My Man Jeeves by P. G. Wodehouse (best book club books of all time TXT) 📗

me in a flash.”

He looked at me in a kind of dazed way.

“You ought to be in some sort of a home, Reggie.”

“Ass!” I cried. “Don’t you understand? Have you ever heard of twin-brothers who weren’t exactly alike? Who’s to say you aren’t Alfred if you swear you are? Your uncle will be there to back you up that you have a brother Alfred.”

“And Alfred will be there to call me a liar.”

“He won’t. It’s not as if you had to keep it up for the rest of your life. It’s only for an hour or two, till we can get this detective off the yacht. We sail for England to-morrow morning.”

At last the thing seemed to sink into him. His face brightened.

“Why, I really do believe it would work,” he said.

“Of course it would work. If they want proof, show them your mole. I’ll swear George hadn’t one.”

“And as Alfred I should get a chance of talking to Stella and making things all right for George. Reggie, old top, you’re a genius.”

“No, no.”

“You are.”

“Well, it’s only sometimes. I can’t keep it up.”

And just then there was a gentle cough behind us. We spun round.

“What the devil are you doing here, Voules,” I said.

“I beg your pardon, sir. I have heard all.”

I looked at George. George looked at me.

“Voules is all right,” I said. “Decent Voules! Voules wouldn’t give us away, would you, Voules?”

“Yes, sir.”

“You would?”

“Yes, sir.”

“But, Voules, old man,” I said, “be sensible. What would you gain by it?”

“Financially, sir, nothing.”

“Whereas, by keeping quiet”—I tapped him on the chest—“by holding your tongue, Voules, by saying nothing about it to anybody, Voules, old fellow, you might gain a considerable sum.”

“Am I to understand, sir, that, because you are rich and I am poor, you think that you can buy my self-respect?”

“Oh, come!” I said.

“How much?” said Voules.

So we switched to terms. You wouldn’t believe the way the man haggled. You’d have thought a decent, faithful servant would have been delighted to oblige one in a little matter like that for a fiver. But not Voules. By no means. It was a hundred down, and the promise of another hundred when we had got safely away, before he was satisfied. But we fixed it up at last, and poor old George got down to his state-room and changed his clothes.

He’d hardly gone when the breakfast-party came on deck.

“Did you meet him?” I asked.

“Meet whom?” said old Marshall.

“George’s twin-brother Alfred.”

“I didn’t know George had a brother.”

“Nor did he till yesterday. It’s a long story. He was kidnapped in infancy, and everyone thought he was dead. George had a letter from his uncle about him yesterday. I shouldn’t wonder if that’s where George has gone, to see his uncle and find out about it. In the meantime, Alfred has arrived. He’s down in George’s state-room now, having a brush-up. It’ll amaze you, the likeness between them. You’ll think it is George at first. Look! Here he comes.”

And up came George, brushed and clean, in an ordinary yachting suit.

They were rattled. There was no doubt about that. They stood looking at him, as if they thought there was a catch somewhere, but weren’t quite certain where it was. I introduced him, and still they looked doubtful.

“Mr. Pepper tells me my brother is not on board,” said George.

“It’s an amazing likeness,” said old Marshall.

“Is my brother like me?” asked George amiably.

“No one could tell you apart,” I said.

“I suppose twins always are alike,” said George. “But if it ever came to a question of identification, there would be one way of distinguishing us. Do you know George well, Mr. Pepper?”

“He’s a dear old pal of mine.”

“You’ve been swimming with him perhaps?”

“Every day last August.”

“Well, then, you would have noticed it if he had had a mole like this on the back of his neck, wouldn’t you?” He turned his back and stooped and showed the mole. His collar hid it at ordinary times. I had seen it often when we were bathing together.

“Has George a mole like that?” he asked.

“No,” I said. “Oh, no.”

“You would have noticed it if he had?”

“Yes,” I said. “Oh, yes.”

“I’m glad of that,” said George. “It would be a nuisance not to be able to prove one’s own identity.”

That seemed to satisfy them all. They couldn’t get away from it. It seemed to me that from now on the thing was a walk-over. And I think George felt the same, for, when old Marshall asked him if he had had breakfast, he said he had not, went below, and pitched in as if he hadn’t a care in the world.

Everything went right till lunch-time. George sat in the shade on the foredeck talking to Stella most of the time. When the gong went and the rest had started to go below, he drew me back. He was beaming.

“It’s all right,” he said. “What did I tell you?”

“What did you tell me?”

“Why, about Stella. Didn’t I say that Alfred would fix things for George? I told her she looked worried, and got her to tell me what the trouble was. And then——”

“You must have shown a flash of speed if you got her to confide in you after knowing you for about two hours.”

“Perhaps I did,” said George modestly, “I had no notion, till I became him, what a persuasive sort of chap my brother Alfred was. Anyway, she told me all about it, and I started in to show her that George was a pretty good sort of fellow on the whole, who oughtn’t to be turned down for what was evidently merely temporary insanity. She saw my point.”

“And it’s all right?”

“Absolutely, if only we can produce George. How much longer does that infernal sleuth intend to stay here? He seems to have taken root.”

“I fancy he thinks that you’re bound to come back sooner or later, and is waiting for you.”

“He’s an absolute nuisance,” said George.

We were moving towards the companion way, to go below for lunch, when a boat hailed us. We went to the side and looked over.

“It’s my uncle,” said George.

A stout man came up the gangway.

“Halloa, George!” he said. “Get my letter?”

“I think you are mistaking me for my brother,” said George. “My name is Alfred Lattaker.”

“What’s that?”

“I am George’s brother Alfred. Are you my Uncle Augustus?”

The stout man stared at him.

“You’re very like George,” he said.

“So everyone tells me.”

“And you’re really Alfred?”

“I am.”

“I’d like to talk business with you for a moment.”

He cocked his eye at me. I sidled off and went below.

At the foot of the companion-steps I met Voules.

“I beg your pardon, sir,” said Voules. “If it would be convenient I should be glad to have the afternoon off.”

I’m bound to say I rather liked his manner. Absolutely normal. Not a trace of the fellow-conspirator about it. I gave him the afternoon off.

I had lunch—George didn’t show up—and as I was going out I was waylaid by the girl Pilbeam. She had been crying.

“I beg your pardon, sir, but did Mr. Voules ask you for the afternoon?”

I didn’t see what business if was of hers, but she seemed all worked up about it, so I told her.

“Yes, I have given him the afternoon off.”

She broke down—absolutely collapsed. Devilish unpleasant it was. I’m hopeless in a situation like this. After I’d said, “There, there!” which didn’t seem to help much, I hadn’t any remarks to make.

“He s-said he was going to the tables to gamble away all his savings and then shoot himself, because he had nothing left to live for.”

I suddenly remembered the scrap in the small hours outside my state-room door. I hate mysteries. I meant to get to the bottom of this. I couldn’t have a really first-class valet like Voules going about the place shooting himself up. Evidently the girl Pilbeam was at the bottom of the thing. I questioned her. She sobbed.

I questioned her more. I was firm. And eventually she yielded up the facts. Voules had seen George kiss her the night before; that was the trouble.

Things began to piece themselves together. I went up to interview George. There was going to be another job for persuasive Alfred. Voules’s mind had got to be eased as Stella’s had been. I couldn’t afford to lose a fellow with his genius for preserving a trouser-crease.

I found George on the foredeck. What is it Shakespeare or somebody says about some fellow’s face being sicklied o’er with the pale cast of care? George’s was like that. He looked green.

“Finished with your uncle?” I said.

He grinned a ghostly grin.

“There isn’t any uncle,” he said. “There isn’t any Alfred. And there isn’t any money.”

“Explain yourself, old top,” I said.

“It won’t take long. The old crook has spent every penny of the trust money. He’s been at it for years, ever since I was a kid. When the time came to cough up, and I was due to see that he did it, he went to the tables in the hope of a run of luck, and lost the last remnant of the stuff. He had to find a way of holding me for a while and postponing the squaring of accounts while he got away, and he invented this twin-brother business. He knew I should find out sooner or later, but meanwhile he would be able to get off to South America, which he has done. He’s on his way now.”

“You let him go?”

“What could I do? I can’t afford to make a fuss with that man Sturgis around. I can’t prove there’s no Alfred when my only chance of avoiding prison is to be Alfred.”

“Well, you’ve made things right for yourself with Stella Vanderley, anyway,” I said, to cheer him up.

“What’s the good of that now? I’ve hardly any money and no prospects. How can I marry her?”

I pondered.

“It looks to me, old top,” I said at last, “as if things were in a bit of a mess.”

“You’ve guessed it,” said poor old George.

I spent the afternoon musing on Life. If you come to think of it, what a queer thing Life is! So unlike anything else, don’t you know, if you see what I mean. At any moment you may be strolling peacefully along, and all the time Life’s waiting around the corner to fetch you one. You can’t tell when you may be going to get it. It’s all dashed puzzling. Here was poor old George, as well-meaning a fellow as ever stepped, getting swatted all over the ring by the hand of Fate. Why? That’s what I asked myself. Just Life, don’t you know. That’s all there was about it.

It was close on six o’clock when our third visitor of the day arrived. We were sitting on the afterdeck in the cool of the evening—old Marshall, Denman Sturgis, Mrs. Vanderley, Stella, George, and I—when he came up. We had been talking of George, and old Marshall was suggesting the advisability of sending out search-parties. He was worried. So was Stella Vanderley. So, for that matter, were George and I, only not for the same reason.

We were just arguing the thing out when the visitor appeared. He was a well-built, stiff sort of fellow. He spoke with a German accent.

“Mr. Marshall?” he said. “I am Count Fritz von Cöslin, equerry to His Serene Highness”—he clicked his heels together and saluted—“the Prince of Saxburg-Leignitz.”

Mrs. Vanderley jumped up.

“Why, Count,” she said, “what ages since we met in Vienna! You remember?”

“Could I ever forget? And the charming Miss Stella, she is well, I suppose not?”

“Stella, you remember Count Fritz?”

Stella shook hands with him.

“And how is the poor, dear Prince?” asked Mrs. Vanderley. “What a terrible thing to have happened!”

“I rejoice to say that my high-born master is better. He has regained consciousness and is sitting up and taking nourishment.”

“That’s good,” said old Marshall.

“In a spoon only,” sighed the Count. “Mr. Marshall, with your permission I should like a word with Mr. Sturgis.”

“Mr. Who?”

The gimlet-eyed sportsman came forward.

“I am Denman Sturgis, at your service.”

“The deuce you are! What are you doing here?”

“Mr. Sturgis,” explained the Count, “graciously volunteered his services——”

“I know. But what’s he doing here?”

“I am waiting for Mr. George Lattaker, Mr. Marshall.”

“Eh?”

“You have not found him?” asked the Count anxiously.

“Not yet, Count; but I hope to do so shortly. I know what he looks like now. This gentleman is his twin-brother. They are doubles.”

“You are sure this gentleman is not Mr. George Lattaker?”

George put his foot down firmly on the suggestion.

“Don’t go mixing me up with my brother,” he said. “I am Alfred. You can tell me by my mole.”

He exhibited the mole. He was taking