My Book of Indoor Games - Clarence Squareman (uplifting book club books txt) 📗

Why is a washerwoman like a navigator? Because she spreads her sheets, crosses the line and goes from pole to pole.

Why is it that a tailor won't attend to business? Because he is always cutting out.

When can a horse be sea-green in color? When it's a bay.

Why were gloves never meant to sell? Because they were made to be kept on hand.

When are we all artists? When we draw a long face.

Why are watch-dogs bigger by night than by day? Because they are let out at night and taken in in the morning.

Why is B like a hot fire? Because it makes oil Boil.

Why is a schoolmaster like a bootblack? Because he polishes the understandings of the people.

When is a store-keeper always above his business? When he lives over his store.

Which is the liveliest city in the world? Berlin; because it's always on the Spree.

Why is a water-lily like a whale? Because they both come to the surface to blow.

Why is a shoemaker the most industrious of men? Because he works to the last.

What is book-keeping? Forgetting to return borrowed volumes.

Why is scooping out a turnip a noisy process? Because it makes it hollow.

Why are teeth like verbs? Because they are regular, irregular, and defective.

What ships hardly ever sail out of sight? Hardships.

When is an artist a dangerous person? When his designs are bad.

Why are tortoiseshell combs like citadels? They are for-tresses.

Why is the Isthmus of Suez like the first "u" in cucumber? Because it is between two "c's" (seas).

What motive led to the invention of railroads? The loco-motive.

Why are deaf people like Dutch cheeses? Because you can't make them here.

When is the best time to get a fresh egg at sea? When the ship lays to.

Who was the first whistler? The wind.

Why need a traveler never starve in the desert? Because of the sand which is (sandwiches) there.

Why is sympathy like blindman's buff? Because it is a fellow feeling for a fellow creature.

If a Frenchman were to fall into a tub of tallow, in what word would he express his situation? In-de-fat-i-gabble. (Indefatigable.)

Why is a dinner on board a steamboat like Easter Day? Because it is a movable feast.

Spell "enemy" in three letters. F O E.

Why is a little man like a good book? Because he is often looked over.

Why is a pig in a parlor like a house on fire? Because the sooner it is put out the better.

What is the difference between a soldier and a bombshell? One goes to wars, the other goes to pieces.

Which is the only way that a leopard can change his spots? By going from one spot to another.

Why did Eve never fear the measles? Because she'd Adam.

When is a tall man a little short? When he hasn't got quite enough cash.

What houses are the easiest to break into? The houses of bald people; because their locks are few.

Why is a watch the most difficult thing to steal? Because it must be taken off its guard.

Why is there never anybody at home in a convent? Because it is an (n) uninhabited place.

Why does a person who is not good looking make a better carpenter than one who is? Because he is a deal plainer.

What is the best tree for preserving order? The birch.

Why is shoemaking the easiest of trades? Because the shoes are always soled before they are made.

What plant stands for No. 4? IV.

How can a gardener become thrifty? By making the most of his thyme, and by always putting some celery in the bank.

Why is it probable that beer was made in the ark? Because the kangaroo went in with hops, and the bear was always bruin.

"What was the biggest thing you saw at the Panama Exposition?" asked a wife of her husband. "My hotel bill!" said he.

Why is C like a schoolmistress? Because it forms lasses into classes.

What is that which never asks any questions and yet requires many answers? The street door.

If a man bumped his head against the top of a room, what article of stationery would he be supplies with? Ceiling whacks (sealing-wax).

Which is the oldest tree in the country? The elder tree.

Which is the longest word in the English language? Smiles; because there is a mile between the first and last letters.

What is that which happens twice in a moment and not once in a thousand years? The letter M.

How many sides are there to a tree? Two, inside and out.

What sea would a man most like to be in on a wet day? A dry attic (Adriatic).

Why is coffee like an axe with a dull edge? Because it must be ground before it is used.

What is the difference between a bottle of medicine and a troublesome boy? One is to be well shaken before taken, and the other is to be taken and then shaken.

What makes more noise than a pig under a gate? Two pigs.

When is a door not a door? When it is a-jar.

What is the difference between a naughty boy and a postage stamp? Because one you stick with a lick, and the other you lick with a stick.

Why did William Tell shudder when he shot the apple from his son's head? Because it was an arrow escape for his child.

