Murder Anthology - Paul Weightman (best way to read e books .txt) 📗

/> In my dream, both of these ladies were being held in what appeared to be an Edwardian child's playroom, complete with a Mary Poppins type figure, with rhyming couplets written on all the walls. What could it mean?
Yours sincerely Mrs Leia Little.

Too vague for them? Initially, of course, but with follow up letters, and my "dreams" becoming more detailed they must catch on eventually.

Dear Plod
The body found in a freezer at a council dump.
Did it have a used by date on it’s bottom?
Was she frigid?
It’ll be a cold day in hell before you catch me.
Yours Iceman.

How to choose? Eeny Meeny Miney Mo. Catch a..... Of course! That might be fun. A little girlie schwarzer. It fits perfectly with the nursery rhymes but isn't so blindingly obvious that it wouldn't fit nicely if I went with the freezer motif. Chicken George? Thanks, Mildred, I don't mind if I do! It'll throw any profiler into absolute confusion.


Dear Chief Inspector;

If you are reading this then you must have outlived me. I can see you now in your comfy slippers, corduroys, cardie and a tie, sitting in your nursing home dribbling. I feel so sorry for you. It must have been simply awful. Reaching retirement with the greatest case of your career unsolved. How old are you now? Seventy? Eighty? Ninety? Has some nice young WPC come to visit you? Did she bring my diary? Can you still see? Or is she having to read it to you? Turn up the hearing aid. "How are you, dear?" "Do you need a bottle?" "Have you been?" Are you hoping at last to discover all of my little secrets? So you can die in peace? Or pain? From the first I thought I might be too clever for you. I don’t think so now! I know now! You never had a chance! After I’d solved the girl/freezer conundrum, I knew exactly what I was. You never had a Bob or a Maurice!

How to get rid of the body? K.I.S.S.
(In case you don’t know. Keep it simple, stupid!)

There I was, on the fourth floor, dead body, nosey neighbours. What to do? And then it hit me. A Nice big freezer! I couldn’t just stick her in and waltz down the stairs could I? I had to have a cover. So, local paper - “Freezers for sale”. There are loads of them. Quick call to a few. “What make? How old? How much?” Usual stuff. None of which really mattered. “What are the dimensions?”. A bit Goldilocks I’ll think you’ll agree, some too big, some too small but, after six or seven calls, hey presto! Just right!
They were about twenty minutes away. “Would you be good enough to hold it for me? It’ll take about an hour to get to you.”
Of course they would. Lovely people. Salt of the earth.
Quick call to B&Q for a tin of araldite, heavy duty gloves, wide brown sticky tape and a new toilet brush; then off to Curry’s, white goods superstore. Great shop Curry’s! And round the back lives Sid and a lad, surrounded by cardboard. Warehousemen, they call themselves. Very friendly; especially if you’ve got a favour to ask and a fiver in your hand. “I wonder if you gentlemen can help? I’m moving house and I don’t want to damage my appliances in the move. Do you have any boxes I could buy?” So helpful! They went to enormous trouble to find me boxes to fit my freezer, washing machine, tumble dryer and dishwasher. Shame I don’t own the last three but the boxes might come in handy some day. They even lent me a sack truck as long as I promised to let them have it back the next day.
Easy peasy! Work gloves on. Pick up freezer. The lovely couple helped me put it in the box and tape it up. Then home. “Oh, look! He’s bought a new freezer.”
Off with the packaging. Tidy up my lady friend. Toilet brush for those difficult to get at places. In the freezer. Bit of glue. Next day. “Oh, look! He’s getting rid of his old freezer.” Well, they might have said that if anyone had seen me on the stairs.
So. Now you know. Local paper and Curry’s! An unlimited supply of ready made coffins whenever required.

Bloody themes! I’m going about this all the wrong way.
Eeny meeny miney mo! So, off to St Pauls in Bristol, ( I was in Bristol on business), and visits to all to the local newsagents, the Pentecostal church notice board, and the soul food restaurants. Anywhere that would let me put my posters up.
“Just moved into area. NHS Chiropodist/Podiatrist. 15 years in London.

