Mr. Monk and the Two Assistants by Goldberg, Lee (ready player one ebook .TXT) 📗

doesn’t like crowds. It significantly raises the possibility that he may brush against another human being, which would mean he’d have to rush home and take three showers.

We didn’t have time for that today.

Sharona and I both knew what had to be done. All it took was a shared glance between us and we ran interference for Monk so he could walk in a brush-free zone of his own.

I hated to admit it, but having a co-assistant definitely had some advantages.

We were met at the police line by a plainclothes cop who was chewing on a drool-soaked, unlit cigar. He had bags under his rummy eyes, jowls only a hound dog could love and a gut that reminded me of what I looked like when I was eight months pregnant.

“Lieutenant Sam Dozier,” he said, lifting the police tape for us to duck under and offering Monk his chubby hand.

Monk shook hands with Dozier.

Out of habit, Sharona and I simultaneously offered Monk a disinfectant wipe. He took one from each of us, wisely not playing favorites, and cleaned his hand.

“I’m Adrian Monk and these are my co-assistants, Natalie Teeger and Sharona Fleming, though I believe you and Sharona have already met,” Monk said, sounding like Darth Vader with that mask on.

Dozier shook my hand, then turned to Sharona.

“I’m sorry about what you and your son have been through, but as far as I’m concerned, this is a waste of time,” he said. “The Ellen Cole murder case is closed and your husband killed her. I’m only meeting with you as a professional courtesy to the SFPD.”

“I appreciate it,” Sharona said.

“What’s with the gas mask?” Dozier asked.

“Allergies,” Monk said.

“What are you allergic to?”

“Los Angeles,” Monk said. “I’d like you to take us to Ellen Cole’s house and walk us through the crime scene.”

Monk held his hand up in front of his face, as if shielding his eyes from the glare of the sun.

But there was no glare.

“It’s going to have to wait until tomorrow or maybe the day after,” Dozier said. “As you can see, I’m a little busy right now.”

“It has to be today,” Monk said, squinting at Dozier over the top of his hand.

I tried to guess what Monk didn’t want to see, but there were so many possibilities. It could have been the torn-up asphalt or the Dumpster in front of the store or the Porta Potti down the street or the soggy cigar between Dozier’s teeth.

“Maybe you haven’t noticed,” Dozier said, “but I’m in the middle of working a homicide here.”

“So wrap it up and let’s go,” Monk said.

“It’s not that easy,” Dozier said.

“Maybe not for you,” Sharona said. “But it is for him.”

Dozier gave Monk a look. “Is that so?”

“Show him, Adrian,” Sharona said.

“I may be a little rusty,” Monk said. “It’s been a day or two since I solved a murder.”

“If you can close this case for me,” Dozier said, “then you’ve got my full attention for as long as you’re here.”

“Tell me what happened,” Monk said.

“It’s not too complicated.” Dozier turned his back to us and led us toward a charming storefront in the style of a Victorian house. “It’s a simple holdup gone bad.”

Monk lowered his hand from in front of his face and followed Dozier. We followed Monk.

“A guy barged into the store about an hour ago, took the cash from the register, then shot the owner and left.”

“Sounds simple enough.” Monk recoiled from the construction Dumpster on the street as if it might attack him. “What did the witnesses tell you?”

“There weren’t any,” Dozier said, turning to face Monk, who immediately raised his hand in front of his eyes again and averted his gaze. “The Dumpster behind you blocked the front door from view and the jackhammers muffled the sound of the gunshot. The owner’s wife didn’t even hear it and she was in the back room. It doesn’t matter, though, because we’ve got the whole thing on video.”

“Then what’s the mystery?” Sharona asked.

“We know what happened but we don’t know who the killer is. His face was hidden under a ski mask.” Dozier stood in the doorway of the antiques store, staring at Monk. “You got a problem with me?”

“What makes you say that?” Monk said.

“You’re shielding your eyes,” Dozier said, “like I repulse you.”

Dozier was right. So I checked him out again and that’s when I saw it. Dozier’s fly was open.

Monk could calmly scrutinize the gory bodies of people who’d suffered incredibly violent deaths but he couldn’t look at a guy wearing unzipped pants and showing a hint of boxer shorts.

“I have sensitive eyes,” Monk said.

“Your fly is open,” I said to Dozier.

“There isn’t any equipment there he hasn’t seen since the day he was born,” Dozier said, glancing down at himself.

“It’s the open zipper itself that bothers him,” Sharona said. “If you’d missed a button on your shirt, he’d be reacting the same way.”

“I heard you were odd,” Dozier said to Monk.

“Actually, I’m even,” Monk said, still shielding himself. “You will be, too, once you zip up.”

“I used that Porta Potti earlier and I guess I was in a hurry to get out.” Dozier reached down, yanked up his zipper and strode into the store. “Big deal.”

As soon as Dozier’s back was turned, I reached into my purse for a wipe.

For me, not for Monk. I’d just remembered I’d shaken Dozier’s hand, too. I scrubbed my hands and tossed the wipe in the Dumpster and followed everyone into the antiques store.

Nowadays people call anything more than a week old an antique. I think if you call something an antique, it should be at least twice as old as me and have some artistic value. Otherwise it’s a collectible.