Short Fiction - P. G. Wodehouse (top ten ebook reader txt) 📗

Let us marshal the facts.

In the first place it was a perfectly ripping morning.

Moreover he had received at breakfast a letter from the editor of a monthly magazine accepting a short story.

This had never happened to him before.

He was twenty-two.

And, just as he rounded the angle of the house, he came upon Violet, taking the air like himself.

Violet was one of the housemaids, a trim, energetic little person with round blue eyes and a friendly smile. She smiled at James now. James halted.

“Good morning, sir,” said Violet.

From my list of contributory causes I find that I have omitted one item⁠—viz., that there did not appear to be anybody else about.

James looked meditatively at Violet. Violet looked smilingly at James. The morning was just as ripping as it had been a moment before. James was still twenty-two. And the editor’s letter had not ceased to crackle in his breast-pocket.

Consequently James stooped, and⁠—in a purely brotherly way⁠—kissed Violet.

This, of course, was wrong. It was no part of James’s duties as assistant-master at Harrow House to wander about bestowing brotherly kisses on housemaids. On the other hand, there was no great harm done. In the circles in which Violet moved the kiss was equivalent to the handshake of loftier society. Everybody who came to the back door kissed Violet. The carrier did; so did the grocer, the baker, the butcher, the gardener, the postman, the policeman, and the fishmonger. They were men of widely differing views on most points. On religion, politics, and the prospects of the entrants for the three o’clock race their opinions clashed. But in one respect they were unanimous. Whenever they came to the back door of Harrow House they all kissed Violet.

“I’ve had a story accepted by the Universal Magazine,” said James, casually.

“Have you, sir?” said Violet.

“It’s a pretty good magazine. I shall probably do a great deal for it from time to time. The editor seems a decent chap.”

“Does he, sir?”

“I shan’t tie myself up in any way, of course, unless I get very good terms. But I shall certainly let him see a good lot of my stuff. Jolly morning, isn’t it?”

He strolled on; and Violet, having sniffed the air for a few more minutes with her tip-tilted nose, went indoors to attend to her work.

Five minutes later James, back in the atmosphere of chalk, was writing on the blackboard certain sentences for his class to turn into Latin prose. A somewhat topical note ran through them. As thus:

“The uncle of Balbus wished him to tend sheep in the Colonies (Provincia).”

“Balbus said that England was good enough for him (placeo).”

“Balbus sent a story (versus) to Maecenas, who replied that he hoped to use it in due course.”

His mind floated away from the classroom when a shrill voice brought him back.

“Sir, please, sir, what does ‘due course’ mean?”

James reflected. “Alter it to ‘immediately,’ ” he said.

“Balbus is a great man,” he wrote on the blackboard.

Two minutes later he was in the office of an important magazine, and there was a look of relief on the editor’s face, for James had practically promised to do a series of twelve short stories for him.

It has been well observed that when a writer has a story rejected he should send that story to another editor, but that when he has one accepted he should send another story to that editor. Acting on this excellent plan, James, being off duty for an hour after tea, smoked a pipe in his bedroom and settled down to work on a second effort for the Universal.

He was getting on rather well when his flow of ideas was broken by a knock on the door.

“Come in,” yelled James. (Your author is notoriously irritable.)

The newcomer was Adolf. Adolf was one of that numerous band of Swiss and German youths who come to this country prepared to give their services ridiculously cheap in exchange for the opportunity of learning the English language. Mr. Blatherwick held the view that for a private school a male front-door opener was superior to a female, arguing that the parents of prospective pupils would be impressed by the sight of a man in livery. He would have liked something a bit more imposing than Adolf, but the latter was the showiest thing that could be got for the money, so he made the best of it, and engaged him. After all, an astigmatic parent, seeing Adolf in a dim light, might be impressed by him. You never could tell.

“Well?” said James, glaring.

“Anysing vrom dze fillage, sare?”

The bulk of Adolf’s perquisites consisted of the tips he received for going to the general store down the road for tobacco, stamps, and so on. “No. Get out,” growled James, turning to his work.

He was surprised to find that Adolf, so far from getting out, came in and shut the door.

“Zst!” said Adolf, with a finger on his lips.

James stared.

“In dze garten zis morning,” proceeded his visitor, grinning like a gargoyle, “I did zee you giss Violed. Zo!”

James’s heart missed a beat. Considered purely as a situation, his present position was not ideal. He had to work hard, and there was not much money attached to the job. But it was what the situation stood for that counted. It was his little rock of safety in the midst of a surging ocean of West Australian sheep. Once let him lose his grip on it, and there was no chance for him. He would be swept away beyond hope of return.

“What do you mean?” he said hoarsely.

“In dze garten. I you vrom a window did zee. You und Violed. Zo!” And Adolf, in the worst taste, gave a realistic imitation of the scene, himself sustaining the role of James.

James said nothing. The whole world seemed to be filled with a vast baaing, as of countless flocks.

“Lizzun!” said Adolf. “Berhaps I Herr Blazzervig dell. Berhaps not I do. Zo!”

James roused himself. At all costs he must placate