Heart and Soul by Jackie May (reading list .TXT) 📗

I’m too weirded out by this interaction. I want to say, Who are you, and what have you done with Agent Hillerman? But at the same time, I don’t want to jinx it. I really need this right now. “So…you don’t think we’re completely insane?”

“Maybe you are. But maybe that’s also what we all need right now. That crazy kind of defiance that breaks through walls. I mean that, Shayne. Hold onto it. You and Brenner could be the difference. Have you thought about that?”

“What? The difference for what?”

She looks down at her hands inside the sleeves. “I don’t know. I was going to say the difference for everything, for the world. But if I’m honest, I probably just mean that it could be the difference for me.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that you two have a way of attracting change—positive change—in others. Brenner’s got his life back because he met you. And look at what you two brought out in Elle Harrington. Look at Brenner’s partner.”

“Russo?”

“Moved all the way out here to work with Brenner again. There’s just something about you guys that others need.”

My face burns red and not because of the hot cocoa. “But…I don’t…I didn’t mean for any of that. Brenner and Elle, I just needed them for my own selfish reasons. Trust me, I wasn’t trying to help anybody but myself.”

“Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Deny praise.”

“That’s not praise. It’s responsibility, which I’m happy to avoid, absolutely.”

“Just look at the facts: Brenner and Elle were one way before you got involved, and they were another way after.”

“Because that’s what happens when monsters try to kill you. I didn’t do anything.”

“It’s not what you do, Shayne. It’s who you are that changed them. Trust me.”

“Bullshit. What’s even happening right now? Where is all this coming from? You know as well as anybody what a big game I play. The bravado, the attitude—it’s a poker face. It’s my big bluff, because that’s what a little fox has to do in an alpha world.”

“Is that what you think?”

“You know I do! You saw right through it the second we met.”

“Is it always this hard for somebody to give you a compliment?”

“Well, I don’t need handouts, is all. I’m tired of people trying to put me in a place I don’t deserve. Elle and Brenner put me on some sort of superhero pedestal, my mom thinks I’m a basket case, you’re trying to make me out as some sort of guidance counselor, and half the underworld thinks I’m a full-blown traitor. The reality is, I’m none of those things. I’m just…” I shake my open palms in front of me, searching them for the answer. “I’m just…a fox. That’s all.”

Hillerman nods slowly. “Let me ask one more thing?”

“You’re asking my permission? Are you feeling all right?”

“Just one more thing.”

“Fine, but only if you let me ask one more thing.”

“Sure,” she says.

“Okay, shoot.”

“You and Brenner aren’t rogues. You formed your own pack.”

“That’s right.”

“So who’s the alpha?”

I suppress a groan. This topic is annoying, and doubly so coming from a human who can’t possibly understand. “That’s easy. Don’t have one, don’t need one.”

“Foxes can’t be alphas?”

“Yes, they can, but…”

“But not you?”

“I haven’t felt anything. It would have awakened in the process of leaving my pack.”

“And it didn’t?”

“No. But Brenner’s stronger than anybody thinks.”

“So you just default to him?”

“Look, this may be hard to believe, because he doesn’t seem it, but if humans could be alphas, he’d be one. And that’s no bluff.”

“I believe it. Have you told him yet?”

I grit my teeth. “You said one more thing.”

“So you haven’t told him? Is it dangerous?” Hillerman raises her hands in defense. “No judgment. I’m really asking.” She points at herself. “Demon expert, remember? Pack behavior’s not my jurisdiction.”

I wipe a stray drop of hot cocoa from the side of the mug. “No, I didn’t tell him that it can be dangerous for a pack to have no alpha. It can be provoking to stronger packs. Their alphas would be tempted to assert themselves, to put it nicely. Thank you so much for pointing out what weaklings we are.”

“I don’t think you’re weak at all. In fact, I think you’re an alpha, whether you feel it or not.”

“Sorry, I know you hate to be wrong, but it just doesn’t work that way.”

“We’ll see.”

“You know what, let’s go back to being mean to each other. It’s less weird than this.”

“Go ahead and ask your question.”

“No, I changed my mind.”

“C’mon, I asked my one more thing, now you ask yours.”

“Forget it. I know when I’m being played. The only time you ever pretend to be nice to me is when you want something. If you’re leading up to another offer for me to join your task force, the answer is still no. Not now or ever.”

She takes a moment to think, then says in a soft voice, “I think it’s time I apologized. I know this may be hard to believe, Shayne, but the truth is, she genuinely likes you.”

All my senses go on high alert. “She likes me?”

“I know it doesn’t seem that way, but she does. Trust me.”

“Okay, but she who? Who’s ‘she?’”

“Charlotte.”

I shoot to my feet so quickly that my chair topples backward with a loud bang against the kitchen tile. Hillerman flinches at the sound, leaning forward to plant her chair on all four legs. She seems dazed, looking around as though she doesn’t know where she is. Spotting the bowl of ramen noodles, she shoves it away in disgust. Whipping the sunglasses off, she gives me a distrustful glare. “What happened?”

It takes every ounce of self-control to keep from blurting, You’re possessed by demons! That’s what happened! Ruby was right; it takes one to know one! Either that, or you have multiple personalities, because the person I just had a whole conversation with was not Agent Hillerman.

Or was it? Maybe I just talked to the real Hillerman, and the manipulative bitch who is now staring me down is the demon.