Whose Body? - Dorothy L. Sayers (motivational books to read .TXT) đ
- Author: Dorothy L. Sayers
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âYou would, would you?â said Lord Peter with a grin. âWell, weâve exchanged cases, you know, so just you toddle off and do it. Iâm going to have a jolly time at Wyndhamâs.â
Parker made a grimace.
âWell,â he said, âI donât suppose youâd ever do it, so Iâd better. Youâll never become a professional till you learn to do a little work, Wimsey. How about lunch?â
âIâm invited out,â said Lord Peter, magnificently. âIâll run around and change at the club. Canât feed with Freddy Arbuthnot in these bags; Bunter!â
âYes, my lord.â
âPack up if youâre ready, and come round and wash my face and hands for me at the club.â
âWork here for another two hours, my lord. Canât do with less than thirty minutesâ exposure. The currentâs none too strong.â
âYou see how Iâm bullied by my own man, Parker? Well, I must bear it, I suppose. Ta-ta!â
He whistled his way downstairs.
The conscientious Mr. Parker, with a groan, settled down to a systematic search through Sir Reuben Levyâs papers, with the assistance of a plate of ham sandwiches and a bottle of Bass.
Lord Peter and the Honourable Freddy Arbuthnot, looking together like an advertisement for gentsâ trouserings, strolled into the dining-room at Wyndhamâs.
âHavenât seen you for an age,â said the Honourable Freddy. âWhat have you been doinâ with yourself?â
âOh, foolinâ about,â said Lord Peter, languidly.
âThick or clear, sir?â inquired the waiter of the Honourable Freddy.
âWhichâll you have, Wimsey?â said that gentleman, transferring the burden of selection to his guest. âTheyâre both equally poisonous.â
âWell, clearâs less trouble to lick out of the spoon,â said Lord Peter.
âClear,â said the Honourable Freddy.
âConsommĂ© Polonais,â agreed the waiter. âVery nice, sir.â
Conversation languished until the Honourable Freddy found a bone in the filleted sole, and sent for the head waiter to explain its presence. When this matter had been adjusted Lord Peter found energy to say:
âSorry to hear about your govânor, old man.â
âYes, poor old buffer,â said the Honourable Freddy; âthey say he canât last long now. What? Oh! the Montrachet â08. Thereâs nothing fit to drink in this place,â he added gloomily.
After this deliberate insult to a noble vintage there was a further pause, till Lord Peter said: âHowâs âChange?â
âRotten,â said the Honourable Freddy.
He helped himself gloomily to salmis of game.
âCan I do anything?â asked Lord Peter.
âOh, no, thanksâvery decent of you, but itâll pan out all right in time.â
âThis isnât a bad salmis,â said Lord Peter.
âIâve eaten worse,â admitted his friend.
âWhat about those Argentines?â inquired Lord Peter. âHere, waiter, thereâs a bit of cork in my glass.â
âCork?â cried the Honourable Freddy, with something approaching animation; âyouâll hear about this, waiter. Itâs an amazing thing a fellow whoâs paid to do the job canât manage to take a cork out of a bottle. What you say? Argentines? Gone all to hell. Old Levy bunkinâ off like thatâs knocked the bottom out of the market.â
âYou donât say so,â said Lord Peter. âWhat dâyou suppose has happened to the old man?â
âCursed if I know,â said the Honourable Freddy; âknocked on the head by the bears, I should think.â
âPârâaps heâs gone off on his own,â suggested Lord Peter. âDouble life, you know. Giddy old blighters, some of these City men.â
âOh, no,â said the Honourable Freddy, faintly roused; âno, hang it all, Wimsey, I wouldnât care to say that. Heâs a decent old domestic bird, and his daughterâs a charminâ girl. Besides, heâs straight enoughâheâd do you down fast enough, but he wouldnât let you down. Old Anderson is badly cut up about it.â
âWhoâs Anderson?â
âChap with property out there. He belongs here. He was goinâ to meet Levy on Tuesday. Heâs afraid those railway people will get in now, and then itâll be all U. P.â
âWhoâs runninâ the railway people over here?â inquired Lord Peter.
âYankee blighter, John P. Milligan. Heâs got an option, or says he has. You canât trust these brutes.â
âCanât Anderson hold on?â
âAnderson isnât Levy. Hasnât got the shekels. Besides, heâs only one. Levy covers the groundâhe could boycott Milliganâs beastly railway if he liked. Thatâs where heâs got the pull, you see.â
âBâlieve I met the Milligan man somewhere,â said Lord Peter, thoughtfully. âAinât he a hulking brute with black hair and a beard?â
âYouâre thinkinâ of somebody else,â said the Honourable Freddy. âMilligan donât stand any higher than I do, unless you call five-feet-ten hulkingâand heâs bald, anyway.â
Lord Peter considered this over the Gorgonzola. Then he said: âDidnât know Levy had a charminâ daughter.â
âOh, yes,â said the Honourable Freddy, with an elaborate detachment. âMet her and Mamma last year abroad. Thatâs how I got to know the old man. Heâs been very decent. Let me into this Argentine business on the ground floor, donât you know?â
âWell,â said Lord Peter, âyou might do worse. Moneyâs money, ainât it? And Lady Levy is quite a redeeminâ point. At least, my mother knew her people.â
âOh, sheâs all right,â said the Honourable Freddy, âand the old manâs nothing to be ashamed of nowadays. Heâs self-made, of course, but he donât pretend to be anything else. No side. Toddles off to business on a 96 âbus every morning. âCanât make up my mind to taxis, my boy,â he says. âI had to look at every halfpenny when I was a young man, and I canât get out of the way of it now.â Though, if heâs takinâ his family out, nothingâs too good. Rachelâthatâs the girlâalways laughs at the old manâs little economies.â
âI suppose theyâve sent for Lady Levy,â said Lord Peter.
