Mr. Punch in Bohemia by Various (free ebook reader for pc .txt) 📗
- Author: Various
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Costermonger. Rot my taturs.
Dramatic Author. Steal my French Dictionary.
Actor. I'll be hissed.
Tailor. Cut me out. Cook my goose.
Linendraper. Soil my silks. Sell me off.[Pg 80]
Grocer. Squash my figs. Sand my sugar. Seize my scales.
Baker. Knead my dough. Scorch my muffins.
Auctioneer. Knock me down.
"The Players are Come!"—First Player (who has had a run of ill-luck). I'm regularly haunted by the recollection of my losses at baccarat.
Second Player. Quite Shakespearian! "Banco's ghost."
Something to Live For.—(From the Literary Club Smoking-room.) Cynicus. I'm waiting till my friends are dead, in order to write my reminiscences?
Amicus. Ah, but remember. "De mortuis nil nisi bonum."
Cynicus. Quite so. I shall tell nothing but exceedingly good stories about them.
A Contradiction.—In picture exhibitions, the observant spectator is struck by the fact that works hung on the line are too often below the mark.
A "Light" Repast.—A feast of lanterns.
[Pg 79]
Fair Amateur (to carpenter). "My picture is quite hidden with that horrid ticket on it. Can't you fix it on the frame?" Carpenter. "Why, you'll spoil the frame, mum!"
[Pg 81]
Jones. "Do you drink between meals?"
Smith. "No. I eat between drinks."
Jones. "Which did you do last?"
Smith. "Drink."
Jones. "Then we'd better go and have a sandwich at once!"
[Pg 82]
"Largest Circulation in the World."—The elephant's.
The Worst Place in Thirsty Weather.—Taplow.
Inscription for an Old Clothes Shop.—"Nothing new."
[Pg 83]
(As sung sweetly by a Public-House-Baritone)
Literary Announcement.—In the press—yesterday's tablecloth.
The Height of Economy.—A "screw" of tobacco.
[Pg 84]
Scene I.—Street Singer. "I fear no foe in shining ar——."
[Pg 85]
Scene II.—Enter policeman.
[Pg 86]
THE QUICK GRUB STREET CO.The Quick Grub Street Co. beg to announce that they have opened an Establishment for the Supply of Literature in all its Branches.
Every Editor should send for our Prices and compare them with those of other houses.
Poetry Department.We employ experienced poets for the supply of garden verses, war songs, &c., and undertake to fill any order within twenty-four hours of its reaching us. Our Mr. Rhymeesi will be glad to wait upon parties requiring verse of any description, and, if the matter is at all urgent, to execute the order on the spot.
Drama Department.Actor-managers before going elsewhere should give us a call. Our plays draw wherever they are presented, even if it is only bricks.
Testimonial.—A manager writes: "The play you kindly supplied, The Blue Bloodhound of Bletchley,[Pg 88] is universally admitted to be unlike anything ever before produced on the stage."
Musical comedies (guaranteed absolutely free from plot) supplied on shortest notice.
Fiction Department.For society dialogues we use the very best duchesses; while a first-class earl's daughter is retained for Court and gala opera.
For our new line of vie intime we employ none but valets and confidential maids, who have to serve an apprenticeship with P.A.P.
The Kailyard Departmentis always up-to-date, and our Mr. Stickit will be pleased to call on any editor on receipt of post-card.
N.B.—We guarantee our Scotch Idyll to be absolutely unintelligible to any English reader, and undertake to refund money if it can be proved that such is not the case.
Our speciality, however, is our Six-Shilling Shocker, as sold for serial purposes. Editors with papers that won't "go" should ask for one of these. When ordering please state general idea required[Pg 90] under one of our recognised sections, as foreign office, police, mounted infantry, cowardice, Rome, &c., &c.
Biography.Any gentleman wishing to have a biography of himself produced in anticipation of his decease should communicate with us.
The work would, of course, be published with a note to the effect that the writing had been a labour of love; that moreover the subject with his usual modesty had been averse from the idea of a biography.
Testimonial.—Sir Sunny Jameson writes: "The Life gives great satisfaction. No reference made, however, to my munificent gift of �50 to the Referees' Hospital. This should be remedied in the next edition. The work, however, has been excellently done. You have made me out to be better than even I ever thought myself."
For love letters,
For the Elizabethan vogue,
For every description of garden meditations,
Give the Quick Grub Street Company a trial.
[Pg 87]
Papa (literary, who has given orders he is not to be disturbed). "Who is it?"
Little Daughter. "Scarcely anybody, dear papa!"
[Pg 89]
The Fair Authoress of "Passionate Pauline," gazing fondly at her own reflection, writes as follows:—
"I look into the glass, reader. What do I see?
"I see a pair of laughing, espi�gle, forget-me-not blue eyes, saucy and defiant; a mutine little rose-bud of a mouth, with its ever-mocking moue; a tiny shell-like ear, trying to play hide-and-seek in a tangled maze of rebellious russet gold; while, from underneath the satin folds of a rose-th� dressing-gown, a dainty foot peeps coyly forth in its exquisitely-pointed gold morocco slipper," &c., &c.
(Vide "Passionate Pauline", by Parbleu.)
[Pg 91]
First Gourmet. "That was Mr. Dobbs I just nodded to."
