A Closed Heart by Oster, Camille (guided reading books TXT) 📗

“No, they were lovely men, but they offered a very domestic life.”

“Domestic?” he repeated, clearly confused.

“I’m an artist. From the moment I wake up in the morning to my very dreams. It’s not an ambition I can put to side for children and a husband.”

“So you’ve chosen to go through life without the support of a husband?” he asked, still sounding utterly confused.

“I am an artist. My life is inherently unconventional.”

“What does that mean?” he said pointedly.

"I’m saying I have not totally cut myself off from love, but I will not marry.”

"You would take lovers? Have you had lovers?” Brutally direct questions that were much too familiar for their acquaintance, but she also strongly believed in not hiding the truth about herself.

“Yes. In a manner,” she answered. The truth was that she wasn’t chaste. There had been two instances where she had... given of herself. Once, the first, with a man she cared about that had been in the throes of grief. It had just happened, and she hadn’t regretted it. The other, there had been wine and an impossibly charming man, an artist she respected. Spanish, with the most wonderful eyes and a manner that had made her feel safe and wanted.

It wasn’t as if she was a woman who had lovers. There were women like that, actresses mostly, who were utterly unapologetic of their lives, going from one lover to the next. Jane didn’t judge them for how they chose to live their lives. However, a relationship wasn’t something she’d been involved in, her entanglements had been no more than that, but perhaps one day an entanglement would be of a more substantive kind—one where love developed beyond mere respect and caring. That had yet to happen.

Revealing this would probably have him think worse of her. A fallen woman. Maybe even below contempt, but it was the truth—the truth of her unconventional life. She was not some spinster who guarded her virginity like a treasure that designated her worth. That was not the life she lived. Relationships and love were not contracts. Perhaps her commission would end now.

Chapter 11

WHAT JANE BRIGHTLY HAD meant when she’d said her life was unconventional was that she had lovers. The implied statement had taken him by surprise, because he’d been viewing her through a more conventional light. He saw now that he’d assumed her position had simply been being prideful after being unfortunate, but that wasn’t the case.

As she’d stated, she had had offers, and had had lovers.

Immediately, a part of him tarred her with the same inconsistency as his wife, but she had made no pledges. Had chosen not to marry. Not only that, but she admitted it. Clearly there could be no notion of respectability about her. She was a tarred woman.

On another level, he supposed it showed true commitment to her course, because there could be no going back for her. This must all have happened after her season. She’d chosen to live a life outside of society. It was a considerable gamble.

Some would refuse to have her paint them if they knew this about her. Did Eliza know about this? He wasn’t sure, but he knew that Eliza wasn’t concerned enough about respectability that she would refuse association with this woman based on the fact that she was sullied.

Their session had ended and Julius had taken himself back to the house, while she’d stayed.

In light of this, it was his right to have her things packed and her removed from the house. Many would urge him to.

Did he honestly care? His answer was confusion. On one hand, society and its conventions were important. Saying that, he wasn’t a man who saw women through their chasteness. In fact, he didn’t personally see the encompassing virtue of being chaste. It wasn’t the crux of a woman’s character. Respectability was a reflection of acceptance and adherence to society’s rules, and the society would be chaos without it.

Jane Brightly, however, had chosen to live outside of society’s rules. She’d plainly stated so, and had conveyed clearly that it had been a considered decision.

Even so, he wasn’t sure that made her entirely exempt from having to live by the rules, but she hadn’t made any oaths that she’d broken, so it wasn’t as if she’d betrayed her own words like his wife had.

Still, this made her life even more precarious. A respectable marriage wasn’t a possibility for her. If she failed in her pursuits, there was nothing to fall back upon. Working as a governess or companion was out of the question for her, which were acceptable occupations for higher born women who’d fallen on hard times. There was no societal safety net for Jane Brightly. Her commitment was complete, and she lived entirely outside of society.

There were many who said they did, and flouted the rules, but at the heart, it was hot air. Eccentricity was allowed for people who had the means to support it. It wasn’t allowed for those who didn’t, so flouting the rules when there was no consequence wasn’t flouting anything at all.

The amber liquid glowed with reflected light and he swirled it slowly around the glass. Supper would be ready soon, but it seemed Jane Brightly preferred not to dine with him. Not that he mourned the loss. It was awkward being in her company. And really, the hours they spent together were enough in a day.

“Supper is ready, if you wish to come into the dining room,” Mr. Fuller said in his typical soft voice.

“Is Miss Brightly dining in her room again?”

“I believe she is working.”

Miss Brightly seemed to work a great deal, or was this simply a means of avoiding him? It didn’t matter. Not dining together was perfectly acceptable to both of them. “She does like to work.”

“A passion as much