Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody by Fanny Merkin (reading an ebook .TXT) 📗

a knowing smirk on his face, but he doesn’t say anything either. I mean, like nudists can ever take the moral high ground. It’s tough to be judgmental with your balls showing.

Earl says he has to return to work but, really, when does Earl Grey have to work? I think he’s just trying to give me time alone with my family. After he leaves, my mother says, “So he’s a cute one.”

I blush.

“A little older than you, but I wouldn’t kick him out of a Burger King bathroom, if you know what I mean,” she says.

My stepfather just laughs. “For what he’s worth, neither would I.” His sudden erection says he’s not kidding.

“Stop, you guys are embarrassing me,” I say.

“We’re just glad you’ve finally met someone,” my mother says.

“Thanks,” I mutter. What would they say if they knew I was pregnant with Earl Grey’s baby? I don’t think they would be so happy for me.

They say they contacted Kathleen and Jin and left them several voice messages. I keep waiting for another knock at the door, for Jin and Kathleen to check in on me and bring me flowers and balloons, but they’re nowhere to be found. I check my cell phone beside my bed: no messages. Even though I’m here with my family, I’ve never felt more alone. Possibly because I’m the only one wearing any clothing. Is this how my life together with Earl will be? Me in the hospital, him visiting to sex me up, and my mother and her d-bag husband keeping me company? I stare at the red roses Earl left by my bedside. Every rose has its thorn . . .

Chapter Twenty-four

WHEN I’M FINALLY DISCHARGED from the hospital at noon the next day, Earl Grey picks me up in typical Earl Grey fashion: although he’s ditched the helicopter (which was totaled in the Space Needle crash), he pulls up at the hospital entrance in a NASCAR stock car. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” Earl says, greeting me in front of the hospital. He’s wearing a racing jumpsuit covered in logos of companies he owns. “I thought I lost you.”

I shake my head. “You won’t lose me that easily.”

He kisses me. It’s a deep, long, passionate kiss that seems to last forever, like a low-scoring, tied baseball game that’s gone on for forty-seven innings. An ambulance rolls up behind Earl’s stock car and the ambulance driver lays on the horn. Apparently, Earl is parked in the emergency room lane. I start to break away from his kiss, but Earl sucks harder at my mouth. Our passion cannot be interrupted by rude ambulance drivers and their honky horns and dying patients!

When we finally part lips, the sun is setting and there is a line of sixteen ambulances backed up behind Earl’s stock car. He gives a little wave to the pissed off ambulance drivers, and we hop into his car and speed off into the Seattle traffic.

“So what’s the story behind this car?” I ask once we’re on the road.

“I could tell you it’s a replica of the car Tom Cruise drove in Days of Thunder, but that would be a lie,” he says. “It’s the actual car.”

I shake my head. Earl Grey sure has a hard-on for this Tom Cruise guy. “Wow,” I say.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to act impressed,” he says. “I’d rather you be impressed by the size of my cock than by the car I drive.”

“No problem there, Mr. Grey.” I smile. He tilts his head toward me and smiles back. “But keep your eyes on the road, Sir.”

“Point taken,” he says, turning his attention back to the road.

“Where are we headed?” I ask.

“I’ve got a surprise for you,” he says, speeding into the hills.

Twenty minutes later, we pull up into the driveway of a secluded mansion overlooking Seattle. The setting sun is beautiful and romantic. “Who lives here?” I ask.

“Eddie Vedder,” he says, killing the ignition. “But it’s on the market. I thought I’d bring you here and see what you think of it.”

We step out of the car. “You want to buy this place?”

“If you like it,” he says.

Earl pulls a key out of his pocket and opens the door to the mansion. “Eddie’s on tour with Pearl Jam right now, but he lent me a key so we could give it a test drive,” he says, smirking wickedly.

We enter the house. Like everything Earl shows me, it’s amazing. The bright color scheme, the space-age furniture, the floor-to-ceiling fish tank with naked women swimming in it—just walking through the door, I already know this is where I want to spend the rest of my life. This is where I want to spend the rest of our life.

“Did you decorate this place too?” I ask.

Earl nods. “You know it, baby.”

“You’re so talented,” I say. It doesn’t seem fair that one man could be so beautiful, and so talented, and so rich, but damn: Earl Grey is the total package. My inner guidette shakes her head. That’s like the fiftieth time you’ve said that, using nearly the exact same words, she says. I’m about ready to tell her to go back to styling her poof, when I feel a kick in my abdomen. The baby! It reminds me of Earl’s sadism. Is all the money in the world worth putting up with the pain he’ll subject me to in order to satisfy his own twisted desires?

Earl takes me on a tour of the mansion. It has sixteen living rooms, a recording studio, a bowling alley with thirty-two lanes, and two and a half bathrooms. “Plus,” Earl says, “there’s even a guest bedroom for when your parents come to visit.”

“Or my friends,” I say.

Earl doesn’t look happy when I say this, but he nods. “If your friends want to stay, sure,” he says. “But Jin will have to sleep in the horse barn out back.”

My mouth drops open. “Why do you have to be such an asshole sometimes?”

“I don’t know,”