What is that which the more you take from it the larger it grows? A hole.

What is the best land for little kittens? Lapland.

Why should a man always wear a watch when he travels in a waterless desert? Because every watch has a spring in it.

Of what trade is the sun? A tanner.

What relation is a doormat to a door? Step-fa(r)ther.

What is that which you cannot hold ten minutes, although it is as light as a feather? Your breath.

What is the worst weather for rats and mice? When it rains cats and dogs.

What is that which never uses its teeth for eating purposes? A comb.

When are two apples alike? When pared.

What is the difference between a blind man and a sailor in prison? One cannot see to go and the other cannot go to sea.

Why is a plum cake like the ocean? Because it contains so many currants.

What pudding makes the best cricketer? A good batter.

When is a sailor not a sailor? When he's a-board.

Why is the snow different from Sunday? Because it can fall on any day in the week.

What trade would you mention to a short boy? Grow sir (grocer).

What tree is nearest the sea? The beech.

Why is a game of cards like a timber yard? Because there are always a great many deals in it.

Why is a tight boot like an oak tree? Because it produces a corn (acorn).

Why is a city in Ireland likely to be the largest city in the world? Because each year it is Dublin (doubling).

What is the easiest way to swallow a door? Bolt it.

Why is a dancing master like a tree? Because of his bows (boughs).

Name a word of five letters from which if you take two but "one" remains. Stone.

Why is A like twelve o'clock? It is the middle of "day"

When is a man thinner than a lath? When he is a-shaving.

Thought Reading

This is a very good game, which always causes considerable amusement, and if skillfully carried out will very successfully mystify the whole company.

It is necessary that the player who is to take the part of thought-reader should have a confederate, and the game is then played as follows:

The thought-reader, having arranged that the confederate should write a certain word, commences by asking four members of the company to write each a word upon a piece of paper, fold it up in such a manner that it cannot be seen, and then to pass it on to him. The confederate, of course, volunteers to make one of the four, and writes the word previously agreed upon, which is, we will suppose, "Ohio."

The thought-reader places the slips of paper between his fingers, taking care to put the paper of his confederate between the third and little finger; he then takes the folded paper from between his thumb and first finger and rubs it, folded as it is, over his forehead, at each rub mentioning a letter, as O, rub, H, rub, I O, after which he calls out that some lady or gentleman has written "Ohio." "I did," replies the confederate.

The thought-reader then opens the paper, looks at it, and slips it into his pocket; he has, however, looked at one of the other papers.

Consequently he is now in a position to spell another word, which he proceeds to do in the same manner, and thus the game goes on until all the papers have been read.

The Cushion Dance

The children first of all divide themselves into two parties. They then form a ring, and commence dancing round a hassock which is placed, end upward, in the middle of the room. Suddenly one party endeavors to pull the other party forward, so as to force one of their number to kick the hassock and upset it.

The player who has been unfortunate enough to touch the hassock has then to leave the circle. The game proceeds until only two remain; if these two happen to be boys, the struggle is generally prolonged, as they can so easily jump over the hassock, and avoid kicking it.

The Farmyard

This game, if carried out properly, will cause great amusement. One of the party announces that he will whisper to each person the name of some animal, which, at a given signal, must be imitated as loudly as possible. Instead, however, of giving the name of an animal to each, he whispers to all the company, with the exception of one, to keep perfectly silent. To this one he whispers that the animal he is to imitate is the donkey. After a short time, so that all may be in readiness, the signal is given. Instead of all the party making the sounds of various animals, nothing is heard but a loud bray from the one unfortunate member of the company.

"I Point"

It is necessary in this game for the player acting the part of guesser to have a confederate; he is then able to leave the room, and on his return to mention what person was pointed at during his absence. It is done in this way: It is agreed between the guesser and his confederate that whoever speaks last before the door is closed upon the guesser shall be the person who is to be pointed at. It is very seldom that any one discovers this trick.

Diamond Ring

The players sit in a circle with their hands placed palm to palm, the little fingers downward, between the knees. One of the company is chosen to act the part of maid. She takes a ring between her palms, which she keeps flat together in the same way as the rest. She then visits each person in turn and places her hands between the palms of each, so that she is able to slip the ring into some one's hands without the others knowing. When she has visited each, she touches one child, and says: