Mr. Punch's Cockney Humour by J. A. Hammerton (best time to read books txt) 📗
- Author: J. A. Hammerton
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[Pg 21]
Little Binks (to unsteady party who had lurched heavily against him). "I beg your pardon, I'm sure, but I'm very short-sighted——"
Dissipated Stranger. "Do' mensh't, shir—I've met goo' many shor' sight peopl'sh morn', bu' you're firsh gen'l'm'sh made 'shli'sht 'pology!"
[Pg 22]
Our 'Arry Again!'Arry is at a hotel where the boarding system prevails, and sees the following notice posted on the walls—"Breakfast, 9 a.m."
'Arry (to Waiter). "Breakfast, and some 'am."
Waiter. "We've no 'am."
'Arry. "No 'am! (Pointing to notice.) What's that?"
Says one 'Arry to another 'Arry. "I say, old man, the papers say they 'ope 1882 will be the openin' of a new era. What's that?"
Second 'Arry. "Openin' of a new 'earer? Why, a telephone, of course, you juggins!"
A SONG FOR COCKNEY SPORTSMENThe hart's in the Highlands,
Of that there's no fear,
And 'tis there you may buy lands
For stalking the deer:
But the hills are no trifle,
And they're windy and cold,
So your wish you'd best stifle,
Or buy, and be—sold.
[Pg 23]
'Arry. "T'aint no good miking a fuss about it, yer know, guv'nor! Me and my pals must 'ave our 'd'y out'!"
Foreign Fellow-traveller. "Aha! Die out! You go to die out? Mon Dieu! I am vairy glad to 'ear it. It is time!"
[Pg 24]
'Arry (who is foraging for his camping party). "Look here, my good woman, are these cabbages fresh?"
[Pg 25]
Little Dobbs. "Hullo! what's that? Looks like a mowing machine."
Hairdresser (who does not appreciate "chaff"). "No, sir, 'tain't a mowin' machine. It's meant to give gentlemen fresh hair."
[Pg 26]
Gentleman with the Broom (who has inadvertently splashed the artist's favourite shipwreck). "Ow yus! I suppose yer think ye're the president o' the Roy'l Acadermy! A settin' there in the lap er luxury!!"
[Pg 27]
British Habitual Criminal. "Well, if these 'ere furrin aliens is a-goin' ter take the bread out of a honest man's mouth—blimey if I don't turn copper!"
[Pg 28]
Very Appropriate.—Says 'Arry, "Regular good place for a medical man to live in is 'Ill Street, Berkeley Square. But why don't he cure it and make it Quite Well Street?"
COMMENT BY A COCKNEYBad-Gastein! Sounds more fit than nice, and yet
They say most healing waters there are had.
Strange, though, that people fancy good to get
By going to the Bad!
'Arriet read from a daily paper, "Navigation in the Ouse." "I s'pose," said 'Arry, "as the members are goin' to 'ave a 'ouse-boat this season. Which 'ouse? Hupper or lower? Whichever's to steer? The Speaker or Lord 'Igh Chancellor?"
Two Distinct Classes.—The aristocracy and the 'Arry-stocracy.
[Pg 29]
'Arry. "I s'y—does one tip the witers 'ere?"
Alphonse. "Not onless you are reecher zan ze vaiter, sare!"
[Pg 30]
THE BLESSED HERITAGE ["Poverty is a blessed heritage."—Mr. Carnegie.]'Ere, Lizer, wheer's yer gratitood? 'E ses, ses Mr. C.,
As it's a blessed 'eritage, is poverty, ses 'e.
Then think 'ow thankful an' 'ow blest we oughter feel, us two,
But yet yer that contrairy that I'm blest, Liz, if yer do.
Wot? 'Ungry? Wot is 'unger? Don't it vary the monotony
An' Wooster sorce yer vittles, that's supposin' as yer've got any?
Then think of them pore millionaires wot misses the delight
Of 'avin' 'ad no breakfast on a roarin' happytite.
Then money! I Think, Elizer, of them cruel stocks and shares
Wot makes their lives a torter to them martyred millionaires
Oh, ain't we much more appy when the sticks is up the spout
An' the kids is wantin' dinner and 'as got ter go without?
And don't it make yer 'eart bleed, too, to think of all the care
Of mansions in the country and an 'ouse in Grosvenor Square?
Ah, what would them pore fellers give if honly they could come
An' live with all their fam'ly in our garret hup the slum?[Pg 32]
Wot, Liz? Yer'd like ter see 'em come? 'Ere, none o' that theer charf!
Yer'd sell yer bloomin' birthright for a pot of 'arf-an-'arf?
Lor, Liz! Ter think as you should be in sich a thankless mood!
Yer've got a "blessed 'eritage," an' 'ere's yer gratitood!
'Arry Examined.—Q. "What is meant by 'Higher Education'"?
'Arry. "Getting a tutor at so much a week. That's the way I should 'ire education—if I wanted it."
Why He is Such a Dull Boy."'Arry," said an eminent comic singer to his friend, confidentially at the Oxford, "I'm exclusively engaged at the music 'alls; mayn't perform in a theatre."
"Then," replied 'Arry, knowingly, "it's all work and no play with you."
The conclusion was so evident that, had it not been for a good deal of soothing syrup at 'Arry's expense, there might have been a serious breach of the peace.
[Pg 31]
Toff. "I say, my boy, would you like to drive me to Piccadilly?"
Boy. "I shouldn't mind, old sport, only I don't fink the 'arness would fit yer!"
