Hide Me in Sheol - Matthew Erman (the best motivational books .txt) 📗

said softly.
“Hello.”
“Feeling well?”
“I’m okay. I’ve got an odd sensation in my brain; being able to remember both times I’ve died.”
“It happens often.”
“So what happened?”
“You died again. Now you are here. Do you have any questions?”
“What happens, what do you think, did I do it?”
“In all of the humans that have tried, you came fairly close.”
“Fairly close?”
“For a moment near the end, you finally realized that without Allison in your life, your death couldn’t affect her negatively.”
“Then what happened?”
“You regretted coming to Tokyo.”
“So what’s going on back home? You know, in my original life.”
“In the time that it took you to relive your life, Allison was able to blink twice.
“I don’t think I wanted to know that.”
“It’s sorry.”
As Allison died, she experienced much of the same feeling I did. She actually thought the initial conversation was part of a dream. Which wasn’t far off, as ‘god’ explained to me, the time that passes in this reality is much like a dream. You may dream for only thirty minutes in an eight hour sleep, but that dream may encompass your entire life. Allison’s conversation with god was much shorter than mine.

*

“Hello.” Allison said. She was not old; she looked like she did when she was twenty-four, before her body started the natural deterioration process.
“Hello.”
“Where am I?”
“The afterlife, as you would call it.”
“This is it?”
“No, no this is just the first stage, where you must make a choice.”
“Okay, what is it?”
“You lived a long, healthy life, one that was filled with regret and pain. It only asks that you relive your life, one where you are satisfied at the end, one where you have no regrets. You may choose this, or you may spend an eternity here, alone.”
“I do not know who or what you are. I do not care. This doesn’t feel like a dream, and the last thing I remember is lying down. I suppose you are telling the truth…”
“It is, there is n—“
“I wasn’t finished. Anyway, I don’t know why you would insist on making anyone relive their life. How could you, whatever you are, insist that living life without regrets is a good thing? How can anyone learn, how can anyone grow? You’re a despicable thing, you’re awful, to request someone to go through, all that fucking pain. How dare you. How god damn dare you.”
“It is has heard this many times.”
“I don’t care. I want out. Why are you doing this to me?”
“You are not spec—“
“WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME? WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM AWAY?!”
“It does not understand. It took many people, at many different times. Who were you talking about?”
“Don’t make me do this…” Allison said crying under her breath.
“It makes exceptions, is there one thing you would like to do before you choose?”
“Let me see him. I want to see him, the real him.”

*

As I spoke to god for the second time, I was asked the same question again.
“Would you like to relive your life, or spend an eternity here in an endless void?”
“I would like to relive my life.”
“It knows.”
“Except…” I paused slightly. “I don’t want to remember anything. I don’t want to remember anything at all from my past life.”
“It believes it can do that, but it is required that you come here after every life.”
“Can I remember one thing?”
“You want to remember her. It knows.”
“Yes. That’s all. I guess we can start with the next life.”
“It feels sorry for you. This is not a regular feeling. It wants you to succeed, which is against the rules. It wishes you much luck in your next lives.”
“Thank you.” I closed my eyes, and when I opened them. I was five years old again.

