Mr. Punch in the Hunting Field by J. A. Hammerton and John Leech (literature books to read .txt) 📗

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some chance of getting at a little corn!"

[Pg 113]

THE RETORT COURTEOUS (A Reminiscence of the past Harrier Season)

Major Topknot, M.H. (to butcher's boy.) "Hi! Hulloah! Have you seen my hare?"

Butcher's Boy. "Ga-a-rn! 'Ave you seen my whiskers?"

[Pg 114]

Disinterested Kindness

Sportsman (just come to grief, to Kindhearted Stranger who has captured horse.) "I say, I'm awfully obliged to you! I can get on all right, so please don't wait!"

Kindhearted Stranger. "Oh, I'd rather, thanks! I want you to flatten the next fence for me!"

Encouraging

Nervous Man (who hires his hunters.) "Know anything about this mare? Ringbone tells me she's as clever as a man!"

Friend. "Clever as a man? Clever as a woman more like it! Seen her play some fine old games with two or three fellows, I can tell you!"

[Pg 115]

NUNC AUT NUNQUAM

Voice from bottom of ditch. "Hold hard a minute! My money has slipped out of my pockets, and it's all down here somewhere!"

[Pg 116]

A REFORMED CHARACTER

John. "Goin' to give up 'untin'! Deary! deary! An' 'ow's that, missie?"

Little Miss Di. "Well, you see, John, I find my cousin Charlie, who is going to be a curate, does not approve of hunting women, so I intend to be a district visitor instead!"

[Pg 117]

MOTTOES; OR, "WHO'S WHO?"

Mrs. Prettyphat. Family Motto—"Medici jussu."

[Pg 118]

Something like a Character

Huntsman (on being introduced to future wife of M.F.H..) "Proud to make your acquaintance, miss! Known the Capting, miss, for nigh on ten seasons, and never saw 'im turn 'is 'ead from hanything as was jumpable! Knows a 'oss and knows a 'ound! Can ride one and 'unt t'other; and if that ain't as much as can be looked for in a 'usband, miss, why, I'll be jiggered!"

A Liberal Allowance

Huntsman (who has just drawn Mr. Van Wyck's coverts blank.) "Rather short of cubs, I'm afraid, sir!"

Mr. Van Wyck (who has very recently acquired his country seat.) "Most extraordinary! Can't understand it at all! Why, I told my keeper to order a dozen only last week!"

[Pg 119]

STORIES WITHOUT WORDS How "the second horseman" went home.

[Pg 120]

Scene—As above. Time—Mid-day. Sport—None up to now.

Stout Party (about to leave.) "Most extr'ordinary thing. Whenever I go home, they always have a rattling good run."

Candid Friend. "Then, for goodness' sake, go home at once!"

[Pg 121]

MOST EXTRAORDINARY

Dismounted Sportsman. "Now, how the deuce did my hat manage to get up there?"

[Pg 122]

Straight

Huntsman (to Boy, who is riding his second horse.) "Hi, there! What the doose are yer doin' of with that second 'oss?"

Boy (Irish, and only just come to the Hunt stables from a Racing Establishment.) "Arrah thin, if oi roides oi roides to win! and divil a second is he goin' to be at all, at all!!"

Forbearance

Member of Hunt (to Farmer.) "I wouldn't ride over those seeds if I were you. They belong to a disagreeable sort of fellow, who might make a fuss about it."

Farmer. "Well, sir, as him's me, he won't say nothing about it to-day."

[Pg 123]

(Extract from a letter received by Mr. Shootall on the morning when hounds were expected to draw his covers)

Leadenhall Market, Thursday.

Sir,—Your esteemed order to hand. We regret that we are quite out of foxes at present; but, as you mentioned they were for children's pets, we thought guinea pigs might do instead, so are sending half a dozen to-day. Hoping, &c., &c.

[Pg 124]

Too Much (Pity the Sorrows of a poor Hunting Man!)

Sportsman (suffering from intense aberration of mind in consequence of the weather, in reply to wife of his bosom.) "Put out? Why, o' course I'm put out. Been just through the village, and hang me if at least half a dozen fools haven't told me that it's nice seasonable weather!"

At the Hunt Ball

Mr. Hardhit. "Don't you think, Miss Highflier, that men look much better in pink—less like waiters?"

Miss Highflier. "Yes, but more like ringmasters—eh?"

[Hardhit isn't a bit offended, but seizes the opportunity.

[Pg 125]

HINTS TO BEGINNERS In mounting your horse, always stand facing his tail.

[Pg 126]

The patent pneumatic tennis-ball hunting costume. Falling a pleasure.

[Pg 127]

Second Whip. "G-aw-ne away!"

Middle-aged Diana. "Go on away, indeed! Impertinence! I'll go just when I'm ready!"

[Pg 128]

A CASE OF REAL DISTRESS

Fox-hunter. "Here's a bore, Jack! The ground is half a foot thick with snow, and it's freezing like mad!"

The Huntsman's Point of View.

One of the best runs of the season.

Good scent all the way.

Sir Heavistone Stogdon unfortunately fell at a stiff bank and broke his collar-bone.

At the last moment, I regret to say, the fox got away.

[Pg 129]

A FOX HUNT (After a tapestry)

[Pg 130]

BUGGLES WITH THE DEVON AND SOMERSET He encounters a "coomb," and wonders if it is soft at the bottom.

[Pg 131]

WITH THE DEVON AND SOMERSET

Sportsman (from the bog.) "Confound you, didn't you say there was a sound bottom here?"

