Malignant Self Love - Samuel Vaknin (i wanna iguana read aloud .TXT) š
- Author: Samuel Vaknin
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noted, though, with narcissists as well.
INVERTED AND OTHER ATYPICAL / PARTIAL (NOS) NARCISSISTS
Inverted Narcissists Talk about Themselves
Competition and (Pathological) Envy
āI have a dynamic that comes up with every single person I get close
to, where I feel extremely competitive toward and envious of the other
person. But I donāt ACT competitive, because at the very outset, I see
myself as the loser in the competition. I would never dream of trying
to beat the other person, because I know deep in my heart that they
would win and I would be utterly humiliated. There are fewer things on
earth that feel worse to me than losing a contest and having the other
person gloat over me, especially if they know how much I cared about
not losing. This is one thing that I actually feel violent about. I
guess I tend to project the grandiosity part of the NPD package onto
the other person rather than on a False Ego of my own. So most of the
time Iām stuck in a state of deep resentment and envy toward her. To
me, sheās always far more intelligent, likable, popular, talented,
self-confident, emotionally developed, morally good, and attractive
than I am. And I really hate her for that, and feel humiliated by it.
So itās incredibly hard for me to feel happy for this person when she
has a success, because Iām overcome with humiliation about myself. This
has ruined many a close relationship. I tend to get this way about one
person at a time, usually the person who is playing the role of āmy
better halfā, best friends or lovers/partners. So itās not like Iām
unable to be happy for anyone, ever, or that I envy every person I
meet. I donāt get obsessed with how rich or beautiful movie stars are
or anything like that. It only gets projected onto this partner-person,
the person Iām depending on the most in terms of supplies (attention,
reassurance, security, building up my self-esteem, etc.)ā¦
ā¦The really destructive thing that happens is, I see her grandiose
traits as giving her the power to have anything and anyone she wants.
So I feel a basic insecurity, because why should she stay with a loser
like me, when sheās obviously so out of my league? So really, what Iām
envious of is the power that all that talent, social ability, beauty,
etc., gives her to have CHOICES - the choice to stay or leave me.
Whereas I am utterly dependent on her. Itās this emotional inequality
that I find so humiliating.ā
āI agree with the inverted narcissist designation - sometimes Iāve
called myself a ācloset narcissistā.
That is, Iāve internalised the value system of grandiosity, but have
not applied the grandiose identity to myself.
I believe I SHOULD BE those grandiose things, but at the same time, I
know Iām not and Iām miserable about it. So people donāt think of me as
having an inflated Ego - and indeed I donāt - but scratch the surface,
and youāll find all these inflated expectations. I mean to say that
perhaps the parents suppressed every manifestation of grandiosity (very
common in early childhood) and of narcissism - so that the defence
mechanism that narcissism is was āinvertedā and internalised in this
unusual form.ā
āMaybe there arenāt two discrete states (NPD vs. āregularā low
self-esteem) - maybe itās more of a continuum. And maybe itās just the
degree and depth of the problem that distinguishes one from the other.
My therapist describes NPD as āthe inability to love oneselfā. As she
defines it, the ānarcissistic woundā is a deep wounding of the sense of
self, the image of oneself. That doesnāt mean that other disorders - or
for that matter, other life stressors - canāt also cause low
self-esteem. But I think NPD IS low self-esteemā¦
Thatās what the disorder is really about - an image of yourself that is
profoundly negative, and the inability to attain a normal and healthy
self-imageā¦ā
āYes, Iām a survivor of child abuse. But remember that not all abuse is
alike. There are different kinds of abuse, and different effects. My
XXXās style of abuse had to do with trying to annihilate me as a
separate person. It also had to do with the need to put all his
negative self-image onto me - to see in me what he hated in himself. So
I got to play the role of the loser that he secretly feared he was. I
was flipped back and forth in those roles - sometimes Iād be a Source
of NS for him, and other times I was the receptacle of all his pain and
rage. Sometimes my successes were used to reflect back on him, to show
off to the rest of the family. Other times, my successes were
threatening to my father, who suddenly feared that I was superior to
him and had to be squelched. I experience emotions that most people I
know donāt feel. Or maybe they do feel them, but to far less extreme
intensity. For example, the envy and comparison/competition I feel
toward others. I guess most of us have experienced rivalry, jealousy,
being compared to others. Most of us have felt envy at anotherās
success. Yet most people I know seem able to overcome those feelings to
some extent, to be able to function normally. In a competition, for
example, they may be driven to do their best so they can win.
