Mr. Punch at the Seaside by J. A. Hammerton (classic children's novels .txt) đ
- Author: J. A. Hammerton
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How often, in a most interesting part of a novel, or in the midst of a love passage of real life,[Pg 22] in which the nurse is herself the heroine, how often, alas! is she not liable to be disturbed by the howl of a brat, with a cow's horn in his eye, a dog's teeth in his heels, or in some other awkward dilemma, which could not have arisen had the domestic Child-coop been an article of common use in the Metropolitan parks, or on the sands at the seaside?
There is something very beautiful in the comparison of helpless infancy to a brood of young chickens, with its attendant imagery of "mother's wing", and all that sort of thing, but the allegory would be rendered much more complete by the application of the hencoop to domestic purposes. We intend buying one for our own stud of piccoliâwhich means little picklesâand we hope to see all heads of families taking it into their heads to follow our example.
Midsummer Madness.âGoing to the seaside in search of quiet.
[Pg 21]
"D'year as 'ow old Bob Osborne 'ave give up shrimpin' an took ter winklin'?"
"Well, I'm blest!"
[Pg 23]
You give them a change by taking them to the seasideâall they have to do is to look after the childrenâand yet they don't seem to appreciate it.
[Pg 24]
ON THE SPOTShall we like Pierpoint, to which favourite and healthy seaside resort we finally resolved to come, after a period of much indecision and uncertainty, and where we arrived, in heavy rain, in two cabs, with thirteen packages, on Saturday?
Shall we be comfortable at 62, Convolution Street, dining-room floor, two guineas and a half a week, and all and perhaps rather more than the usual extras?
Shall we like Mrs. Kittlespark?
Shall we find Kate all that a Kate ought to be?
Shall we lock everything up, or repose a noble confidence in Mrs. Kittlespark and Kate?
Shall we get to know the people in the drawing-room?
Shall we subscribe to the Pier, or pay each time we go on it?
Shall we subscribe to that most accommodating Circulating Library, Pigram's, where we can exchange our books at pleasure, but not oftener than once a day?
Shall we relax our minds with the newest novels, or give our intellects a bracing course of the best standard works?
Shall we dine late or early?
Shall we call on the Denbigh Flints, who, according to the Pierpoint Pioneer, are staying at 10, Ocean Crescent?
[Pg 26]
Shall we carefully avoid the Wilkiesons, whom the same unerring guide reports at 33, Blue Lion Street?
Shall we be satisfied with our first weekly bill?
Shall we find in it any unexpected and novel extras, such as knife-cleaning, proportion of the water-rate, loan of latch-key, &c.?
Shall we get our meat at Round's, who displays the Prince of Wales's Feathers over his shop door, and plumes himself on being "purveyor" to His Royal Highness; or at Cleaver's, who boasts of the patronage of the Hereditary Grand Duke of Seltersland?
Shall we find everything dearer here than it is at home?
Shall we be happy in our laundress?
Shall we be photographed?
Shall we, as Mrs. Kittlespark has a spare bed-room, invite our Cousin Amelia Staythorp, from whom we have expectations, and who is Constance Edith Amelia's Godmother, to come down and stay a week with us?
Shall we be praiseworthily economical, and determine not to spend a single unnecessary sixpence; or shall we, as we have come to Pierpoint, enjoy ourselves to the utmost, go in for all the amusements of the placeâpier, public gardens, theatre, concerts, Oceanarium, bathing, boating, fishing, driving, riding, and rinkingâmake excursions, be ostentatiously liberal to the Town Band, and buy everything that is offered to us on the Beach?
A month hence, shall we be glad or sorry to leave Pierpoint, and go back to Paddington?
Postscript To a Seaside Letter.â"The sea is as smooth, and clear, as a looking-glass. The oysters might see to shave in it."
[Pg 25]
[Pg 27]
The Female Blondin Outdone! Grand Morning Performance on the Narrow Plank by the Darling ----
[Pg 28]
Mrs. T. "What a wretch you must be, T.; why don't you take me off? Don't you see I'm overtook with the tide, and I shall be drownded!"