[Pg 33]
Tout Contractor (who has been paid a shilling per man, and sees his way to a little extra profit). "Now look 'ere, you two H's! The public don't want yer—nor I don't, nor nobody don't; so jist drop them boards, and then 'ook it!"
[Pg 34]
OBSERVATIONS BY A COCKNEY NATURALISTA nightingale has been heard singing in Kensington Gardens (vide Times, April 19). A salmon has been seen swimming close to London Bridge. A trout has been observed (reposing on a marble slab) near to Charing Cross. Sticklebacks have been captured in the waters of the Serpentine. Plovers eggs have been discovered in the middle of Covent Garden: I myself have found there as many as two dozen in a single walk. There is a rookery in St. Giles's, well known to the police. I have seen a pigeon shot not far from Shepherd's Bush, and I have heard one has been plucked by a member of the hawk tribe at another West-End haunt. Blackbeetles are common in the back kitchens of Belgravia, and bluebottles abound among the butchers of Whitechapel during the warm months. There is another kind of fly, which is said to be indigenous to the stables of the jobmasters, and which also may be seen by[Pg 36] observant Cockney naturalists, but less seldom in Whitechapel than near the Regent's Park. Sparrow-clubs have not been established yet in London, but pea-shooters are common in many of its streets. I am told that early risers may hear a male canary singing in the neighbourhood of Islington at four o'clock, A.M., and may also hear a cock crow any morning, except Sunday, between five and six o'clock. The thrush has been observed among sundry of the children, under medical inspection, in the nurseries and infant hospitals of town. Little ducks are plentiful in the salons of Tyburnia, and in Bayswater and Brompton there are numbers of great geese. Welsh rabbits may be seen close to Covent Garden, and wild turkeys have been noticed even in the Strand, hanging by the beak. In the purlieus of St. Stephen's, where are the sacred haunts of the collective wisdom of the kingdom, I have heard the hootings of many an old owl. From information which I have received from members of the metropolitan police, I may assert that larks are common in the Haymarket, and that on the shores of the silver Thames at Wapping there is frequently observable a[Pg 38] goodly flock of mudlarks. From similar information, I may add that there are careful observers in the streets who rarely pass a day without their setting their eyes upon a robbin'. Who shall say that in the very midst of the metropolis there is not abundant evidence of a truly rural, and a tooral-looral life?
Night-Birds that make West-End Night Hideous.—The 'owls of 'Arry after his larks.
Charade for Costermongers.—My first is unfathomable, my second odoriferous, and my whole is a people of Africa.—Abyss-inians.
Consolation for Cockneys.—It is all very well to talk of the fine boulevards of Paris; but in the French metropolis, where the rent is so high, and the living so dear, there is not one street to be named with Cheapside.
[Pg 35]
'Arry (encountering a shut gate for the first time). "Wonder which end the thing opens? Ah, 'ere y'are! 'Ere's the 'ooks an' eyes!"
[Pg 37]
Cockney Tourist. "Tut-t-t! Good gracious! What ever can 'ave made the corn turn so black?"
[Pg 39]
Owner. "Well, the poor old moke ain't been quite 'isself lately, so we thought a day in the country 'ud do im good!"
[Pg 40]
MISTAKES ABOUT SCOTLAND (Contributed by a Converted Cockney)It is a mistake to believe that every Scotchman, when he goes to Edinburgh, immediately walks down Princes Street clad in the ancient costume of the Highlanders.
It is a mistake to believe that the pièce de résistance at every Scotch dinner-party is a haggis.
It is a mistake to believe that a Scotchman does not enjoy a joke every bit as much as an Englishman.
It is a mistake to believe that a Scotch Sabbath in the country is a whit more triste than an English Sunday in the provinces.
It is a mistake to believe that a Scotchman sets a greater value upon his "bawbee" than an Englishman upon his shilling or an American upon his dollar.
It is a mistake to believe that inns in Scotland are dearer and less comfortable than hotels in England.
It is a mistake to believe that we have a city in[Pg 42] England that can compare favourably (from an architectural point of view) with the town of Edinburgh.
It is a mistake to believe that it always rains in the Isle of Skye.
It is a mistake to believe that there are no more "Fair Maids" in the houses of Perth.
It is a mistake to believe that Hampstead Heath is as beautiful as Dunkeld.
It is a mistake to believe that the Caledonian Canal is at all like the Serpentine.
It is a mistake to believe that Aberdeen is less imposing in appearance than Chelsea or Islington.
It is a mistake to believe that the countrymen of Scott and Burns do not appreciate the works of Shakspeare, Milton, Byron, Dickens, Thackeray, and Tennyson.
And, lastly (this is added to the Cockney's list by the wisest sage of this or any other age), it is the greatest mistake of all to believe that Mr. Punch does not like and respect (in spite of an occasional joke at their expense) the kindly, homely, sound-hearted people who live north of the Tweed.
[Pg 41]
Little 'Arry (who has had a "bad day"—to driver of public coach). "Ever lose any money backin' 'orses, coachie?"
Driver. "Not 'alf! Lost twenty quid once—backed a pair of 'orses and a homnibus into a shop window in Regent Street!"
[Pg 43]
Old Lady. "Dear me, what a nice refined-looking little boy. Why, Jane, he has a mouth fit for a cherub; I really must give him sixpence."
[Does so.
The Cherub (five seconds later). "S-s-s-s!! Billee! the old gal's give me a tanner!"
[Pg 44]
BY OUR COCKNEYWhen is a yew tree not a yew tree? When it's a 'igh tree.
Talking of that, Mr. P., what
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