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in an instant everything changed. Suddenly, the air was very tense, Veronica was not laughing anymore and her father was dead serious. But he didn’t interfere though, he got up and headed outside leaving me and Veronica alone.

I looked at her, but she didn’t look at me, not even a peek for that matter. Her head was turned to the other side; from that moment I knew I already lost her. I tried to explain myself to her. Somehow I found it hard to let her go. I didn’t want to lose her just yet. I guess I was desperate and forgot the whole reason she was lying in that bed. Or maybe because I lost too many things already and I didn’t want her to hate me like everybody else.

I got closer to her but she seemed like she was getting extremely uncomfortable. She didn’t even want me to get close to her.

“Vera, it’s me Steven, please,” I pleaded, hoping she would hear the honesty in my voice and that she would understand,

But she didn’t move, and she just kept gazing on the other side of the room. I attempted to move closer again, hoping she wouldn’t freak out again but it made things even worse.

“Don’t come any closer.” She screeched, there was so much anger in her voice and so much hate that it made me whimper.

“Vera, please. I’m begging you. You know I can never hurt you, just give me a chance to explain.” I tried to sound as honest as I could at least so that she would listen to me. But the monitor started to beep rapidly which meant her heart rate was increasing. I couldn’t understand and suddenly she flipped her head on my direction, so quickly that I hardly saw it.

“Get out!” she screamed so loud that I was sure everybody heard it. I was shocked, I couldn’t move which just added another scream,

“Get out, now.” She added. I stumbled back, not because of the scream but because of the look on her face. It looked deadly and ferocious as if, if she could she could’ve gotten out of the bed and rip my head off. There was this rage that I’d never seen in her or anyone before. Suddenly, her father came in and grabbed my arm. I just followed because I was still in shock and my body was numb. Before I could even get out of the shock her father hit me with another surprise,

“Stay away from my daughter and my family. You won’t contact her or look for her. If I hear you get eve ten feet close to her, I swear to god,” he stopped and glared at me with the same anger as his daughter, “you are a monster Steven. This is the last time you’ll see her.” He finished and went back inside to sooth his daughter, who was crying now.

I was rejected before but not like this. It was the most painful thing I ever experienced. Suddenly, the whole world went blurry and I could hardly feel my feet under me. People were talking around me but I couldn’t hear anything. It wasn’t winter yet but my body was cold to the bones. I walked numbly to the parking lot to get my car, I found it and got in and for couple minutes I couldn’t do anything.

For, that was the very last piece of me. I couldn’t help it anymore, I cried that day, and I cried and cried, which felt like forever. After that I started my car to go back and pick up Ashley from school. While I was on my way there I started to remember what Veronica father told me. And I started to think maybe he was right. Maybe I was a monster. Perhaps I had everything to do with what happened to all those people. But how? Couldn’t find an answer.

I was hurting and confused; all I ever wanted was to have a simple normal life. But with each passing day I seemed to drift far from it. And the last part of it I just lost in that hospital. I was never going to get the luxury of falling in love ever again. Not if I was going to lose them right away.

Couldn’t make friends either. Was I really meant to live alone! But I was never a big fan of being alone. Weirdly, now that was the only option left for me. And about Ashley and my mother, someday I would go to college or get a job and eventually I was going to live on my own house. My thoughts were cut short when I approached school.

I had to put on a happy face for Ashley because I knew she would be heartbroken as I was. If she was to find out about what happened at the hospital. When I got there, she was standing with the blond girl. I couldn’t believe she was luring her way into my life through my sister. Out of the blue I couldn’t hide my anger, and I knew getting out of the car would be a bad idea.

Automatically, Ashley knew just by looking at me. She said goodbye to her and came to the car. I didn’t speak or look at her, I just took off, and for a while we were quiet. By the way she was sitting I could tell that she was pretty worried. She never pissed me off very often, not like the way I did her anyway. But when she got me like seriously pissed, she always got worried. And with that reaction I was left with no choice but to calm down.

“Ash……” I was cut off by her,

“I’m sorry, I thought I could help.” She mumbled, her head pointed to her lap.

