Manners and Social Usages - Mrs John M. E. W. Sherwood (mobile ebook reader TXT) 📗
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journeys to the various places of amusement and to the
watering-places.
Nothing is more vulgar in the eyes of our modern society than for
an engaged couple to travel together or to go to the theatre
unaccompanied, as was the primitive custom. This will, we know,
shock many Americans, and be called a “foolish following of
foreign fashions.” But it is true; and, if it were only for the
“looks of the thing,” it is more decent, more elegant, and more
correct for the young couple to be accompanied by a chaperon until
married. Society allows an engaged girl to drive with her fianc�
in an open carriage, but it does not approve of his taking her in
a close carriage to an evening party.
There are non-resident chaperons who are most popular and most
useful. Thus, one mamma or elderly lady may chaperon a number of
young ladies to a dinner, or a drive on a coach, a sail down the
bay, or a ball at West Point. This lady looks after all her young
charges, and attends to their propriety and their happiness. She
is the guardian angel, for the moment, of their conduct. It is a
care which young men always admire and respect—this of a kind,
well-bred chaperon, who does not allow the youthful spirits of her
charges to run away with them.
The chaperon, if an intelligent woman, and with the sort of social
talent which a chaperon ought to have, is the best friend of a
family of shy girls. She brings them forward, and places them in a
position in which they can enjoy society; for there is a great
deal of tact required in a large city to make a retiring girl
enjoy herself. Society demands a certain amount of handling, which
only the social expert understands. To this the chaperon should be
equal. There are some women who have a social talent which is
simply Napoleonic. They manage it as a great general does his
corps de bataille.
Again, there are bad chaperons. A flirtatious married woman who is
thinking of herself only, and who takes young girls about merely
to enable herself to lead a gay life (and the world is full of
such women), is worse than no chaperon at all. She is not a
protection to the young lady, and she disgusts the honorable men
who would like to approach her charge. A very young chaperon, bent
on pleasure, who undertakes to make respectable the coaching
party, but who has no dignity of character to impress upon it, is
a very poor one. Many of the most flagrant violations of
propriety, in what is called the fashionable set, have arisen from
this choice of young chaperons, which is a mere begging of the
question, and no chaperonage at all.
Too much champagne is drunk, too late hours are kept, silly
stories are circulated, and appearances are disregarded by these
gay girls and their young chaperons; and yet they dislike very
much to see themselves afterwards held up to ridicule in the pages
of a magazine by an Englishman, whose every sentiment of
propriety, both educated and innate, has been shocked by their
conduct.
A young Frenchman who visited America a few years ago formed the
worst judgment of American women because he met one alone at an
artist’s studio. He misinterpreted the profoundly sacred and
corrective influences of art. It had not occurred to the lady that
if she went to see a picture she would be suspected of wishing to
see the artist. Still, the fact that such a mistake could be made
should render ladies careful of even the appearance of evil.
A chaperon should in her turn remember that she must not open a
letter, She must not exercise an unwise surveillance. She must not
suspect her charge. All that sort of Spanish espionage is
always outwitted. The most successful chaperons are those who love
their young charges, respect them, try to be in every way what the
mother would have been. Of course, all relations of this sort are
open to many drawbacks on both sides, but it is not impossible
that it may be an agreeable relation, if both parties exercise a
little tact.
In selecting a chaperon for a young charge, let parents or
guardians be very particular as to the past history of the lady.
If she has ever been talked about, ever suffered the bad
reputation of flirt or coquette, do not think of placing her in
that position. Clubs have long memories, and the fate of more than
one young heiress has been imperilled by an injudicious choice of
a chaperon. If any woman should have a spotless record and
admirable character it should be the chaperon. It will tell
against her charge if she have not. Certain needy women who have
been ladies, and who precariously attach to society through their
families, are always seeking for some young heiress. These women
are very poor chaperons, and should be avoided.
This business of chaperonage is a point which demands attention on
the part of careless American mothers. No mother should be
oblivious of her duty in this respect. It does not imply that she
doubts her daughter’s honor or truth, or that she thinks she needs
watching, but it is proper and respectable and necessary that she
should appear by her daughter’s side in society. The world is full
of traps. It is impossible to be too careful of the reputation of
a young lady, and it improves the tone of society vastly if an
elegant and respectable woman of middle age accompanies every
young party. It goes far to silence the ceaseless clatter of
gossip; it is the antidote to scandal; it makes the air clearer;
and, above all, it improves the character, the manners, and
elevates the minds of the young people who are so happy as to
enjoy the society and to feel the authority of a cultivated, wise,
and good chaperon.