âI suppose so,â agreed the other. âIâd better pop round and express sympathy or somethinâ, what? Wouldnât look well not to, dâyou think? But itâs deuced awkward. What am I to say?â
âI donât think it matters much what you say,â said Lord Peter, helpfully. âI should ask if you can do anything.â
âThanks,â said the lover, âI will. Energetic young man. Count on me. Always at your service. Ring me up any time of the day or night. Thatâs the line to take, donât you think?â
âThatâs the idea,â said Lord Peter.
Mr. John P. Milligan, the London representative of the great Milligan railroad and shipping company, was dictating code cables to his secretary in an office in Lombard Street, when a card was brought up to him, bearing the simple legend:
LORD PETER WIMSEY
Marlborough Club
Mr. Milligan was annoyed at the interruption, but, like many of his nation, if he had a weak point, it was the British aristocracy. He postponed for a few minutes the elimination from the map of a modest but promising farm, and directed that the visitor should be shown up.
âGood-afternoon,â said that nobleman, ambling genially in, âitâs most uncommonly good of you to let me come round wastinâ your time like this. Iâll try not to be too long about it, though Iâm not awfully good at cominâ to the point. My brother never would let me stand for the county, yâknowâsaid I wandered on so nobodyâd know what I was talkinâ about.â
âPleased to meet you, Lord Wimsey,â said Mr. Milligan. âWonât you take a seat?â
âThanks,â said Lord Peter, âbut Iâm not a peer, you knowâthatâs my brother Denver. My nameâs Peter. Itâs a silly name, I always think, so old-world and full of homely virtue and that sort of thing, but my godfathers and godmothers in my baptism are responsible for that, I suppose, officiallyâwhich is rather hard on them, you know, as they didnât actually choose it. But we always have a Peter, after the third duke, who betrayed five kings somewhere about the Wars of the Roses, though come to think of it, it ainât anything to be proud of. Still, one has to make the best of it.â
Mr. Milligan, thus ingeniously placed at that disadvantage which attends ignorance, manoeuvred for position, and offered his interrupter a Corona Corona.
âThanks, awfully,â said Lord Peter, âthough you really mustnât tempt me to stay here burblinâ all afternoon. By Jove, Mr. Milligan, if you offer people such comfortable chairs and cigars like these, I wonder they donât come anâ live in your office.â He added mentally: âI wish to goodness I could get those long-toed boots off you. Howâs a man to know the size of your feet? And a head like a potato. Itâs enough to make one swear.â
âSay now, Lord Peter,â said Mr. Milligan, âcan I do anything for you?â
âWell, dâyou know,â said Lord Peter, âIâm wonderinâ if you would. Itâs damned cheek to ask you, but fact is, itâs my mother, you know. Wonderful woman, but donât realize what it means, demands on the time of a busy man like you. We donât understand hustle over here, you know, Mr. Milligan.â
âNow donât you mention that,â said Mr. Milligan; âIâd be surely charmed to do anything to oblige the Duchess.â
He felt a momentary qualm as to whether a dukeâs mother were also a duchess, but breathed more freely as Lord Peter went on:
âThanksâthatâs uncommonly good of you. Well, now, itâs like this. My motherâmost energetic, self-sacrificinâ woman, donât you see, is thinkinâ of gettinâ up a sort of a charity bazaar down at Denver this winter, in aid of the church roof, yâknow. Very sad case, Mr. Milliganâfine old antiqueâearly English windows and decorated angel roof, and all thatâall tumblinâ to pieces, rain pourinâ in and so onâvicar catchinâ rheumatism at early service, owinâ to the draught blowinâ in over the altarâyou know the sort of thing. Theyâve got a man down startinâ on itâlittle beggar called Thippsâlives with an aged mother in Batterseaâvulgar little beast, but quite good on angel roofs and things, Iâm told.â
At this point, Lord Peter watched his interlocutor narrowly, but finding that this rigmarole produced in him no reaction more startling than polite interest tinged with faint bewilderment, he abandoned this line of investigation, and proceeded:
âI say, I beg your pardon, frightfullyâIâm afraid Iâm beinâ beastly long-winded. Fact is, my mother is gettinâ up this bazaar, and she thought itâd be an awfully interestinâ side-show to have some lecturesâsort of little talks, yâknowâby eminent business men of all nations. âHow I Did Itâ kind of touch, yâknowââA Drop of Oil with a Kerosene KingâââCash Conscience and Cocoaâ and so on. It would interest people down there no end. You see, all my motherâs friends will be there, and weâve none of us any moneyânot what youâd call money, I meanâI expect our incomes wouldnât pay your telephone calls, would they?âbut we like awfully to hear about the people who can make money. Gives us a sort of uplifted feelinâ, donât you know. Well, anyway, I mean, my motherâd be frightfully pleased and grateful to you, Mr. Milligan, if youâd come down and give us a few words as a representative American. It neednât take more than ten minutes or so, yâknow, because the local people canât understand much beyond shootinâ and huntinâ, and my motherâs crowd canât keep their minds on anythinâ more than ten minutes together, but weâd really appreciate it very much if youâd come and stay a day or two and just give us a little breezy word on the almighty dollar.â
âWhy, yes,â said Mr. Milligan, âIâd like to, Lord Peter. Itâs kind of the Duchess to suggest it. Itâs a very sad thing when these fine old antiques begin to wear out. Iâll come with great pleasure. And perhaps youâd be kind enough to accept a little donation to the Restoration Fund.â
This unexpected development nearly brought Lord Peter up all standing. To pump, by means of an ingenious lie, a hospitable gentleman whom you are inclined to suspect of
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