behalf of the Apathonian people, I'd like to say your president is fine, and there is nothing to worry about as far as his safety is concerned. All we want is sixteen million dollars in cash, and we will return him." The supposed alien demanded, as insomniacs all over America excitedly turned up their television sets.
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"Well, there you go, thanks for calling! What do you have to say about that, Mr. Endicotsley?" Barry smiled and asked stupidly while he disconnected the caller.

"HELLO! IS THE PARTY STILL THERE!!!!???" The professor yelled into the dead line, causing a startled Mr. King to knock over his glass of rich chocolate Ovaltine.

"Hey, easy Giles!" he complained, " I've got my aids turned up! You scared the living......"

"What's the matter with you?!" Giles shouted while slapping Barry on the head, "that was the president's captors!!!!"

"See there, ladies and gentlemen, not five minutes into my show and the mystery is solved....What a show! Damn, I'm good!" Barry gleamed. "We'll be back with Professor Endicotsley and your calls after this. Don't go away!"
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(Episode 14)
The Apathonian dusk was quickening by the minute as I and my Authoritarian following marched up to the Building of Buildings, readied with boldness. "Come out, your so-called greatness! We've come armed with our ambitions and demand your abdication of the throne!!!" I yelled up toward the courtyard balcony where Her Majesty was enjoying a majestic sunset.

Irol gazed down at us fully aware as to what our intent was, but, in her deceiving charm, called out, "Oh, how wonderful! Visitors! Oh, do please come in, boys and girls!" The Authoritarians all looked at each other and shrugged, then started heading towards the opening drawbridge.

"Hold it! It's a trick!" I warned.

"Oh, no, dear earthling, I've been hoping you'd show up! Come on up, hun. It's ok," she insisted. We made our way up the steps and down the hall until we approached the pretentious looking stained glass window door that opened as her majesty stood in the archway, offering a batch of fresh baked cookies on a silver platter. "And I suppose you're the Divine Author, how quaint! You can call me Irol, sweetheart." Her Greatness said while she extended her hand to me.

"We have a complaint with you, your Majesty," I spoke up. "These oppressed Authoritarians here say that you have been crushing their freedoms with the tyranny of your throne. That they are not to practice their beliefs. That they should have no say in the everyday affairs of their own lives."

"Oh, stop! Surely not little ol' me? Why, I have a deep love for my subjects. Tell you what, you tell me what you want, and I'll see that they get it, ok, hun?"

"OK, for starters they would like to enjoy more autonomy. You have no right refusing the masses to unite collectively while your imperial government oppresses the workers as slaves and refusing to share the wealth attained by the sweat off their backs!!!" (For some reason, what little I learned in Karl Marx 101 forced upon me as a prerequisite in college, spontaneously erupted from my mouth.)

"Well," she hesitated. "That's a bit much, sugarpie, but maybe we could work out a deal... I'll tell you what, you tell your followers to try and understand why we have such inconvenient laws, and I'LL LET THEM KEEP THEIR HEADS!!! Ok, hun?"

"Well," I sighed, "I guess this means war!!!!..... Ready, guys?" I asked, as everyone then boldly presented their secret ambitions on poster paper. The Greatest of Greats immediately felt faint and ordered them to leave, but they refused to go.

"All right! Please! (cough, cough) Maybe we can make a treaty! Please, for heaven sake, lay down your ambitions, I can't stand it!!!!" Her Greatness all but collapsed, and then rose slowly with an evil grin, laughing hideously, and then vomited a hugh fire ball, consuming at least ten Authoritarians and exterminating them. "So you think your ambitions scare me, heh? Out of here, before I kill all of you!!!" She hissed as we all fled.

Once back in the cave, the Authoritarians tried to remain optimistic, though defeat was obviously shrouding them as a dark cloud overhead. "It's no use, we'll never regain our freedom from the evil ones," some of them were moaning.

"Oh, ye generation of little faith, we must press on further and find the right weapon to bring defeat upon them. Are your backbones nothing more than a wishbone? So, ok, our ambitions were not enough...."

Kram spoke up, "Yes, but now we must set goals with our ambitions, and if that's not enough, perhaps once setting goals for ourselves, we should begin pursuing them!!!" Some of the less committed Authoritarians fled, for this was a hard saying.

"Excellent, Kram! She surely won't be able to withstand such faith. Everyone! Begin setting goals, tomorrow we attack!!!"
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(Episode 15)
The night was long as I tossed and turned in my sleep. The wind harmonized with the distant howling of a dongwazzle. Tomorrow would be great timing for the assault on the Council Of Councils, I figured, since the barkbiters, or flying trees, were cluttering the sky as they were migrating toward more shallow ground, and would block the morning's light so as to hide us better. In anxiousness, I could sleep no more and decided to launch an early offensive. I charged Kram to head the troops as we marched into Tralalaboomdia, Apathonia's capitol city. The overall feeling of confidence led us straight up the main road leading to the Building of Buildings.

"We have a bone to pick with you, your so-called Greatness," I once again announced up toward the courtyard balcony.

Queen Irol approached her window, trying to focus her eyes as she had just awoke. "Oh dear!" she acknowledged, "It's a bit early, sweetie, can't we meet after the Genodrahn sun comes up?"

"Nothing doing! We want our demands met here and now!" Kram yelled.

"Oh, you and your silly ambitions don't amount to doodlee squat, I'm afraid. Go home and just be good law-abiding citizens, ok?" she sneered.

I dauntlessly informed her, "Oh, we don't just have ambitions anymore! We've come prepared with goals, and we've made preparations in carrying them out!"

"We can surely work out something sensible before you all go to such extremes!!!" she gasped.

"I'm afraid the time for negotiations is a bit too late unless you're prepared to make some drastic changes, such as the abdication of your throne," Kram threatened.

"I'm sorry, as much as I'd like to help you," Irol apologized while feeling faint and dizzy, "I... I... I just can't do it..." On that occasion, after nearly passing out from being overwhelmed by our boldness, she forced two fingers into her mouth and gave a shrill whistle. Immediately several barkbiters hovering overhead pounced onto the crowd and began sucking the brains out of a few unfortunates. As for Kram and myself, we were knocked unconscious and apprehended. Once regaining our senses, we both discovered we were chained up side by side, upside down, hanging by our feet in Queen Irol's courtyard for every passerby to take notice.

"Be not afraid, little ones," I reassured the concerned, "Dawn will come even if I should not live to see her arrive, and she shall avenge us!"

Kram and myself were later brought before the Council Of Councils, and made to sit and wait upon our fate. In front of us, strangely, was some freshly made tea and crumpets. Her Greatness had just come out of the ladies' room from freshening up in preparation for our sentencing.

"Well, I'm really so sorry to do this, boys, but you leave me no choice. You know, you both could have been such great subjects in the hierarchy of my administration, and because of the kind of girl I am, I am offering you both clemency if you'll just serve me......... Otherwise, I'm afraid it's off to the atomic-egg-beater."

There was a long, thoughtful silence until Kram reached for her right hand and kissed it with admiration... and the desire to remain among the living. "Your Majesty," he cooed as he knelt.

"Kram! What are you doing?!" I scowled with disgust.

"Oh, Kram dear, you're making me blush! And what about you, hun?" she asked me, winking all the while.

I slowly sat up, cleared my throat, smiled, and then spit in her eyes.

"How dare you! Take him to the atomic-egg-beater, right now! And... And force all the Authoritarians to feast on his brains," she demanded to an intern. "I