bookssland.com » Humor » The Wit and Humor of America, Volume I. (of X.) by Marshall P. Wilder (a book to read TXT) 📗

Book online «The Wit and Humor of America, Volume I. (of X.) by Marshall P. Wilder (a book to read TXT) 📗». Author Marshall P. Wilder



1 ... 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 ... 30
Go to page:
to a T.
Parson Wilbur he calls all these argimunts lies;
Sez they're nothin' on airth but jest fee, faw, fum;
An' thet all this big talk of our destinies
Is half on it ign'ance, an' t'other half rum;
But John P.
Robinson he
Sez it ain't no sech thing; an', of course, so must we.[Pg 133]
Parson Wilbur sez he never heerd in his life
Thet th' Apostles rigged out in their swaller-tail coats,
An' marched round in front of a drum an' a fife,
To git some on 'em office, an' some on 'em votes;
But John P.
Robinson he
Sez they didn't know everythin' down in Judee.
Wall, it's a marcy we've gut folks to tell us
The rights an' the wrongs o' these matters, I vow,—
God sends country lawyers, an' other wise fellers,
To start the world's team wen it gits in a slough;
Fer John P.
Robinson he
Sez the world'll go right, ef he hollers out Gee!
[Pg 134] THE DAY WE DO NOT CELEBRATE BY ROBERT J. BURDETTE
One famous day in great July
John Adams said, long years gone by,
"This day that makes a people free
Shall be the people's jubilee,
With games, guns, sports, and shows displayed,
With bells, pomp, bonfires, and parade,
Throughout this land, from shore to shore,
From this time forth, forevermore."
The years passed on, and by and by,
Men's hearts grew cold in hot July.
And Mayor Hawarden Cholmondely said
"Hof rockets Hi ham sore hafraid;
Hand hif you send one hup hablaze,
Hi'll send you hup for sixty days."
Then said the Mayor O'Shay McQuade,
"Thayre uz no nade fur no perade."
And Mayor Hans Von Schwartzenmeyer
Proclaimed, "I'll haf me no bonfier!"
Said Mayor Baptiste Raphael
"No make-a ring-a dat-a bell!"[Pg 135]
"By gar!" cried Mayor Jean Crapaud,
"Zis July games vill has to go!"
And Mayor Knud Christofferrssonn
Said, "Djeath to hjjim who fjjres a gjjunn!"
At last, cried Mayor Wun Lung Lee—
"Too muchee hoop-la boberee!"
And so the Yankee holiday,
Of proclamations passed away.
[Pg 136] THE YANKEE DUDE'LL DO BY S.E. KISER
When Cholly swung his golf-stick on the links,
Or knocked the tennis-ball across the net,
With his bangs done up in cunning little kinks—
When he wore the tallest collar he could get,
Oh, it was the fashion then
To impale him on the pen—
To regard him as a being made of putty through and through;
But his racquet's laid away,
He is roughing it to-day,
And heroically proving that the Yankee dude'll do.
When Algy, as some knight of old arrayed,
Was the leading figure at the "fawncy ball,"
We loathed him for the silly part he played,
He was set down as a monkey—that was all!
Oh, we looked upon him then
As unfit to class with men,
As one whose heart was putty, and whose brains were made of glue;
But he's thrown his cane away,
And he grasps a gun to-day,
While the world beholds him, knowing that the Yankee dude'll do.[Pg 137]
When Clarence cruised about upon his yacht,
Or drove out with his footman through the park,
His mamma, it was generally thought,
Ought to have him in her keeping after dark!
Oh, we ridiculed him then,
We impaled him on the pen,
We thought he was effeminate, we dubbed him "Sissy," too;
But he nobly marched away,
He is eating pork to-day,
And heroically proving that the Yankee dude'll do.
How they hurled themselves against the angry foe,
In the jungle and the trenches on the hill!
When the word to charge was given, every dude was on the go—
He was there to die, to capture, or to kill!
Oh, he struck his level when
Men were called upon again
To preserve the ancient glory of the old red, white, and blue!
He has thrown his spats away,
He is wearing spurs to-day,
And the world will please take notice that the Yankee dude'll do!
[Pg 138] SPELLING DOWN THE MASTER BY EDWARD EGGLESTON