T. "Well, thenâwill you promise not to kick up such a row when I stop out late of a Saturday?"
[Pg 29]
"And look here! I want you to take my friend here and myself just far enough to be up to our chins, you know, and no further!"
[Pg 30]
WHAT THE WILD WAVES ARE SAYINGThat the lodging-house keepers are on the look out for the weary Londoners and their boxes.
That the sea breezes will attract all the world from the Metropolis to the coast.
That Britons should prefer Ramsgate, Eastbourne, Scarborough, and the like, to Dieppe, Dinard, and Boulogne.
That paterfamilias should remember, when paying the bill, that a two months' letting barely compensates for an empty house during the remainder of the year.
That the shore is a place of recreation for all but the bathing-machine horse.
That the circulating libraries are stocked with superfluous copies of unknown novels waiting to be read.
That, finally, during the excursion season, 'Arry will have to be tolerated, if not exactly loved.
[Pg 31]
TimeâDecember or January.
[Pg 32]
Mrs. Fydgetts (screaming). "My child! My child!"
Mr. Fydgetts. "What's the use of making that noise? Can't you be quiet?"
Mrs. F. "You're a brute, sir."
Mr. F. "I wish I were; for then I should be able to swim."
Mrs. F. "Mr. Fydgetts! Ain't you a-coming to help me?"
Mr. F. "No! It serves you right for bringing me down to this stupid place."
Mrs. F. "I, indeed. Why, I wanted to go to Brighton and you would come to Margateâyou said it was cheaper".
Mr. F. "It's false; I said no such thing".
Mrs. F. "You did, you did!"
Mr. F. "O, woman! woman! Where do you expect to go to?"
Mrs. F. "To the bottom; unless you come and help me!"
Mr. F. "Help yourself. I'm s-i-n-k-i-n-g"â
Mrs. F. "My child! My child!"
Mr. F. (rising from the water). "Be quiet, can't you! Woo-o-mâ" (the rest is inaudible, but the watery pair are saved just in time, and renew their dispute in the boat as soon as they are rescued from their perilous position).
[Pg 33]
Mabel (soliloquising). "Dear me, this relaxing climate makes even one's parasol seem too heavy to hold!"
[Pg 34]
HOLIDAY HAUNTS By Jingle Junior on the JauntI.âGREAT YARMOUTH
Why Great?âwhere's Little Yarmouth?âor Mid-Sized Yarmouth?âgive it upâdon't knowâhate people who ask conundrumsâfeel well cured directly you get hereâgood trademark for dried-fish sellers, "The Perfect Cure"âif you stay a fortnight, get quite kipperishâstay a month, talk kipperish! Principal attractionsâBloaters and Rowsâfirst eatâsecond seeâsong, "Speak gently of the Herring"â"long shore" ones splendidâkippers deliciousâsong, "What's a' the steer, Kipper?"âsong, "Nobody's rows like our Rows"âmore they areâvariedâpicturesqueâtumbledownâparadise for paintersâvery narrowâcapital support for native Bloater going home after dinnerâodd namesâRamp, Kitty WitchesâGallon Can,[Pg 36] Conge! Fancy oneself quite the honest toiler of the seaâought to go about in dried haddock suitâfeel inclined to emulate Mr. Peggottyârun into quiet tavernsâthump tables violentlyâsay "gormed!" Whole neighbourhood recalls Ham and Little Em'lyâDavid, Steerforth, Mrs. Gummidgeârecall ham myselfâif well broiledâlunchâpleasant promenades on piersâplenty of amusement in watching the bloateric commerceâfresh water fishing in adjacent Broads, if you likeâif not, let it aloneâbroad as it's long! The Denesânot sardinesânor rural deansâgood places for exerciseâplenty of antiquitiesâold customsâquaint traditions! Picturesque ancient tavernsâcapital modern hotelsâstopping in one of the latterâpolite waiter just appearedâdinner servedâsoup'll get coldâmustn't waitânever insult good cook by being unpunctualârather let Editor go short than hurt cook's feelings[1]âso no more at presentâfrom Yours Truly.