CHAPTER XXV.
ETIQUETTE FOR ELDERLY GIRLS.
A brisk correspondent writes to us that she finds our restrictions
as to the etiquette which single women should follow somewhat
embarrassing. Being now thirty-five, and at the head of her
father’s house, with no intention of ever marrying, she asks if
she requires a chaperon; if it is necessary that she should
observe the severe self-denial of not entering an artist’s studio
without a guardian angel; if she must never allow a gentleman to
pay for her theatre tickets; if she must, in short, assume a
matron’s place in the world, and never enjoy a matron’s freedom.
From her letter we can but believe that this young lady of
thirty-five is a very attractive person, and that she does “not
look her age.” Still, as she is at the head of her father’s house,
etiquette does yield a point and allows her to judge for herself
as to the proprieties which must bend to her. Of course with every
year of a woman’s life after twenty-five she becomes less and less
the subject of chaperonage. For one thing, she is better able to
judge of the world and its temptations; in the second place, a
certain air which may not be less winning, but which is certainly
more mature, has replaced the wild grace of a giddy girlhood. She
has, with the assumption of years, taken on a dignity which, in
its way, is fully the compensation for some lost bloom. Many
people prefer it.
But we must say here that she is not yet, in European opinion,
emancipated from that guardianship which society dispenses with
for the youngest widow. She must have a “companion” if she is a
rich woman; and if she is a poor one she must join some party of
friends when she travels. She can travel abroad with her maid, but
in Paris and other Continental cities a woman still young-looking
had better not do this. She is not safe from insult nor from
injurious suspicion if she signs herself “Miss” Smith, and is
without her mother, an elderly friend, a companion, or party.
In America a woman can go anywhere and do almost anything without
fear of insult. But in Europe, where the custom of chaperonage is
so universal, she must be more circumspect.
As to visiting an artist’s studio alone, there is in art itself an
ennobling and purifying influence which should be a protection.
But we must not forget that saucy book by Maurice Sand, in which
its author says that the first thing he observed in America was
that women (even respectable ones) went alone to artists’ studios.
It would seem wiser, therefore, that a lady, though thirty-five,
should be attended in her visits to studios by a friend or
companion. This simple expedient “silences envious tongues,” and
avoids even the remotest appearance of evil.
In the matter of paying for tickets, if a lady of thirty-five
wishes to allow a gentleman to pay for her admission to
picture-galleries and theatres she has an indisputable right to do
so. But we are not fighting for a right, only defining a law of
etiquette, when we say that it is not generally allowed in the
best society, abroad or here. In the case of young girls it is
quite unallowable, but in the case of a lady of thirty-five it may
be permitted as a sort of camaraderie, as one college friend may
pay for another. The point is, however, a delicate one. Men, in
the freedom of their clubs, recount to each other the clever
expedients which many women of society use to extort from them
boxes for the opera and suppers at Delmonico’s. A woman should
remember that it may sometimes be very inconvenient to young men
who are invited by her to go to concerts and theatres to pay for
these pleasures. Many a poor fellow who has become a defaulter has
to thank for it the lady who first asked him to take her to
Delmonico’s to supper. He was ashamed to tell her that he was
poor, and he stole that he might not seem a churl.
Another phase of the subject is that a lady in permitting a
gentleman to expend money for her pleasures assumes an obligation
to him which time and chance may render oppressive.
With an old friend, however, one whose claim to friendship is well
established, the conditions are changed. In his case there can be
no question of obligation, and a woman may accept unhesitatingly
any of those small attentions and kindnesses which friendly
feeling may prompt him to offer to her.
Travelling alone with a gentleman escort was at one time allowed
in the West. A Kentucky woman of that historic period, “before the
war,” would not have questioned the propriety of it, and a Western
man of to-day still has the desire to pay everything, everywhere,
“for a lady.”
The increase in the population of the Western States and the
growth of a wealthy and fashionable society in the large towns
have greatly modified this spirit of unwise chivalry, and such
customs are passing away even on the frontier. Mr. Howells’s
novel, “The Lady of the Aroostook,” has acquainted American
readers with the unkind criticism to which a young lady who
travels in Europe without a chaperon is subjected, and we believe
that there are few mammas who would desire to see their daughters
in the position of Miss Lydia Blood.
“An old maid,” as our correspondent playfully calls herself, may
do almost anything without violating etiquette, if she consents to
become a chaperon, and takes with her a younger person. Thus an
aunt and niece can travel far and wide; the position
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