*

Allison stood in the middle of the black void, speaking to this ‘god.’ She had just told it that she wished to see me. I appeared, after having died for approximately the forty billionth, seven hundred fifty six millionth, three hundred thirty two thousandth, two hundred eleventh time. I stood there, looking at her. Her hand was over her mouth, I had tired, sleepy eyes.
“I’ve been waiting for you to die for a very, very long time.” I said. It was a line I’d been practicing in my head since before I can remember. She rushed unintelligible words out of her mouth and embraced me in a hug. “Is it really you? Are you really you?” I said touching her face.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“We went to Tokyo together, we were happy.”
“Yeah. That was me.”
“I’ve got so many things to ask you. I’ve got so much to tell you.”
“I know, I know. I...just wanted to see you.”
“What?”
“I lived a full life after you died. I…said a lot of stuff that I hope you had heard and a lot of stuff I hope you didn’t beautiful things to your gravestone. I just want to tell you, that I missed you, every second. Every single day, and there wasn’t a moment where I doubted my love for you.”
“You’re not staying are you, are you reliving your life?”
“No.”
“What? Why?”
“The pain of losing of you was too hard to go through again.”
“It doesn’t work like that; you probably wouldn’t even meet me.”
“Well, that doesn’t change anything. I’d rather live endlessly alone. Loving and longing for you, forever.”
“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry Allison.”
“I’ll never get past whatever this is, I’ll never not regret. It is natural, it is who we are.” She said this as she held my hand.
“I’m so sorry I left. I wish, I wish so much, I wish I could do so much.” It was in this moment that I realized my regret for every life after the first was not getting to love her.
“It’s okay; I’ve always wanted what was best for you. I want you to forget about me.”
“What why?” I held onto her hand, grasping even harder.
“I want you to live a new life, with a new love. I want you to experience the longing you felt for me, with someone else.”
“I’ll want to fall in love with you over and over again.”
“That’s okay. I just want this to be the end of us, this chapter.”
“What about you? You’re going to that endless void option?”
“Yeah, I’m okay with that.” I stood there, staring at her face. The same exact face that I loved for an unfathomable amount of time stared back at me. Her eyes were still red from weeping not moments ago. I still had my previous death in my mind. After dying so many times, I found it necessary to ask ‘god’ to change it up a bit every now and then. I died in a plane crash the last time.
“I could stand here with you, for eternity and I’d be okay, because you’re here with me.” She smiled as I said this.
“I said that once. I really meant it. But, I think it’s time to go.” I sighed a deep sigh. “I love you so much, so much I can’t even bear it. I’m going to live with this---well, I’ll have this memory for eternity, and I’ll never forget you. I love you.”
“I love you so much.” We shared a passionate kiss, one that emptied our love like a faucet into each other. My hands ran through her cherry scented hair, and hers rested firmly on my hips. We kissed one last time, our lips connected. It rushed through me, her love, and in my calves and in my arms I felt her, surfacing through my body and up to my skin. She drifted in and out of my spirit, beckoning every hair on my neck, every follicle to stand on end to reach out for her touch. And as her tongue moved in my mouth, and my mouth gently rippled like fleshly waves around hers we opened our eyes and we saw each other, staring. Enraptured eyes that burned with the all the fires of life, mine that fluttered with a billion lovers, none of them studied or matched to Allison, and her’s burned with the unbridled lust for our past, the way it was before I died the first time and she slowly pulled away. One last hug and she turned around.
“Hey! I’m ready…” She said to no one, and in the blink of an eye, she was gone. No smell was left, nothing, no warmth from her body, just a spot in front of me, where someone once stood. Beside that spot is where I stand now, and now it is time for me to go.
“I don’t want to remember anything.”
“It knows.”
“Not even her, it was her wish for me to start new and I’ll do it for her.”
“You’ve done this many times. Are you sure you still want to continue repeating your life?”
“I loved Allison, but there’s no reason not to live. You may regret, and I agree, no one ever won’t regret. I have to move on, learn from it, and love each regret. If I could go back I would, I would change everything. I can’t though, and that’s okay. As long as that never changes, as long as I never wish to keep things how they were, as long as I’m constantly so in love with her that I wish I could go back and make it so she never had to feel such a terrible pain in losing me. As long as I never stop caring about what happened. I never stopped caring, and now that she knows. I’m okay. Please, when I wake up this time, I don’t want anything. I don’t want to know anything.”
“Okay.”
“Oh, and if you could give her something, a picture, or anything. I just want her to know that even though I don’t remember her, I’ll always love her.”
“It will see what it can do.”
“Goodbye, it was nice knowing you and all.”
“Yes, I will speak with you soon.”
When Allison arrived in her new home, an endless white void, she had with her the box of keepsakes she hid from everyone, full of pictures, along with a brand new shiny video camera and On it, a note hung and it read;

You would see where we go when we both die.

Imprint

Text: Matthew Erman
Publication Date: 03-18-2010

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