Psmith, Journalist - P. G. Wodehouse (i am reading a book TXT) 📗

“If Comrade Maloney,” he said, “is going to take to singing as well as whistling, I fear this journal must put up its shutters. Concentrated thought will be out of the question.”

A second squeal rent the air. Billy Windsor jumped up.

“Somebody must be hurting the kid,” he exclaimed.

He hurried to the door and flung it open. Psmith followed at a more leisurely pace. The seedy man, caught in the act, released Master Maloney, who stood rubbing his ear with resentment written on every feature.

On such occasions as this Billy was a man of few words. He made a dive for the seedy man; but the latter, who during the preceding moment had been eyeing the two editors as if he were committing their appearance to memory, sprang back, and was off down the stairs with the agility of a Marathon runner.

“He blows in,” said Master Maloney, aggrieved, “and asks is de editor dere. I tells him no, ’cos youse said youse wasn’t, and he nips me by the ear when I gets busy to stop him gettin’ t’roo.”

“Comrade Maloney,” said Psmith, “you are a martyr. What would Horatius have done if somebody had nipped him by the ear when he was holding the bridge? The story does not consider the possibility. Yet it might have made all the difference. Did the gentleman state his business?”

“Nope. Just tried to butt t’roo.”

“Another of these strong silent men. The world is full of us. These are the perils of the journalistic life. You will be safer and happier when you are rounding up cows on your mustang.”

“I wonder what he wanted,” said Billy, when they were back again in the inner room.

“Who can say, Comrade Windsor? Possibly our autographs. Possibly five minutes’ chat on general subjects.”

“I don’t like the look of him,” said Billy.

“Whereas what Comrade Maloney objected to was the feel of him. In what respect did his look jar upon you? His clothes were poorly cut, but such things, I know, leave you unmoved.”

“It seems to me,” said Billy thoughtfully, “as if he came just to get a sight of us.”

“And he got it. Ah, Providence is good to the poor.”

“Whoever’s behind those tenements isn’t going to stick at any odd trifle. We must watch out. That man was probably sent to mark us down for one of the gangs. Now they’ll know what we look like, and they can get after us.”

“These are the drawbacks to being public men, Comrade Windsor. We must bear them manfully, without wincing.”

Billy turned again to his work.

“I’m not going to wince,” he said, “so’s you could notice it with a microscope. What I’m going to do is to buy a good big stick. And I’d advise you to do the same.”

It was by Psmith’s suggestion that the editorial staff of Cosy Moments dined that night in the roof garden at the top of the Astor Hotel.

“The tired brain,” he said, “needs to recuperate. To feed on such a night as this in some low-down hostelry on the level of the street, with German waiters breathing heavily down the back of one’s neck and two fiddles and a piano whacking out ‘Beautiful Eyes’ about three feet from one’s tympanum, would be false economy. Here, fanned by cool breezes and surrounded by fair women and brave men, one may do a bit of tissue-restoring. Moreover, there is little danger up here of being slugged by our moth-eaten acquaintance of this morning. A man with trousers like his would not be allowed in. We shall probably find him waiting for us at the main entrance with a sandbag, when we leave, but, till then⁠—”

He turned with gentle grace to his soup.

It was a warm night, and the roof garden was full. From where they sat they could see the million twinkling lights of the city. Towards the end of the meal, Psmith’s gaze concentrated itself on the advertisement of a certain brand of ginger-ale in Times Square. It is a mass of electric light arranged in the shape of a great bottle, and at regular intervals there proceed from the bottle’s mouth flashes of flame representing ginger-ale. The thing began to exercise a hypnotic effect on Psmith. He came to himself with a start, to find Billy Windsor in conversation with a waiter.

“Yes, my name’s Windsor,” Billy was saying.

The waiter bowed and retired to one of the tables where a young man in evening clothes was seated. Psmith recollected having seen this solitary diner looking in their direction once or twice during dinner, but the fact had not impressed him.

“What is happening, Comrade Windsor?” he inquired. “I was musing with a certain tenseness at the moment, and the rush of events has left me behind.”

“Man at that table wanted to know if my name was Windsor,” said Billy.

“Ah?” said Psmith, interested; “and was it?”

“Here he comes. I wonder what he wants. I don’t know the man from Adam.”

The stranger was threading his way between the tables.

“Can I have a word with you, Mr. Windsor?” he said.

Billy looked at him curiously. Recent events had made him wary of strangers.

“Won’t you sit down?” he said.

A waiter was bringing a chair. The young man seated himself.

“By the way,” added Billy; “my friend, Mr. Smith.”

“Pleased to meet you,” said the other.

“I don’t know your name,” Billy hesitated.

“Never mind about my name,” said the stranger. “It won’t be needed. Is Mr. Smith on your paper? Excuse my asking.”

Psmith bowed. “That’s all right, then. I can go ahead.” He bent forward.

“Neither of you gentlemen are hard of hearing, eh?”

“In the old prairie days,” said Psmith, “Comrade Windsor was known to the Indians as Boola-Ba-Na-Gosh, which, as you doubtless know, signifies Big-Chief-Who-Can-Hear-A-Fly-Clear-Its-Throat. I too can hear as well as the next man. Why?”

“That’s all right, then. I don’t want to have to shout it. There’s some things it’s better not to yell.”

He turned to Billy, who had been looking at him all the while with a combination of interest and suspicion. The man