Nigel Townsend D.Pod.M.,M.Ch.S. State Registered Chiropodist.
I insist on a free interview/consultation before agreeing to take new clients into my list.
Please telephone XXXXXXXXXX to arrange initial consultation in the privacy of your own home.”
The ‘phone didn’t stop. Chiropody on the NHS? I booked my diary solid for two full days before I turned the'phone off and threw it in the river. Had some lovely business cards printed by the machine in the station. Took along a notepad. Dressed the part and off to meet a little black lamb for the slaughter.
Oh, God! It was awful.
They were all so old. Huge great fat black women looking like the maid from Tom and Jerry or wizened knobbly old crones. And why did they all insist on taking their bloody popsocks off the moment I sat down. After the first three I couldn’t take one more “nice cup o’ tea and a chocolate biscuit!”. They’ll write “persistent” on my tombstone. For two whole days the only highlight was when the door was opened by a pretty young thing who led me into the living room, and went off to make me a cup of tea. But the antimacassars told me everything. It was her Gran, not her, who needed my services.
What a complete waste of time!
So, I’ve decided not to be so literal. Find one who takes my fancy. Take her back to the stables. Hang her up by her toes for a bit. That’ll work........ And so, my glorious work continues!


A market for the dead

The two children ran into the darkness, and huddled together until they heard the hollow sound of a closing door. They were both under the age of five, and obviously brother and sister. After the closing
of the door, they both walked, hand in hand, to their hiding place.
“We can stay here before it’s time to go back out there.” whispered the eldest, who was attempting to comfort her brother.
The little boy wrapped his thin arms around his body, shivering a bit as he responded to his sister.
“I don’t wanna go back.” The girl responded by sitting next to her brother, and wrapping an arm around him.
“Me either, but we gotta.” The siblings huddled together for a while, the older one giving her brother a thin blanket that lay in a heap on the floor.
“I’m cold” Cried the little boy some time later as he shivered. All his sister could do was hold on to him a little tighter as she also tried to keep warm.
“You can have all the covers tonight, cause I’m not that cold.” The girl would not let her brother give her the sole, thin blanket they had, and it was not big enough to share.
“But what if you get cold?”
The brother and sister held each other, the one wrapped in the single blanket that they had. They weren’t allowed to complain, or ask for things. They should be happy, because they were taught that nobody else would take care of two orphaned children.
They quieted when they heard the footsteps, and held their breath when they heard a loud voice, on the other side of the door. The little girl was relieved as everything got quiet again. The little boy remained still, and silent.
“It’s going to be ok.” began the the girl, before looking ahead to a faint far away light. The little boy moved from where his body lay, and stood before tugging his sisters hand, and walking towards the light.
The light grew brighter, and they began to hear a faint noise as they neared it. The air grew warmer, and the darkness turned into light. Neither of the siblings were fearful as they walked into the light, and both were astounded at what they saw.
The boy let the blanket drop from his shoulders, and began leading his sister through a maze of wooden booths. Both children ran, happily past the many plain, and unattractive booths.
The little boy heard the faint sound of laughter from one of the booths, and poked his sister.
“I hear it too.” she said, as it got louder. They walked, looking to the plain booths on either side of them, and heard laughter, but did not see anything. They walked hand in hand for what seemed ages, until they saw a flash of bright color. Then a ball, with a star on it rolled out in front of them. The boy picked it up, and began
playing.
“We’re not supposed to play with that!” The little boy did not listen, and played happily with the ball. The girl then saw a happy child, and a happy mother walking by, smiling at them.
Not a minute later they passed another happy family, this one with children holding balloons, and stuffed animals.
“Your turn is coming soon!” said one of the children, as they happily walked past them.
The children walked for a short while longer, before they saw a booth draped in their favorite colors. Both could not help but to step into it. They were awed by the colorful tent, and candy cane poles outside of it. When they walked into it, they saw a bounty of toys and candy, and what seemed like a tall statue.
“It’s all yours my children.” smiled the statue, scaring the siblings. They held each other, until they saw the smiling face of the woman that spoke those words. “Don’t be afraid. Everything is going to be
beautiful now. There will be no more pain, no more tears.”
The children were calmed by this woman’s voice, and the boy walked up to her, only to be taken up in this woman’s arms, and kissed. The girl ran up to the lady also, and hugged her.
“You’re the lady from the picture.” she stated, looking up at the woman’s face.
“I’m your mother.” smiled the lady, taking the little girl into her second arm. She held the children tightly. ”I’ve missed the both of you.” she said, before letting them go. “I want you two to play, and eat. My babies are entirely too thin.”

The twins played, and ate until their hands were sticky and they were exhausted. They played and played, happily until they both fell asleep from sheer exhaustion.
The first thing the children could see when they awoke was their mothers sad and concerned eyes.
“What’s wrong Mommy?” asked the little girl, as her mother shook her head.
“I’m going to make things better for you.” answered their mother, with a sad smile.
“Can we stay here, forever?” asked the little boy.
“No. That’s not the way it works. This is