Winsome Winnie and other New Nonsense Novels by Stephen Leacock (early readers txt) 📗
- Author: Stephen Leacock
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"'Can you fix the accursed thing?' he asked.
"I was not accustomed to being spoken to in this way, but I was willing for the girl's sake to strain professional courtesy to the limit.
"'I don't know,' I answered, 'but if you will have the goodness first to fetch me a little[Pg 195] light supper, I shall be glad to see what I can do afterwards.'
"My firm manner had its effect. With obvious reluctance the fellow served me some biscuits and some not bad champagne in the dining-room.
"The girl had meantime disappeared upstairs.
"'If you're ready now,' said the Bishop, 'come on down.'
"We went down to the cellar. It was a huge, gloomy place, with a cement floor, lighted by a dim electric bulb. I could see in the corner the outline of a large furnace (in those days the poorer classes had still no central heat) and near it a tall boiler. In front of this a man was kneeling, evidently trying to unscrew a nut, but twisting it the wrong way. He was an elderly man with a grey moustache, and was dressed, in open defiance of the law, in a military costume or uniform.
"He turned round towards us and rose from his knees.
"'I'm dashed if I can make the rotten thing go round,' he said.[Pg 196]
"'It's all right, General,' said the Bishop. 'I have brought a plumber.'
"For the next few minutes my professional interest absorbed all my faculties. I laid out my instruments upon a board, tapped the boiler with a small hammer, tested the feed-tube, and in a few moments had made what I was convinced was a correct diagnosis of the trouble.
"But here I encountered the greatest professional dilemma in which I have ever been placed. There was nothing wrong with the boiler at all. It connected, as I ascertained at once by a thermo-dynamic valvular test, with the furnace (in fact, I could see it did), and the furnace quite evidently had been allowed to go out.
"What was I to do? If I told them this, I broke every professional rule of our union. If the thing became known I should probably be disbarred and lose my overalls for it. It was my plain professional duty to take a large hammer and knock holes in the boiler with it, smash up the furnace pipes, start a leak of[Pg 197] gas, and then call in three or more of my colleagues.
"But somehow I couldn't find it in my heart to do it. The thought of the girl's appealing face arose before me.
"'How long has this trouble been going on?' I asked sternly.
"'Quite a time,' answered the Bishop. 'It began, did it not, General, the same day that the confounded furnace went out? The General here and Admiral Hay and I have been working at it for three days.'
"'Well, gentlemen,' I said, 'I don't want to read you a lesson on your own ineptitude, and I don't suppose you would understand it if I did. But don't you see that the whole trouble is because you let the furnace out? The boiler itself is all right, but you see, gents, it feeds off the furnace.'
"'Ah,' said the Bishop in a deep melodious tone, 'it feeds off the furnace. Now that is most interesting. Let me repeat that; I must try to remember it; it feeds off the furnace. Just so.'[Pg 198]
"The upshot was that in twenty minutes we had the whole thing put to rights. I set the General breaking up boxes and had the Bishop rake out the clinkers, and very soon we had the furnace going and the boiler in operation.
"'But now tell me,' said the Bishop, 'suppose one wanted to let the furnace out—suppose, I mean to say, that it was summer-time, and suppose one rather felt that one didn't care about a furnace and yet one wanted one's boiler going for one's hot water, and that sort of thing, what would one do?'
"'In that case,' I said, 'you couldn't run your heating off your furnace: you'd have to connect in your tubing with a gas generator.'
"'Ah, there you get me rather beyond my depth,' said the Bishop.
"The General shook his head. 'Bishop,' he said, 'just step upstairs a minute; I have an idea.'
"They went up together, leaving me below. To my surprise and consternation, as they reached the top of the cellar stairs, I saw the General swing the door shut and heard a key[Pg 199] turn in the lock. I rushed to the top of the stairs and tried in vain to open the door. I was trapped. In a moment I realized my folly in trusting myself in the hands of these people.
"I could hear their voices in the hall, apparently in eager discussion.
"'But the fellow is priceless,' the General was saying. 'We could take him round to all the different houses and make him fix them all. Hang it, Bishop, I haven't had a decent tap running for two years, and Admiral Hay's pantry has been flooded since last March.'
"'But one couldn't compel him?'
"'Certainly, why not? I'd compel him bally quick with this.'
"I couldn't see what the General referred to, but had no doubt that it was the huge wrench that he still carried in his hand.
"'We could gag the fellow,' he went on, 'take him from house to house and make him put everything right.'
"'Ah, but afterwards?' said the Bishop.
"'Afterwards,' answered the General, 'why kill him! Knock him on the head and bury[Pg 200] him under the cement in the cellar. Hay and I could easily bury him, or for that matter I imagine one could easily use the furnace itself to dispose of him.'
"I must confess that my blood ran cold as I listened.
"'But do you think it right?' objected the Bishop. 'You will say, of course, that it is only killing a plumber; but yet one asks oneself whether it wouldn't be just a leetle bit unjustifiable.'
"'Nonsense,' said the General. 'You remember that last year, when Hay strangled the income tax collector, you yourself were very keen on it.'
"'Ah, that was different,' said the Bishop, 'one felt there that there was an end to serve, but here——'
"'Nonsense,' repeated the General, 'come along and get Hay. He'll make short work of him.'
"I heard their retreating footsteps and then all was still.
