Mr. Punch at the Play: Humours of Music and the Drama by Hammerton and Keene (have you read this book TXT) 📗
- Author: Hammerton and Keene
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Brown. Are you going to stay for The Gory Hand?
Jones. Not I. I am tired of play-acting, and think we have had enough of it.
Robinson. Well, I think I shall look in. I am rather fond of strong scenes, and it should be good, to judge from the programme.
Jones. Well, we will "sit out." It's rather gruesome. Quite different from the other plays.
Robinson. Well, I don't mind horrors—in fact, like them. There goes the bell. So I am off. Wait until I come back.
Brown. That depends how long you are away. Ta, ta!
[Exit Robinson.
Jones. Now, how a fellow can enjoy a piece like that, I cannot understand. It is full of murders, from the rise to the fall of the curtain.
Brown. Yes—but Robinson likes that sort of thing. You will see by-and-by how the plot will affect him. It is rather jumpy, especially at the[Pg 166] end, when the severed head tells the story of the murder to the assistant executioner. I would not see it again on any account.
Jones. No—it sent my maiden aunt in hysterics. However, it has the merit of being short. (Applause.) Ah, there it's over! Let's see how Robinson likes it. That tableau at the end, of the starving-coastguardsman expiring under the rack, is perfectly awful! (Enter Robinson, staggering in.) Why, my boy, what's the matter?
Brown. You do look scared! Have something to drink? That will set it all to-rights!
Robinson (with his eyes protruding from his head, from horror). Help, help! help! (After a long shudder.) Brandy! Brandy!! Brandy!!!
[At all the places at the bar there is a general demand for alcohol.
Brown. Yes. Irving was right; soda-water does very well for Shakspeare's histories, but when you come to a piece like The Bells, you require supporting.
[Curtain and moral.
[Pg 161]
Manager of "Freak" Show. "Have I got a vacancy for a giant? Why, you don't look five feet!"
Candidate. "Yes, that's just it. I'm the smallest giant on record!"
[Pg 163]
Mrs. Blokey (who has called with a letter of introduction on Mr. Roscius Lamborn, the famous actor and manager). "And I've brought you my son, who's breakin' his mother's 'art, Mr. Lamborn! He insists on givin' up the city and goin' on the stage—and his father an alderman and 'im in his father's business, and all the family thought of so 'ighly in Clapham! It's a great grief to us, I assure you, Mr. Lamborn! Oh! if you could only dissuade 'im! But it's too late for that, I'm afraid, so p'raps you wouldn't mind givin' him a leadin' part in your next piece!"
[Pg 165]
His Wife (reading a Sunday paper). "A propos of Hamlet, they say here that you and Shakspeare represent the very opposite poles of the dramatic art!"
He. "Ah! that's a nasty one for Shakspeare!"
[Pg 167]
"Yah! Waitin' ter see der kids play!"
[Pg 168]
Actor (excitedly). "For two long years have I——"
A Voice from above. "So you 'ave, guv'nor!"
[Pg 169]
Of an ancient buck at a modern burlesque
[Pg 170]
(A Memory of St. James's Hall)
Uncle (can't see so well as he did, and a little hard of hearing). "Who do you say they are, my dear!—Christian ministers? 'Ncom'ly kind of 'em to give a concert, to be sure! For a charitable purpose, I've no doubt, my dear!!"
[Pg 171]
Country Maid (having first seen "missus" and the children into a cab). "O, coachman, do you know the principal entrance to Drury Lane Theat——?"
Crabbed Old Cabby (with expression of ineffable contempt). "Do I know! Kim aup——!"
[Pg 172]
Jones (alluding to the song). "Not bad; but I think the girl might have put a little more spirit into it with advantage."
Lushington. "Jush 't I was thinkin'. Lesh avanother!"
[Pg 173]
"What on earth made you tell that appalling little cad that he ought to have trod the boards of ancient Greece! You surely didn't really admire his acting?" "Oh no! But, you know, the Greek actors used to wear masks!"
[Pg 174]
"Jemmy! What's a stall at the hopera?"
"Well, I can't say, not for certain; but I suppose it's where they sells the happles, horanges, ginger-beer, and biskits."
[Pg 175]
"Please, sir! give us your ticket if you aint agoin' in again."
[Pg 176]
[Pg 177]
Young Rustic. "Gran'fa'r, who was Shylock?"
Senior (after a pause). "Lauk a' mussy, bo', yeou goo to Sunday skewl, and don't know that!"
[Pg 178]
"HAMLET" A LA SAUCE DUMB-CRAMBO[Pg 179]
[Pg 180]
Domesticated Wife. "Oh, George, I wish you'd just——" Talented Husband (author of various successful comic songs for music halls, writer of pantomimes and variety-show libretti). "Oh, for goodness sake, Lucy, don't bother me now! You might see I'm trying to work out some quite new lines for the fairy in the transformation scene of the pantomime!"
[Pg 181]
Intelligent Briton. "But we have no theatre, no actors worthy of the name, mademoiselle! Why, the English delivery of blank verse is simply torture to an ear accustomed to hear it given its full beauty and significance by a Bernhardt or a Coquelin!"
Mademoiselle. "Indeed? I have never heard Bernhardt or Coquelin recite English blank verse!"
Intelligent Briton. "Of course not. I mean French blank verse—the blank verse of Corneille, Racine, Moli�re!"
Mademoiselle. "Oh, monsieur, there is no such thing!"
[Briton still tries to look intelligent.
[Pg 182]
DUMB-CRAMBO'S GUIDE TO THE LONDON THEATRES[Pg 183]
[Pg 184]
Extract from Ethel's correspondence:—"At the last moment something went wrong with the curtain, and we had to do without one! It was awful! But the Rector explained matters to the front row, and they came to the rescue nobly!"
[Pg 185]
"Well, how did the new play go off last night?"
"Oh, there was a sleep-walking scene in the third act that was rather effective." "� la Lady Macbeth, eh?"
"Well—not exactly. It was the audience that got up in its sleep and walked out!"
[Pg 187]
[Pg 188]
[Pg 190]
[Pg 187]
Heavy Tragedian. "Do you let apartments to—ah—the profession?" Unsophisticated Landlady. "Oh, yes, sir. Why, last week we had the performing dogs here!"
[Pg 189]
She. "How well your wife plays Lady Geraldine, Mr. Jones. I think the way she puts on that awful affected tone is just splendid. How does she manage it?"
Mr. Jones (with embarrassment). "Er—she doesn't. That's her natural voice."
[Pg 191]
[Pg 192]
BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch at the Play, by Various
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