"I 'low," said Mrs. Means, as she stuffed the tobacco into her cob pipe after supper on that eventful Wednesday evening: "I 'low they'll app'int the Squire to gin out the words to-night. They mos' always do, you see, kase he's the peartest ole man in this deestrick; and I 'low some of the young fellers would have to git up and dust ef they would keep up to him. And he uses sech remarkable smart words. He speaks so polite, too. But laws! don't I remember when he was poarer nor Job's turkey? Twenty year ago, when he come to these 'ere diggin's, that air Squire Hawkins was a poar Yankee school-master, that said 'pail' instid of bucket, and that called a cow a 'caow,' and that couldn't tell to save his gizzard what we meant by 'low and by right smart. But he's larnt our ways now, an' he's jest as civilized as the rest of us. You would-n know he'd ever been a Yankee. He didn't stay poar long. Not he. He jest married a right rich girl! He! he!" And the old woman grinned at Ralph, and then at Mirandy, and then at the rest, until Ralph shuddered. Nothing was so frightful to him as to be fawned on by this grinning ogre, whose few lonesome, blackish teeth seemed ready to devour him. "He didn't stay poar, you bet a hoss!" and with this the coal was deposited on the pipe, and the lips began to crack like parchment as each puff of smoke escaped. "He married rich, you see," and[Pg 139] here another significant look at the young master, and another fond look at Mirandy, as she puffed away reflectively. "His wife hadn't no book-larnin'. She'd been through the spellin'-book wunst, and had got as fur as 'asperity' on it a second time. But she couldn't read a word when she was married, and never could. She warn't overly smart. She hadn't hardly got the sense the law allows. But schools was skase in them air days, and, besides, book-larnin' don't do no good to a woman. Makes her stuck up. I never knowed but one gal in my life as had ciphered into fractions, and she was so dog-on stuck up that she turned up her nose one night at a apple-peelin' bekase I tuck a sheet off the bed to splice out the tablecloth, which was ruther short. And the sheet was mos' clean too. Had-n been slep on more'n wunst or twicet. But I was goin' fer to say that when Squire Hawkins married Virginny Gray he got a heap o' money, or, what's the same thing mostly, a heap o' good land. And that's better'n book-larnin', says I. Ef a gal had gone clean through all eddication, and got to the rule of three itself, that would-n buy a feather-bed. Squire Hawkins jest put eddication agin the gal's farm, and traded even, an' ef ary one of 'em got swindled, I never heerd no complaints."

And here she looked at Ralph in triumph, her hard face splintering into the hideous semblance of a smile. And Mirandy cast a blushing, gushing, all-imploring, and all-confiding look on the young master.

"I say, ole woman," broke in old Jack, "I say, wot is all this 'ere spoutin' about the Square fer?" and old Jack, having bit off an ounce of "pigtail," returned the plug to his pocket.

As for Ralph, he fell into a sort of terror. He had a guilty feeling that this speech of the old lady's had somehow committed him beyond recall to Mirandy. He did[Pg 140] not see visions of breach-of-promise suits. But he trembled at the thought of an avenging big brother.

"Hanner, you kin come along, too, ef you're a mind, when you git the dishes washed," said Mrs. Means to the bound girl, as she shut and latched the back door. The Means family had built a new house in front of the old one, as a sort of advertisement of bettered circumstances, an eruption of shoddy feeling; but when the new building was completed, they found themselves unable to occupy it for anything else than a lumber room, and so, except a parlor which Mirandy had made an effort to furnish a little (in hope of the blissful time when somebody should "set up" with her of evenings), the new building was almost unoccupied, and the family went in and out through the back door, which, indeed, was the front door also, for, according to a curious custom, the "front" of the house was placed toward the south, though the "big road" (Hoosier for highway) ran along the northwest side, or, rather, past the northwest corner of it.

When the old woman had spoken thus to Hannah and had latched the door, she muttered, "That gal don't never show no gratitude fer favors;" to which Bud rejoined that he didn't think she had no great sight to be pertickler thankful fer. To which Mrs. Means made no reply, thinking it best, perhaps, not to wake up her dutiful son on so interesting a theme as her treatment of Hannah. Ralph felt glad that he was this evening to go to another boarding place. He should not hear the rest of the controversy.

Ralph walked to the school-house with Bill. They were friends again. For when Hank Banta's ducking and his dogged obstinacy in sitting in his wet clothes had brought on a serious fever, Ralph had called together the big boys, and had said: "We must take care of one another, boys.[Pg 141] Who will volunteer to take turns sitting up with Henry?" He put his own name down, and all the rest followed.

"William Means and myself will sit up to-night," said Ralph. And poor Bill had been from that moment the teacher's friend. He was chosen to be Ralph's companion. He was Puppy Means no longer! Hank could not be conquered by kindness, and the teacher was made to feel the bitterness of his resentment long after. But Bill Means was for the time entirely placated, and he and Ralph went to spelling-school together.

Every family furnished a candle. There were yellow dips and white dips, burning, smoking, and flaring. There was laughing, and talking, and giggling, and simpering, and ogling, and flirting, and courting. What a full-dress party is to Fifth Avenue, a spelling-school is to Hoopole County. It is an occasion which is metaphorically inscribed with this legend: "Choose your partners." Spelling is only a blind in Hoopole County, as is dancing on Fifth Avenue. But as there are some in society who love dancing for its own sake, so in Flat Creek district there were those who loved spelling for its own sake, and who, smelling the battle from afar, had come to try their skill in this tournament, hoping to freshen the laurels they had won in their school days.

"I 'low," said Mr. Means, speaking as the principal school trustee, "I 'low our friend the Square is jest the man to boss this 'ere consarn to-night. Ef nobody objects, I'll app'int him. Come, Square, don't be bashful. Walk up to the trough, fodder or no fodder, as the man said to his donkey."

There was a general giggle at this, and many of the young swains took occasion to nudge the girls alongside them, ostensibly for the purpose of making them see the joke, but really for the pure pleasure of nudging. The[Pg 142] Greeks figured Cupid as naked, probably because he wears so many disguises that they could not select a costume for him.

The Squire came to the front. Ralph made an

1 ... 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 ... 30
Go to page:

Free e-book «The Wit and Humor of America, Volume I. (of X.) by Marshall P. Wilder (a book to read TXT) 📗» - read online now

Comments (0)

There are no comments yet. You can be the first!
Add a comment