Second Gourmet. "I know."
First G. "He asked me to dine at his house next Thursday—but I can't. Ever dined at Dobbs's?"
Second G. "No. Never dined. But I've been there to dinner!"
[Pg 92]
Auctioneer. "Lot 52. A genuine Turner. Painted during the artist's lifetime. What offers, gentlemen?"
[Pg 93]
Millionaire (who has been shown into fashionable artist's studio, and has been kept waiting a few minutes). "Shop!"
[Pg 94]
NONSENSE PROVERBSWHAT'S in the pot mustn't be told to the pan.
There's a mouth for every muffin.
A clear soup and no flavour.
As drunk as a daisy.
All rind and no cheese.
Set a beggar on horseback, and he will cheat the livery-stable keeper.
There's a B in every bonnet.
Two-and-six of one and half-a-crown of the other.
The insurance officer dreads a fire.
First catch your heir, then hook him.
Every plum has its pudding.
Short pipes make long smokes.
It's a long lane that has no blackberries.
Wind and weather come together.
A flower in the button-hole is worth two on the bush.
Round robin is a shy bird.
There's a shiny lining to every hat.
The longest dinner will come to an end.[Pg 96]
You must take the pips with the orange.
It's a wise dentist that knows his own teeth.
No rose without a gardener.
Better to marry in May than not to marry at all.
Save sovereigns, spend guineas.
Too many followers spoil the cook. (N.B. This is not nonsense.)
Said at the Academy.—Punch doesn't care who said it. It was extremely rude to call the commission on capital punishments the hanging committee.
The Grammar of Art.—"Art," spell it with a big or little "a", can never come first in any well-educated person's ideas. "I am" must have the place of honour; then "Thou Art!" so apostrophised, comes next.
[Pg 95]
Scrumble. "Been to see the old masters?"
Stippleton (who has married money). "No. Fact is"—(sotto voce)—"I've got quite enough on my hands with the old missus!"
[Pg 97]
[Pg 98]
ARTIST'S VADE MECUMQuestion. Has the anxious parent been to see his child's portrait?
Answer. He has seen it.
Q. Did he approve of it?
A. He will like it better when I have made some slight alterations.
Q. What are they?
A. He would like the attitude of the figure altered, the position of the arms changed, the face turned the other way, the hair and eyes made a different colour, and the expression of the mouth improved.
Q. Did he make any other suggestions?
A. Yes; he wishes to have the child's favourite pony and Newfoundland dog put in, with an indication of the ancestral home in the back-ground.
Q. Is he willing to pay anything extra for these additions?
A. He does not consider it necessary.
Q. Are you well on with your Academy picture?
A. No; but I began the charcoal sketch yesterday.[Pg 100]
Q. Have you secured the handsome model?
A. No; the handsome model has been permanently engaged by the eminent R.A.
Q. Under these circumstances, do you still expect to get finished in time?
A. Yes; I have been at this stage in February for as many years as I can remember, and have generally managed to worry through somehow.
Whenever the "Reduced Prizefighters" take a benefit at a theatre, the play should be The Miller and his Men.
A Nice Man.—Mr. Swiggins was a sot. He was also a sloven. He never had anything neat about him but gin.
[Pg 99]
[Pg 101]
"Hung, Drawn, and Quartered."—(Mr. Punch's sentence on three-fourths of the Academicians' work "on the line.")—Very well "hung"; very ill "drawn"; a great deal better "quartered" than it deserves.
The Spirit of the Age.—Gin.
[Pg 102]
When he magnanimously consents to go on the platform at a conjuring performance, and unwonted objects are produced from his inside pockets.
[Pg 103]
Celebrated Minor Poet. "Ah, hostess, how 'do? Did you get my book I sent you yesterday?"
Hostess. "Delightful! I couldn't sleep till I'd read it!"
[Pg 104]
The Infant Prodigy has reached the middle of an exceedingly difficult pianoforte solo, and one of those dramatic pauses of which the celebrated composer is so fond has occurred. Kindly but undiscerning old Lady. "Play something you know, dearie."
[Pg 105]
Distinguished Foreigner (hero of a hundred duels). "It is delightful, mademoiselle. You English are a sporting nation."
Fair Member. "So glad you are enjoying it. By the way, Monsieur le Marquis, have they introduced fencing into France yet?"
[Pg 106]
Patron. "When are yer goin' to start my wife's picture and mine? 'Cause, when the 'ouse is up we're a goin'——"
Artist. "Oh, I'll get the canvases at once, and——"
Patron (millionaire). "Canvas! 'Ang it!—none o' yer canvas for me! Price is no objec'! I can afford to pay for something better than canvas!!" [Tableau!
[Pg 107]
Amateur Artist (to the carrier). "Did you see my picture safely delivered at the Royal Academy?"
Carrier. "Yessir, and mighty pleased they seemed to be with it—leastways, if one may jedge, sir. They didn't say nothin'—but—lor' how they did laugh!"
[Pg 108]
Artist (who has recommended model to a friend). "Have you been to sit to Mr. Jones yet?"
Model. "Well, I've been to see him; but directly I got into his studio, 'Why,' he said, 'you've got a head like a Botticelli.' I don't know what a Botticelli is, but I didn't go there to be called names, so I come away!"
[Pg 109]
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