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settled.

Thatā€™s a really bad idea.

When we grow up and she decides not to become a nun, weā€™ll be together.

The night was colder than I expected and my good coat was locked inside the closet with the rest of the kidsā€™ stuff. The flannel and sweatshirt were better than nothin, and when I found a place to stop for the night, I knew I could layer up.

Then, I heard her yellinā€™ after me and stopped dead in my tracks under the streetlight. Theyā€™d be cominā€™ close behind and I didnā€™t want her to get in trouble. Me beinā€™ out on the streets was one thing. I was a grown boy and knew I could take care of myself. She was still too young and it woulda been a dangerous life for her. I knew a whole lotta nothinā€™ about nothinā€™, but I knew Fiona couldnā€™t come.

I can still see her clearlyā€”runninā€™ toward me with those long red curls gettinā€™ coated with big snowflakes. Tears were streaminā€™ down her pretty face and it broke my heart. She was in a nightgown and fallinā€™ over her slippersā€”a complete and total mess.

ā€œWhat do you think youā€™re doinā€™, Fi?ā€ I stopped and looked down on her as she panted big puffs of freezing breath. ā€œYou know they donā€™t want me there no more. I gotta go . . . into the City . . . I dunno . . . maybe upstate or to Jersey or somethinā€™. Me and Brooklyn need to say goodbye.ā€

ā€œGio, you canā€™t go without me! I love you . . . weā€™ve talked about this. We can finally do it! We can run away and no one will ever find us.ā€ She was panting hard and jumping up against my chest, almost excited. ā€œWe can get married . . . weā€™ll figure it out! As long as we have each other, we can share bagels until we find a place and I learn to cook. You canā€™t go, Gio!ā€

Then I had to do the hardest thing Iā€™d ever done in the seventeen years Iā€™d been alive. I had to be a prick to keep her safe.

ā€œCā€™mon, Fi, are you crazy? I canā€™t have some little kid followinā€™ me around the City! Iā€™ve gotta be a man now, and I canā€™t worry about babysittinā€™ you.ā€ I love you. Go back inside. ā€œYou couldnā€™t hack it out here . . . youā€™d just hold me back.ā€

She jumped at me and her little fists pounded hard against my chest.

ā€œI donā€™t need a babysitter and I could handle it just fine out there! You donā€™t know! You donā€™t know, Gio! Iā€™m tougher than you think! Maybe just as tough as you!ā€

ā€œGingersnap, stop beinā€™ a baby throwinā€™ a tantrum. Go in and stay warm. I promise . . . Iā€™ll always protect you. Iā€™ll be there . . . somehow.ā€ I grabbed her hands and held them to my mouth. ā€œFi, please . . . go be a nun. Let them take care of you. Now, I gotta take care of me and thatā€™s all I can do.ā€

I turned and walked away as I heard voices. They were coming to get her. I didnā€™t look back.

She didnā€™t understand why I had to do it. Even though Iā€™d been tortured since that night, I never regretted keepinā€™ her safe from the hell I survived after disappearing into the asphalt jungle of Manhattan.

Her voice echoed in my head as I walked the streets of the City. I prayed she was alright and might forgive me eventually. Iā€™ll never know either way. My life had taken a turn for the ugly. There wasnā€™t a pocket I wouldnā€™t pick or any level of shame thatā€™d keep me from doinā€™ whatever it took to stay alive. The worse things got for me, the happier I was that Iā€™d been a dick to make her go back. She was pissedā€”I knew that for sure. Iā€™d become a complete scumbag to survive and was grateful she wasnā€™t there by my side. Shit was bad, but a teenage girl woulda been chewed up and spit out into the nearest gutter. Yeah, it was better to have her mad than livinā€™ in subway stations, layered in newspaper to stay warm. I never knew where Iā€™d sleep and there wasnā€™t a whole lot of loyalty or respect in the crowd I was surrounded by. Other street people stole from me and one day, it just started. I needed to stay awake to keep an eye on my stuff. The more hours I was up and racinā€™, the more chances Iā€™d have to make money.

Enter crystal meth.

I started usinā€™ pretty heavy and it wasnā€™t long before I was addicted to what seemed to be my savinā€™ grace. Crystal was my girlfriendā€”my best friendā€”and the thing that made it okay to go for a couple days without food. A meal would last a couple hours in my belly, but meth could last a day or more dependinā€™ on how much I did. My shit was safer, I didnā€™t get fucked with, and food didnā€™t even cross my mind. It was a good trade-off for a while. We had a pretty good relationship and I started dealinā€™ for the Royal Bastards motorcycle club so I could stay high. Thatā€™s when my girlfriend turned on me and gave me a total psychotic break.

It happened so fast that night. Iā€™d been up for days and was paranoid as fuck. Thatā€™s what made me keep an extra good eye on the president of the club. Some piece of shit was cominā€™ at him with a broken bottle and I went ballistic. Just as the glass was about to sink into his stomach, I grabbed the guy and started beating him and wouldnā€™t stop. All I remember was gettinā€™ pulled off and thrown into the back of a van.

They took me to their

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