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CHAPTER 14;

 

 

Maybe my past wouldā€™ve helped if I didnā€™t suck my parentsā€™ lives as well. I mean if they died in a car accident or whatever, why was I the only one who survived? Why did I deserve to live more than them? Why did I deserve to live more than anyone else, more than all those people who died because of me? Maybe I guess, I always went to that same question, why me?

I practically jumped when I heard a loud piano sound coming from downstairs. And that was angry Ashley playing piano. I found the book on my chest because I read while I was lying in bed. My thoughts made me drift from the book and focus on other things, the things I could never understand.

It was a signal that I should go to my paintings, mom bought me a whole bunch of stuff when she found out I loved painting. But it was different with Ashley playing the piano, mom loved music especially the classic ones and she bought the piano even before Ashley and I were born, she said.

She knew playing the piano very well, she even played for us when were little. Since I was already into painting mom didnā€™t bother teaching to play piano. Ashley on the other hand wasnā€™t interested with anything, and sport she started in recent years. So back then mom decided to teach her to play piano and as expected she learned fast and became almost as great as mom. But all that knowledge was for herself since she never wanted to make piano playing her carrier and mom didnā€™t recommend it either.

If things didnā€™t get nasty between us I wouldā€™ve been there with her trying to be an overjoyed audience excited to hear her play. But things werenā€™t the same between us, but then again neither was my life. I didnā€™t know how many more changes were going to occur in my life, as I already felt like I went through enough in couple of years. In short I just wanted it to be over. But I had a feeling this word over was far from whatever or whoever was doing all those stuffs to me.

My workshop was in the garage because our garage was big I managed to cut a part for my paintings and stuff. But today there was no idea coming in my head, it was blank. I tried to come up with something, anything at all and there was nothing. I didnā€™t want this to on my lost things too. So I forced myself to draw a simple face portrait, but it came out awful so I trashed it. What strange was that this never happened to me before! I always managed to paint something, whether it was a portrait or descriptive paint. But today nothing came up.

Ashley stopped a long time before I did. It wasnā€™t like I was doing anything important anyway. I found myself thrashing paint on the canvas and smudge them together. I didnā€™t really know what I was doing, if someone couldā€™ve read my mind, and that paint looked exactly like my mind inside. Because it was a combination of ideas and questions and confusions scrambled together piled up in a big mess.

Finally I stopped and that was about two hours and a half since I started. The canvas and the apron I was wearing had no difference, they were all covered in paint. I didnā€™t care though I just took it off and stomped out of the garage with a gruff expression which I couldnā€™t conceal. But it was turned into something else, at first it was a surprise and shock and disbelief and then rage.

Guess who was at my house on this boring and super annoying day; Blondie! I didnā€™t know how she found out where I lived, but I guess I had couple ideas considering the way Ashley was talking to her. She was my first suspect. I was glad I wore some casual t shirt and shorts before I went to the garage or I wouldā€™ve been a laughing stock.

There was pizza box on the table and a take away package assuming it was for me. I couldnā€™t believe Ashley invited her home and worse, made her bring those food at home. She knew mom preferred us to cook for ourselves than those packaged food, and if she wanted to buy. Why her? Even if she didnā€™t want delivery she could just ask me to get it for her. Her mind was always skeptical, that was what she felt like doing and thatā€™s what she did, and I assumed to spite me.

ā€œHi.ā€ Blondie greeted cheerfully, ā€œlook what I brought you.ā€ She held up the take away package, ā€œyou will love it. Itā€™s the best in town.ā€ I wouldā€™ve refused it but I was hungry and the breakfast I had didnā€™t last long in my stomach. Before I could accept it I had to ask,

ā€œWhat are you doing here?ā€ if I could, I couldā€™ve spit fire out my mouth. Just how much she got in my nerves.

Who told her she could nose her way into every part of my life? First school, then my secret and my sister and then my home. What was she going to leech herself in next? My room? Or my closet?

ā€œI invited her.ā€ Ashley answered before she could, ā€œand she kindly brought us all this food, and thank god because I was super hungry.ā€ She picked up a piece of pizza and took a bite, then she continued, ā€œplease sit and eat with us.ā€

Look at that! She just begged me after refusing to talk to me. To show that I wasnā€™t holding any grudge I accepted just for her sake, so that if this was my ticket to forgiveness I wouldnā€™t blow it. I sat down on the carpet just like them around the small living room table, and watched some stupid comedy TV show which they seemed to enjoy with their time to time questions, asking each other.