Shepherd. "Zo there be, maister; but thou 'aven't got down to un yet!"

[Pg 132]

BUGGLES WITH THE DEVON AND SOMERSET How he found a "Warrantable Deer."

[Pg 133]

BUGGLES WITH THE DEVON AND SOMERSET In Devonshire.

[Pg 134]

Fools and their Money—

Jones (who has been having a fair bucketing for the last half-hour, as he passes friend, in his mad career.) "I'd give a fiver to get off this brute!"

Friend (brutally.) "Don't chuck your money away, old chap! You'll be off for less than that!"

With the Queen's

Leading Sportsman. "Hold ha—rd! Here's some more of that confounded barbed wire! Dashed if I don't think this country is mainly inhabited by retired fishing-tackle makers!"

[Makes for nearest gate, followed by sympathetic field.

His Opinion

Jenkinson (to M.F.H., who dislikes being bothered.) "What do you think of this horse?" (No answer.) "Bred him myself, you know!"

M.F.H. (looking at horse out of corner of his eye.) "Umph! I thought you couldn't have been such a silly idiot as to have bought him!"

[Pg 135]

THE VOICE OF SPRING Bibulous Binks. "Gad, it's freezing again!"

[Pg 136]

A BLANK—BLANK—DAY

[Pg 137]

WHOSE FAULT? "He can jump, but he won't!"

[Pg 138]

A VIEW HALLOO (Hounds at fault)

Whip (bustling up to young Hodge, who has just begun to wave his cap and sing out lustily.) "Now then, where is he?"

Young H. "Yonder, sir! Acomin' across yonder!"

Whip. "Get out, why there ain't no fox there stoopid!"

Young H. "No, sir; but there be our Billy on his jackass!"

[Pg 139]

Miss Nelly (to her Slave, in the middle of the best thing of the Season.) "Oh, Mr. Rowel, do you mind going back? I dropped my whip at the last fence!"

Severe

M.F.H. (to Youth from neighbouring Hunt, who has been making himself very objectionable.) "Now, look here, young man. I go cub-hunting for the purpose of educating my own puppies. As you belong to another pack, I'll thank you to take yourself home!"

[Pg 140]

HUNTING MEMORANDUM

Appearance of things in general to a gentleman who has just turned a complete somersault!

* &c., &c., represent sparks of divers beautiful colours.

[Pg 141]

"LE SPORTMAN"

"Hi!! Hi!! Stop ze chasse! I tomble—I faloff! Stop ze fox!"

[Pg 142]

"CUBBING EVENTS CAST THEIR SHADOWS"

Half-awakened un-enthusiastic Sportsman (who wished to go out cub-hunting, but has entirely changed his mind, drowsily addressing rather astonished burglar.) "Awright, old boy. Can't come with you this morning. Too sleepy."

[Turns round and resumes deep sleep where he left off.]

[Pg 143]

A BROKEN PLEDGE

Sportsman on bank (to Friend in brook.) "Hallo, Thompson, is that you? Why, I thought you had joined the 'No Drinks in between Meals' Party!"

[Pg 144]

"In the Dim and Distant Future"

First Sportsman (cantering along easily.) "I say, we shall see you at dinner on the nineteenth, shan't we?"

Second Ditto (whose horse is very fresh, and bolting with him.) "If the beast goes on like this—hanged if you'll ever see me again."

THERE'S LIFE IN THE OLD DOG YET

Ex-M.F.H. (eighty-nine and paralytic.) "Fora-a-d! Fora-a-d! Fora-a-a-d!"

[Pg 145]

Huntsman (making a cast for the line of the fox, near a railway.) "Hold hard, please! Don't ride over the line!"

Would-be Thrusters. "Oh, no, we won't. There's a bridge farther on!"

[Pg 146]

"RANK BLASPHEMY"

Squire Oldboy, M.H. (enjoying a long and very slow hunt.) "There she goes! Afraid it's a new hare though."

Bored Sportsman. "How lucky! The other must be getting doosid old."

[Pg 147]

A CHECK

Huntsman. "Seen the fox, my boy?"

Boy. "No, I ain't!"

Huntsman. "Then, what are you hollarin' for?"

Boy (who has been scaring rooks.) "'Cos I'm paid for it!"

[Pg 148]

EASIER SAID THAN DONE

Sixteen-stone Sportsman (who has been nearly put down from a "rotten" landing, to little Bricks, 9st. 2lb.): "Do you mind putting me back in the saddle, sir?"

[Pg 149]

THE TROUBLES OF AN M.F.H.

M.F.H. (to stranger, who is violently gesticulating to hounds.) "When you have done feeding your chickens, sir, perhaps you will allow me to hunt my hounds!"

[Pg 150]

Nobody was near hounds in the big wood when they pulled down the cub except Mr. Tinkler and his inamorata. He rashly volunteers to secure the brush for her!

[Pg 151]

"Morning, Tom. What a beastly day!"

"It ain't a day, sir. I call it an interval between two bloomin' nights!"

[Pg 152]

A BAD LOOK-OUT

Sportsman (to Friend whom he has mounted.) "For goodness' sake, old chap, don't let her put you down! She's certain to savage you!"

[Pg 153]

ECHOES OF THE CHASE

Huntsman (who has been having a very bad ride.) "Either master wants some new 'orses or a new 'untsman!"

[Pg 154]

HINTS ON HUNTING

Always see that your bridle reins are sound. There are times when they have a considerable strain on 'em!