“I know that, and I would’ve loved to be her friend too,” she cut me off again,

“Then, why don’t you?” she asked agitated,

“Ash, you know why. I’m tired of losing everyone I care about.” I couldn’t continue because memories of the hospital came rushing in.

“What happened?” she asked warily, the exact thing I was afraid.

“Nothing, she is doing fine now.” I mumbled, which just raised her suspicions even more.

“Steven, I know you are not telling me everything, so spit it out.” Her expression completely changed now, she was angry and demanding; she does that sometimes.

I was left with no choice, “She doesn’t want to see me ever again. And what’s worse, she hates me now.” I said unable to hide the pain I was feeling inside because the mere thought of her hating me was making me want to disappear.

“I’m so sorry. I know it’s painful, but if she thinks you have anything to do with it. Then, she doesn’t know you very well, and she never did,” then she stopped for a while as if she was searching for her next words, “I know I’m probably nothing to you, I mean apart from being your sister, but,” I cut her off before she could continue because that wasn’t true,

“Wait a second, you are not just my sister Ash; you are also my only best friend left in this wicked and torturous world of mine. Remember that.” I stretched my hand and caressed her cheek which was now wet with tears,

“I am!” she exclaimed in amazement.

“Yes, you are.” I said softly and slowly her face was changed to a beautiful smile, “there you go,” I told her proudly after that, I didn’t want both of us to be on a mess of crying. I was glad when she stopped.

“Anyways, what I wanted to say was that, I‘ll never judge you or doubt you. I’m always on your side, big brother. And you, should remember that.” She sounded like she was teasing but her face was serious.

“Thanks Ash, that means a lot.” I said and at least I finally felt at ease, because I knew Ashley always kept her words and if she said that she was never going to change her mind, that’s how it will be. With that I didn’t feel so alone anymore. It was a relief and a gift to have a sister like her, because I didn’t know what my world would’ve been without her.

We arrived at home and I acted as if everything was perfect. So that mom wouldn’t notice something was wrong with me. But today was hard, I wanted to tell her everything and let her embrace me; and her tell me everything was going to be alright. But what happened to me wasn’t a simple thing, not something she could just let go. When it first happened I told her and the next day she was at school yelling at the principal for letting other students harass me. That was back in middle school when it happened, so I decided from that day not to tell her anything.

Dinner was silent and mom was the one asking few questions about school. Which were answered shortly, and the rest of dinner was silence. After that, I went to my room and Ashley was right behind me.

“Hey, are you okay? You were acting a little bit weird back there.” She asked after following me inside my room.

“I wanted to tell her. I wanted it so bad, and I almost told her. Because I’m so tired of keeping it inside.” I complained and it was written all over my face that I was suffering.

She came by my side and sat beside me; she pulled my head and stretched her arms to hug me, “I think you forgot what I told you, I’m always here for you,” she whispered in my ear. She might have been younger than me, but she had the personality of a thirty years woman and sometimes I appreciated that.

“Thanks Ash,” I whispered back, and then I pulled myself back and pecked her on her cheeks, “good night, I feel exhausted.”

She didn’t respond for a second, then quickly as if from shock, “Good night.” She mumbled,

I lied myself on bed and as I was trying to cover myself she stopped me, “just sleep, I got this.” She pulled my covers over me and covered my body, “goodnight Steven.” She said quietly,

My younger sister tucking me in bed, surreal, I know. But that’s how messed up I was. Considering my condition it didn’t take five seconds for me to fall asleep. Without any nightmares and for that I enjoyed and I was thankful. Because out of all the days that was the one day that I was certain that I was going to have a major nightmare to keep me up for a whole week. But I guess I was wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER 10;

 

 

Beep, beep, beep that was a signal that it was already morning. I had to wake up to face my real life nightmare once again, for another day. Honestly, at this point living was a burden to me. Every breath I drew was a reminder of my suffering and of all the losses I got. Physical torture is much better than what I was feeling because I was suffering emotionally. Nobody hit me or anything but I felt like I’d been tortured for years.

The pain I could never heal

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