To Dare a Rogue - Lana Williams (novels for beginners TXT) 📗

“I hope not, though Father is convinced otherwise. How did you learn of that?”

James frowned, unwilling to mention his conversation with Charlotte. He shouldn’t have raised the topic. “Are you prepared to inherit?”

Edward released his hold on James as he considered his answer. “Another odd question.” When James continued to look at him steadily, Edward shrugged. “I suppose I'll be ready. I haven't given it much thought. Nor does my father as he rarely mentions it. What of you?”

Though he considered telling Edward of his plan to refuse the title, he hesitated. Edward would surely question his decision. The only way to convince his friend that he was making the right choice would be to explain how he felt. That was something he didn’t care to do now, if ever.

James shook his head. “I prefer to think my parents will live forever.” He tried a smile, hoping Edward wasn't as observant as his sister. She seemed to see through his pretense far too easily.

“As cheerless and wretched as my father appears to be, I hope he doesn't last too many more years.” Edward sighed.

“Do you think his unhappiness is caused by gout?” Edward’s father had been irritable ever since James had known him but had had the painful disease for a long time. He made everyone around him miserable and took no pleasure in his family.

James never wanted to cause his loved ones grief. That was another reason not to have a family of his own. How could he make them happy when he felt so broken?

“I don’t know.” Edward focused on the street ahead though James guessed he didn't see it. “He was never a happy person. When I was younger, I assumed all men, especially those with titles, were so weighted by their duties and responsibilities that there was little time for happiness. But many have found the elusive quality.”

“True.” That much James would admit. Many men their age had at least found contentment in their lives. While he knew happiness was out of reach, did he dare hope for some measure of ease later in life? At the moment, that didn’t seem possible. Not given how he’d felt since his return. Glimpses of happiness were fleeting—like a butterfly fluttering through a garden, rarely staying on a flower for long. A moment or two of joy with his parents and several with Charlotte. Those were times he would always cherish. More seemed impossible.

“I sometimes wonder if happiness is a choice,” Edward added.

“How do you mean?”

“What if it's something we must learn such as becoming skilled with money or running an estate? Perhaps one should focus on the good rather than the bad. On what we have rather than what we wish we did. On finding a measure of joy each day.”

“You might have something there,” James admitted at length despite the doubt that suggested such a thing was impossible, at least for him. “But such weighty topics should be discussed when I’ve had less to drink.”

“Excellent point.”

“Are we going to walk all the way home?” He looked back, realizing how far they’d already come.

“No,” Edward said with a laugh. “Let us find hackney and seek our beds. When evening comes once again, we will see who has any money left after your success.”

James managed a smile, ignoring the emptiness that filled him at the thought of another night of drink and cards.

Was this it? Was this all there would be to his life? He sincerely hoped not because he already knew it wasn’t enough.

~*~

James entered the Hearn Musicale two evenings later with no small measure of trepidation. It wasn't that he didn't care for music. It was that performances of this nature were often less than pleasing to the ear.

Why he had allowed Charlotte’s urgent message to bring him here this evening he didn't know. Actually that wasn't true. He missed her. He missed her lovely sparkling eyes and her beautiful face. He missed the light she brought into his world.

Yet he knew eventually that light would dim if she spent too much time with him. He'd already witnessed it when they’d visited the conservatory. His presence caused a similar result when he was with his mother, which was why he limited the number and length of visits with his parents.

It was difficult to pretend all was well when he was with them, especially when it came to his mother. Eventually, worry clouded her dark eyes, and her smile came less easily.

“There you are.”

He turned at the familiar feminine voice to see Charlotte approach. His gaze swept over her, his spirits lifting despite himself. She looked lovely this evening in a primrose gown with a wide band of satin ribbon adorning the neckline and sleeves. The color complemented her smooth complexion and brought a delicate blush to her cheeks. He pressed his hand against his thigh, a reminder not to touch her.

“I would like to state that I am here under duress,” he said quietly, only half-jesting.

To his surprise, her smile widened as amusement sparkled in her eyes. She glanced toward the top of the room where a pianoforte waited along with a violin. “I have no doubt the Hearn sisters will provide an entertaining performance.”

“Hmm. I worry what you mean by ‘entertaining’.”

Charlotte chuckled, the sound echoing inside him. “I will let that be a surprise.” Then her expression sobered as she studied him. “Are you well?”

Trust her to speak plainly. No doubt she noted the shadows under his eyes. What happened to good manners that prevented one from remarking on such things?

“Of course.” He gave a single nod as well. That was all he could allow himself. The urge to share his sleepless nights and melancholy surprised him. No doubt it was only tempting because of her suggestion at the conservatory that he speak about his experiences.

Many people asked how he was, but few truly listened for a reply. That made it easier to avoid answering the question honestly.

“And you?” he asked.

If he