[Pg 38]
II.âLITTLEHAMPTON.Emphatically the Sea on the strict Q Tâno bustle at railway-stationâtrain glides in noiselesslyâpassengers ooze awayâporters good-tempered and easy-goingâlike suffragan Bishops in corduroysâbless boxesâread pastorals on portmanteauxâno one in a hurryâlocomotive coos softly in an undertoneâfly-drivers suggest possibility of your requiring their services in a whisper! Place fullâno lodgings to be hadâvisitors manage to efface themselvesâno one aboutâall having early dinnersâor gone to bedâor pretending to be somewhere elseâa one-sided game of hide and seekâeverybody hiding, nobody seeking! Seems always afternoonâdreamy gleamy sunshineâa dense quietude that you might cut in slicesâno braying brass-bandsâno raucous niggersâno seaside harpiesâHonfleur packet only excitementâno one goes to see it startâvisitors don't like to be excited! Chief amusements, Common, Sands, and Pony-chaisesâfirst, good to roll onâsecond, good to stroll onâfirst two, gratuitous and breezyâthird, inexpensive and easyâmight be driven out of your mind for three-and-sixânotwithstanding this, everybody presumably sane. Capital place for childrenâcricket for boysâshrimping for girlsâbare legsâpicturesque dressânot much caughtâsalt water good for anklesâexcellent bathingârows of bathing-tentsâadmirable notion! Interesting excursionsâArundel CastleâBramberâBognorâChichesterâPetworth House! Good things to eatâArundel mulletâAmberley troutâTarring figs! Delightful airâomnipotent ozoneâuninterrupted quietâjust the place to recover your balance, either mental or monetaryâI wish to[Pg 43] recover bothâthat's the reason I'm hereâsend cheque at once to complete cure.[2]
[1]
Don't like this sentiment. Is J. J. a Cook's Tourist?âEd.
[2]
We have sent him the price of a third-class fare to town, with orders to return instantly: possibly this is hardly the sort of check that our friend "J. J." expected.âEd.
III.âSCARBOROUGH.Long way from Londonâno matterâfast trainâsoon hereâonce here don't wish to leaveâpalatial hotelsâevery luxuryâgood tables d'hïżœteâpleasant ballsâlively society! Exhilarating airâgood as champagne without "morning after"âup earlyâgo to bed lateâauthorities provide something better than a broken-down pier, a circulating library, and a rickety bathing-machineâauthorities disburse large sums for benefit of visitorsâvisitors spend lots of money in townâmutual satisfactionâplace crowdedâcapital bandsâexcellent theatricalsâvaried entertainmentsâright way to do it! The Spaâfirst discovered 1620âpeople been discovering it ever sinceâsome drink itâmore walk on itâlounge on itâsmoke on itâflirt on itâwonderful costumes in the morningâmore wonderful in the afternoonâmost wonderful in the evening! North SandsâSouth Sandsâfine old Castle well placedâpicturesque old townâwell-built modern terraces, squares and streetsâpony-chaisesâriding-horsesâLift for lazy ones! Capital excursionsâOliver's MountâCarnelian BayâScalby MillâHacknessâWykehamâFiley! Delightful gardensâsecluded seats[Pg 44] âhidden nooksâshady bowersâwell-screened cornersâNorthern Bellesâbright eyesâsoft nothingsâeloquent sighsâsquozen handsâbefore you know where you areâask papaâall upâdangerous very! Overcome by feelingsâcan't write any moreâfriend asks me to drink watersâquery North Chalybeate or South Salt Wellâwonder whichâif in doubt try soda qualified with brandyâgood people scarceâbetter run no risk!
Costume in Keeping.â"Of all sweet things", said Bertha, "for the seaside, give me a serge." The Ancient Mariner shook his head. He didn't see the joke.
Board and Lodging!âLandlady. "Yes, sir, the board were certingly to be a guinea a week, but I didn't know as you was a-going to bathe in the sea before breakfast and take bottles of tonic
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