The ones that took my attention were about her life, the blonde girl. I came to find out her name was Lexi and that her father was transferred to town with some real estate company, thatā€™s why she was in town. She also had a brother who came with them because he was working with his father. I didnā€™t hear anything about her mother though and I didnā€™t bother asking. And thatā€™s about it. I almost asked her what she wanted with me. Why was she trying so hard to ruin her life or even lose it by trying to get close to us, to me? But I knew the sooner Ashley attitude changed towards me the better, so I didnā€™t want to ruin the good time she was having with her.

Soon after I was full, I found an excuse and headed to my room, where I stayed until I made sure that girl, Lexi left. What Ashley did was wrong, she shouldā€™ve never invited her to our house. I never wanted the girl to have any ideas that she could actually get something from me because I wasnā€™t ready to offer friendship or anything for that matter.

After a couple of hours later when I was done with my schools homework, which I didnā€™t feel like doing at all but had to, to pass time I sensed something different. The house was unusually quiet like the girl already left. I couldnā€™t hear the muffled sounds anymore.

That was the perfect time to confront Ashley even though I knew she was still angry with me, because her more than anyone else shouldā€™ve known how much danger that girl was putting herself in. She might have thought that she was actually helping me, but in reality she was making it even more complicated.

I found her at the kitchen making dinner, without me. Thatā€™s not how it used to be, she was supposed to call me first because we always made dinner together, but I guess thatā€™s changed too. And I didnā€™t say a thing about it.

ā€œShe already left.ā€ I mumbled, I was surprised she heard, though.

ā€œShe insisted that I donā€™t bother you since you werenā€™t very pleased with her being here anyway.ā€ She said curtly, ā€œsometimes you are such a jerk.ā€ She mumbled, I wouldā€™ve said something but that thing inside of me opposed and I knew she was right.

ā€œWhat are you doing?ā€ I pushed all those other thoughts aside because I had a good reason to act the way I did.

ā€œIā€™m preparing dinner!ā€ but thatā€™s not what I meant.

ā€œWhat are you doing with that girl? What were you thinking by calling her here? Ashley you know nobody is safe around me, I canā€™t.ā€ I couldnā€™t finish talking.

ā€œNothing has touched me or mom, plus Veronica didnā€™t die, maybe it is over.ā€ She said confidently, isnā€™t that funny even though she was angry with me she still tried to do things for me.

ā€œYes, you and mom are safe somehow, but everyone else isnā€™t. Veronica didnā€™t die but she didnā€™t want me either. Besides you canā€™t be sure itā€™s over yet.ā€

ā€œYes, because you are too afraid. Steven you canā€™t let yourself live in isolation. I say you keep trying, so donā€™t waste the opportunity with Lexi.ā€ She stood there like a true believer her eyes peering through me waiting for a yes, which I couldnā€™t give.

If I said I wouldnā€™t she was going to be disappointed but if I said I would then I would be lying to myself, because I never wanted to try such thing. I didnā€™t want to use an innocent girlā€™s life as bait, for insurance of my messed up life. As a test if I could really start dating again or live a normal life. If it was over as Ashley said.

I stood there for couple seconds deciding which answer wasnā€™t worse than the other. Telling her the truth that I wouldnā€™t dare putting that girl in danger would be pretty bad, for my sake. But telling her that I would to please her was also pretty bad too, because she would find out I lied as she always have and it would end badly as well. And option C was not to say anything and that sounded like a better option. I sighed and left the kitchen and went to the garden outside.

ā€œThatā€™s it! You wonā€™t say anything.ā€ She asked irritated.

I didnā€™t add a word, I just ignored her and got out. Our garden was in the backyard, I always liked to sit on the grass and watch the sunset. So I lied there watching the clear blue sky and scattered orange-ish clouds because of the effect of the sun set. And for the first time in a long time I felt relaxed and not tormented with my misfortunes.

After a while Ashley came assuming she was done with making dinner and she lied next to me and put her head on my chest. She wasnā€™t mad at me anymore, and I shouldā€™ve known.

ā€œIā€™m sorry.ā€ She murmured,

ā€œItā€™s okay. I know you were looking out for me, I should thank you.ā€ I rubbed my hand behind her back as an approval. Even though what she did was a wrong approach, still she was just trying to help. I wanted to ask her why she gave the silent treatment that whole time, but I realized it wasnā€™t important anymore. Whatā€™s important was that we were okay again, and that was enough.

But then again the question remained, whether I should tell her or

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