Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody by Fanny Merkin (reading an ebook .TXT) 📗

“So I should be shocked that you like to do bad stuff to women? Do you sexually abuse them against their will? That would be really shocking.”

“No, that’s not it at all. I mean, they’re into it. I only do it if they like it. Sometimes they’re more into it than I am, to be honest.”

“But you really injure them? That’s why it’s shocking?”

“No. They’re fine. Some mild redness occurs on their bottoms, but that fades in a few hours.”

“I’m not following,” I say. “Why am I supposed to be shocked?”

“Anna, if you’re game, then why are we tiptoeing around the issue?”

“I don’t know,” I say. “I’ve been DTF since we first met.”

“Then, without further ado . . .” He sweeps the food off the table, just for dramatic emphasis. He pulls a bugle out of his bathrobe, sounds a long note, and clears his throat. “Let the fucking begin!”

Chapter Eight

AT ONCE, Earl Grey’s mouth is upon me. His arms crawl up the back of my robe as his tongue penetrates my lips. Our mouths create an airtight seal, and our tongues battle it out for supremacy. His is the more dominant tongue; I let my tongue go limp and submit fully to Earl Grey. For the first time in my life, I have found my purpose: to be a doormat for this ridiculously wealthy, attractive, impossible-to-resist man.

Suddenly, he withdraws his tongue and releases me from his grasp.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

He narrows his eyes. “Perhaps we shouldn’t have started kissing so soon after eating. Your mouth tastes like you ate an entire garlic bulb.”

“That’s because I did,” I say.

He sighs. “Go brush your teeth. I’ll wait here.”

I lower my gaze and walk to the bathroom. I close the door. There’s only one toothbrush on the sink, and it belongs to Earl Grey. I pick it up and run the bristles over my lips. It’s like a six-inch piece of Earl. I slide the toothbrush into my mouth and, angling my head and neck, slowly ease it down my throat. Mmmmm . . . I can’t wait to deep throat Earl’s—

“Hurry up, woman,” he says from the next room, startling me. I drop the toothbrush straight down my throat. I’m such an idiot! My inner guidette rolls her eyes. The toothbrush is caught in my esophagus; I can’t breathe. I clutch my throat and try coughing, but it’s no use. My body crumples to the floor . . .

“What is going on in there, Anna?” Earl says with concern in his voice.

I try to call out, but nothing comes out of my mouth except drool.

The door swings open, and Earl Grey stands above me. Earl Grey, my savior!

“My God, Anna, what are you doing on the floor?”

I motion to my throat with both hands. Earl, immediately sensing the gravitas of the situation, props me into a sitting position. He kneels behind me and wraps his arms around me. He attempts the Heimlich maneuver, but it’s no use. I’m fading into unconsciousness quickly . . .

Earl lays me on my back and tilts my head back. “I can’t lose you, Anna,” he says. “I can’t!”

He pushes his long fingers into my mouth. I feel them creeping down my throat. He carefully backs his fingers out, holding the toothbrush between his impossibly long index and middle fingers. I breathe again, and it’s the sweetest breath I’ve ever taken. Air is like cable TV: you don’t appreciate it until you don’t have it.

“Thank you,” I say to Earl. If his fingers weren’t so freakishly long, I would be dead right now.

“I don’t know what I would do without you, Anna,” he says. It’s an emotional moment, and we both pause to gaze at each other. Is he going to kiss me again?

Earl stands up and helps me to my feet, for the second time in two days. Or the third time. I’m losing track of how often he saves me from myself.

“Now brush your teeth,” he says. “That garlic is really quite overpowering.”

I nod. He closes the door on his way out of the bathroom. No playing around now. Just brush your teeth, go out there, and ride his D to O-Town, my inner guidette says. You got this, babe!

I squeeze out a dollop of mint toothpaste onto Earl Grey’s toothbrush and begin polishing my teeth. The faster you do this, the sooner you can lose your virginity to Earl Grey. Mmmmm . . . Earl Grey . . . The more I think about him, the more the toothbrush becomes him, and I swear I don’t know how it happens but thirty seconds later I’m on the floor, choking again.

I’m lying on my back on the bed, the same position I started the morning in. The big difference is that Earl Grey is now hovering over me. Well, not literally hovering, because that would mean we’re in zero gravity or that Earl can levitate, but you get the idea. He’s, like, on top of me. We’re both in our robes still. He has just saved me from choking twice in the span of three minutes. My breath still reeks of garlic.

“I’ve been waiting for this moment forever,” he says.

“We just met last week,” I say. “How can that be?”

“You take everything so literally, Anna. I love that about you.”

“So you haven’t been waiting for this moment forever?”

He laughs that wicked Earl Grey laugh. “Oh, Anna . . .”

Earl unties the cloth belt holding my robe together. I shudder. Oh my . . . We’re really going to do this. He slowly opens my robe, exposing my pale skin to the air. He runs the back of his fingers down the length of my body from my neck to my untrimmed thigh hair. He smiles at me, though he smiles most of the time. Maybe I should just start mentioning when he’s not smiling? That would be easier.

“I’ve never done this before,” I