For me, the fear of losing and being humiliated is so intense that I
avoid competition completely. I am terrified of showing people that I
care about doing well, because itās so shaming for me if I lose. So I
underachieve and pretend I donāt care. Most people I know may envy
another personās good luck or success, but it doesnāt prevent them from
also being happy for them and supporting them. But for me, when Iām in
a competitive dynamic with someone, I canāt hear about any of their
successes, or compliments theyāve received, etc. I donāt even like to
see the person doing good things, like bringing Thanksgiving leftovers
to the sick old guy next door, because those things make me feel
inferior for not thinking of doing that myself (and not having anyone
in my life that Iād do that for). Itās just so incredibly painful for
me to see evidence of the other personās good qualities, because it
immediately brings up my feeling of inferiority. I canāt even stand to
date someone, who looks really good, because Iām jealous of their good
looks! So this deep and obsessive envy has destroyed my joy in other
people. All the things about other people that I love and take pleasure
in is a double-edged sword because I also hate them for it, for having
those good qualities (while, presumably, I donāt). I donāt know - do
you think this is garden-variety low self-esteem? I know plenty of
people who suffer from lack of confidence, from timidity, social
awkwardness, hatred of their body, feeling unlovable, etc. But they
donāt have this kind of hostile, corrosive resentment of another person
for being all the wonderful things that they canāt be, or arenāt
allowed to be, etc. And one thing I hate is when people are judgemental
of me about how I feel, as though I can help it. Itās like, āYou
shouldnāt be so selfish, you should feel happy for her that sheās
successfulā, etc. They donāt understand that I would love to feel those
things, but I canāt. I canāt stop the incredible pain that explodes in
me when these feelings get triggered, and I often canāt even HIDE the
feelings. Itās just so overwhelming. I feel so damaged sometimes.
Thereās more, but thatās the crux of it for me, anyway.ā
Getting Compliments
āI love getting compliments and rewards, and do not react negatively to
them. In some moods, when my self-hate has gotten triggered, I can
sometimes get to places where Iām inconsolable, because I get stuck in
bitterness and self-pity, and so I doubt the sincerity or the
reliability of the good thing that someone is saying to me (to try to
cheer me up or whatever). But, if Iām in a reasonable mood and someone
offers me something good, Iām all too happy to accept it! I donāt have
a stake in staying miserable.ā
The Partiality of the Condition
āI do agree that itās (atypical or inverted narcissism) not MILDER. But
how I see it is that itās PARTIAL. The part thatās there is just as
destructive as it is in the typical narcissist. But there are parts
missing from that total, full-blown disorder - and I see that as
healthy, actually. I see it as parts of myself that WERENāT infected by
the pathology, that are still intact.
In my case, I did not develop the overweening Ego part of the disorder.
So in a sense, what you have with me is the naked pathology, with no
covering: no suaveness, no charm, no charisma, no confidence, no
persuasiveness, but also no excuses, no lies, no justifications for my
feelings. Just the ugly self-hate, for all to see. And the self-hate
part is just as bad as it is with a full-blown narcissist, so again,
itās not milder.
But because I donāt have the denial part of the disorder, I have a lot
more insight, a lot more motivation to do something about my problems
(i.e., I āself-referā to therapy), and therefore, I think, a lot more
hope of getting better than people whose defence involves totally
denying they even have a problem.ā
āWhen my full-blown XXXās pathological envy would get triggered, he
would respond by putting down the person he was envious of - or by
putting down the accomplishment itself, or whatever good stuff the
other person had. Heād trivialise it, or outright contradict it, or
find some way to convince the other person (often me) that the thing
theyāre feeling good about isnāt real, or isnāt worthwhile, or is
somehow bad, etc. He could do this because the inflated Ego defence was
fully formed and operating with him.
When MY pathological envy gets triggered, I will be bluntly honest
about it. Iāll say something self-pitying, such as: āYou always get the
good stuff, and I get nothingā; āYouāre so much better than Iā; āPeople
like you better - you have good social skills and Iām a jerkā; and so
on. Or I might even get hostile and sarcastic: āWell, it must be nice
to have so many people worshipping you, isnāt it?ā I donāt try to
convince myself that the other personās success isnāt real or
worthwhile, etc. Instead, Iām totally flooded with the pain of feeling
utterly inferior and worthless - and thereās no way for me to convince
myself or anyone else otherwise. Iām not saying that the things I say
are pleasant to hear - and it is still manipulative of me to say them,
because the other personās attention is drawn away from their joy and
onto my pain and hostility. And instead of doubting their successās
worth or reality, they feel guilty about it, or about talking about it,
because it hurts me so much. So from the other personās point of view,
maybe itās not any easier to live with a partial narcissist than with a
full-blown, in that their joys and successes lead to pain in both
cases. Itās certainly not easier for me, being flooded with rage and
pain instead of being able to hide behind a delusion of grandeur. But
from my therapistās point of view, Iām much better off because I know
Iām unhappy - itās in my face all the time.
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