No Going Back by Casey Kelleher (black male authors TXT) 📗

‘I’m not really sleeping, and I’ve lost my appetite. I think that’s why I fainted this morning. I’ve just been really overwhelmed.’

‘I thought as much.’ DS Morgan nodded. ‘And it’s this case that’s set you off? Because my offer still stands. I can still pull you from this?’ He guessed that he’d been right all along and that this case was too close to home for Lucy. Which was completely understandable, given what she’d been through in her past.

‘No, Sarge.’ Lucy shook her head. ‘I want to do this. It’s not about the case. Well, not exactly, though I expect that’s playing some small part in all of this. Something happened…’ Lucy said, unsure how to explain the next bit without sounding like a crazy person.

She took a deep breath.

‘I think I can remember what my mother’s killer looks like.’

She stared at her boss, searching his face for signs of a reaction, but ever the professional, there was none. DS Morgan didn’t react. He was listening without judgement.

‘I mean, I know I can. I’ve seen his face,’ Lucy continued, explaining herself. ‘I have the same nightmares over and over again. I have done for years. And each time, they’re the same sequence of events, replayed in my head of that terrible night. Only, a little while ago, it all changed. And instead of seeing the shadowy black figure that murdered my mother, I finally saw him. I mean, properly. His face, his eyes, his features. And I’ve seen him every time since. Shit! I know it sounds crazy…’

DS Morgan hesitated, taking in this new information for a few seconds before he spoke. Because he knew how sensitive this was to Lucy and he wanted to get it right.

‘Okay then. What would you like to do?’

‘Do?’ Lucy said, shaking her head, as if not understanding the question.

‘Going forward. If you are certain that you remember what your mother’s murderer looks like, then I can organise a meeting with a specialist cognitive witness interviewer for you, and we could compile an E-fit. If this new information leads to a new suspect, it may open the lines of enquiry enough for us to prompt a cold case review.’

‘You’d really reopen the case? After all this time? It’s still possible?’ Lucy said, surprised that after all this time it would still be an option.

DS Morgan nodded.

‘Of course. Though identification evidence alone is never enough for a conviction, as I’m sure you’re aware; but we would do everything in our power to look for this man. And if we did find him, we could revisit forensics. It’s a start, at least.’

It was Lucy’s turn to fall silent then.

She hadn’t thought any further than talking to her sergeant. She hadn’t even considered that the case would be reviewed and that there was a chance to reinvestigate. Suddenly she felt filled with fear once more at the thought of having to go through it all again.

‘I’m not sure I can put myself through it all again, Sarge. It’s just such a lot…’ Lucy said, recalling the countless therapy sessions she’d endured over the years. The way that revisiting her mother’s murder always seemed to leave her anxious and emotionally drained. She’d end up having to take time off from work. And it wasn’t just herself she had to think about. ‘And what about my nan, Sarge? I don’t think she’s able for it either. She’s been through so much. She still is going through stuff, right in the midst of it all. And she’s not really coping all that well. Some days she’s so confused she barely even recognises me. What if this pushes her over the edge? Because the press will be all over it, won’t they? One of the lead detective constables on this case, investigating a pregnant woman being murdered, another being attacked. They’d have a field day if they found out that my own pregnant mother had been murdered too, and the killer had never been caught.’ Lucy stared out into the main CID room and saw Holder working away at his desk. His head down as he pored over some files. The rest of her colleagues busying themselves on the case. ‘And everyone would know…’

This was part of the reason she’d kept her past a secret from them all. Because the second she told people about her ordeal, they’d treat her differently. Even if they didn’t intend to, that’s just what people did. They couldn’t help themselves. And part of her would always be tiptoed around. Part of her would always be Lucy Murphy – the victim.

‘Baby steps, Lucy,’ DS Morgan said, pursing his mouth, unable to say anything different or offer any reassurance that that wouldn’t be the case, because he’d been thinking the same himself. This case was high-profile and so far, they had very little to go on.

Lucy was right; once the media found out about her past, she would be publicly scrutinised. They all would, and he knew how much Lucy wouldn’t want that. Morgan sat back in his chair. There was no one in the world, other than Lucy, who wanted Jennifer Murphy’s murderer caught more than him. But this was Lucy’s call. All he could do was advise and guide her.

‘If you start overthinking it and worrying about every aspect of this case, you’ll drive yourself crazy.’

‘Even more crazy than I already feel?’ Lucy laughed, secretly hoping that DS Morgan didn’t think of her that way.

DS Morgan smiled.

‘You’re not crazy, Lucy. You’re still grieving and no doubt, in some ways, you always will be. What you decide to do from here on in is down to you. Like I said, it’s one baby step at a time. Zack’s still here. Maybe you could talk this through with him? As a forensic profiler, and a bloody good one at that, he might be able to give you his insight on the attacker. Then you can weigh up your options. No pressure, no expectations.