"The horror which filled my mind as I sat[Pg 201] in the half darkness waiting for their return I cannot describe. My fate appeared sealed and I gave myself up for lost, when presently I heard a light step in the hall and the key turned in the lock.
"The girl stood in front of me. She was trembling with emotion.
"'Quick, quick, Mr. Thornton,' she said. 'I heard all that they said. Oh, I think it's dreadful of them, simply dreadful. Mr. Thornton, I'm really ashamed that Father should act that way.'
"I came out into the hall still half dazed.
"'They've gone over to Admiral Hay's house, there among the trees. That's their lantern. Please, please, don't lose a minute. Do you mind not having a cab? I think really you'd prefer not to wait. And look, won't you please take this?'—she handed me a little packet as she spoke—'this is a piece of pie: you always get that, don't you? and there's a bit of cheese with it, but please run.'
"In another moment I had bounded from the door into the darkness. A wild rush[Pg 202] through the darkened streets, and in twenty minutes I was safe back again in my own consulting-room."
Thornton paused in his narrative, and at that moment one of the stewards of the club came and whispered something in his ear.
He rose.
"I'm sorry," he said, with a grave face. "I'm called away; a very old client of mine. Valvular trouble of the worst kind. I doubt if I can do anything, but I must at least go. Please don't let me break up your evening, however."
With a courtly bow he left us.
"And do you know the sequel to Thornton's story?" asked Fortescue with a smile.
We looked expectantly at him.
"Why, he married the girl," explained Fortescue. "You see, he had to go back to her house for his wrench. One always does."
"Of course," we exclaimed.
"In fact he went three times; and the last time he asked the girl to marry him and she said 'yes.' He took her out of her surround[Pg 203]ings[**missing comma?] had her educated at a cooking school, and had her given lessons on the parlour organ. She's Mrs. Thornton now."
"And the Bishop?" asked some one.
"Oh, Thornton looked after him. He got him a position heating furnaces in the synagogues. He worked at it till he died a few years ago. They say that once he got the trick of it he took the greatest delight in it. Well, I must go too. Good night."
[Pg 205]
(The title is selected for its originality. A set of seventy-five maps will be supplied to any reader free for seventy-five cents. This offer is only open till it is closed)
[Pg 207]
CHAPTER IThe scene was a striking one. It was night. Never had the Mississippi presented a more remarkable appearance. Broad bayous, swollen beyond our powers of description, swirled to and fro in the darkness under trees garlanded with Spanish moss. All moss other than Spanish had been swept away by the angry flood of the river.
Eggleston Lee Carey Randolph, a young Virginian, captain of the ——th company of the ——th regiment of ——'s brigade—even this is more than we ought to say, and is hard to pronounce—attached to the Army of the Tennessee, struggled in vain with the swollen[Pg 208] waters. At times he sank. At other times he went up.
In the intervals he wondered whether it would ever be possible for him to rejoin the particular platoon of the particular regiment to which he belonged, and of which's whereabouts (not having the volume of the army record at hand) he was in ignorance. In the intervals, also, he reflected on his past life to a sufficient extent to give the reader a more or less workable idea as to who and to what he was. His father, the old grey-haired Virginian aristocrat, he could see him still. "Take this sword, Eggleston," he had said, "use it for the State; never for anything else: don't cut string with it or open tin cans. Never sheathe it till the soil of Virginia is free. Keep it bright, my boy: oil it every now and then, and you'll find it an A 1 sword."
Did Eggleston think, too, in his dire peril of another—younger than his father and fairer? Necessarily, he did. "Go, Eggleston!" she had exclaimed, as they said farewell under the portico of his father's house where she was[Pg 209] visiting, "it is your duty. But mine lies elsewhere. I cannot forget that I am a Northern girl. I must return at once to my people in Pennsylvania. Oh, Egg, when will this cruel war end?"
So had the lovers parted.
Meanwhile—while Eggleston is going up and down for the third time, which is of course the last—suppose we leave him, and turn to consider the general position of the Confederacy. All right: suppose we do.
CHAPTER IIAt this date the Confederate Army of the Tennessee was extended in a line with its right resting on the Tennessee and its left resting on the Mississippi. Its rear rested on the rugged stone hills of the Chickasaba range, while its front rested on the marshes and bayous of the Yazoo. Having thus—as far as we understand military matters—both its flanks covered and its rear protected, its position[Pg 210] was one which we ourselves consider very comfortable.
It was thus in an admirable situation for holding a review or for discussing the Constitution of the United States in reference to the right of secession.
The following generals rode up and down in front of the army, namely, Mr. A. P. Hill, Mr. Longstreet, and Mr. Joseph Johnston. All these three celebrated men are thus presented to our readers at one and the same time without extra charge.
But who is this tall, commanding figure who rides beside them, his head bent as if listening to what they are saying (he really isn't) while his eye alternately flashes with animation or softens to its natural melancholy? (In fact, we can only compare it to an electric light bulb with the power gone wrong.) Who is it? It is Jefferson C. Davis, President, as our readers will be gratified to learn, of the Confederate States.
It being a fine day and altogether suitable for the purpose, General Longstreet reined in[Pg 211] his prancing black charger (during this distressed period all the horses in both armies were charged: there was no other way to pay for them), and in a few terse words, about three pages, gave his views on the Constitution of
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