a Pleasure Rites, #1 by Ines Johnson (top ten books of all time TXT) 📗

"My friend is dying," she said. "My mother died a few months ago. I didn't cry when I found her lying still. I had to dig her grave and carry her out of our home, far enough away so that animals wouldn't come near our home after me. And then I was all alone."

Jian did go to her then. The thought of Chanyn being alone nearly killed him. He took her hands in his own. She looked down at their entwined fingers and gave them a squeeze as though to test their realness.

"I've only known Dain for a week and he's not even gone yet. But here I am crying over his death. Our connection, and the care that we share for each other, is real. What I feel for my friend is real. It hurts and you can see the evidence of the pain in my tears."

She wiped at her face and continued. "I've known you for less time than I've known Dain. Our connection, what we shared with each other and the care that we have for one another are also real. I know it is."

Jian's heart pounded in its cage, begging to be free to speak.

"I'm going to conceive a child with my friend," Chanyn continued. "I'm doing it because he thinks it will save me and the love of his life. I'm doing it because he has given me so much and this is the only thing he's asked of me. But I need to understand why you're doing it, Jian?"

Jian swallowed. Chanyn held his gaze. He knew he should look away from her. Everything would show plainly on his face. She would see it all if he didn't look away. She'd see his heart beating in the reflection of his eyes. She'd see the desire to bring her close in his eyes. She'd see the desire to protect her in his eyes. She'd see his very soul yearning to join with her if he didn't look away right now.

Jian managed to blink. In the instant of that blink and his lids reopening, it was too late. When Jian focused once more on Chanyn, he saw the bright light of hope in her eyes.

"Chanyn," he sighed. He could close his eyes now. He shut them tight and bowed his head into her lap. She ran her fingers over his brow and Jian was nearly lost. Nearly.

He stayed in her lap as he spoke. "You say Lord Dain's friendship means the world to you. My brothers at the temple mean the world to me. They have given me so much, also asking little in return."

Jian straightened. This part of the story had to be told face to face.

"Five years ago, I trained a woman, a young girl, really. She was newly eighteen, newly mated. She believed herself in love with me. I wanted to believe it too. You know that only first sons are allowed to bond. I am a third and a monk at that. I took a vow to serve the Goddess in her temple for all my days. But I threw it all away on the whim of a girl who didn't know the meaning of love, or the devotion and sacrifice that comes with it. She came to her senses when she realized we would be penniless.

"She went on to bond with her two mates. All was forgiven for her. But for me, my temple was ostracized by the scandal. My brothers nearly starved because of my folly. I can't do that to them again. Even if this time it’s..."

He didn't dare complete that sentence. He began another.

"Your pleasure has given me such happiness. A happiness that I never expected to know. A man cannot serve two mistresses. I cannot stay with you. Before I go, I want to give you the family that neither of us has had. I believe you will make the greatest mother. If you will allow me to be a part of your conception and secure your future it will fill my heart for the rest of my days."

Chanyn sat silent for a moment, eyes boring into his, peering into his soul. "You believe that what I feel for you is real?"

Jian hesitated, but then nodded.

"I believe that you feel the same way," she said.

Jian closed his eyes and willed his head and heart to remain still.

When he opened his eyes, she held her arms wide before him.

For a moment, Jian didn't comprehend. He'd never been offered a hug before. He'd been embraced in the throes of passion. But no one had ever held their arms out to him for the sole purpose of comforting him. He went tentatively into her arms. Once they made contact, he engulfed her, holding her firmly against his body. They stayed that way for many moments.

Chanyn sighed deeply. He felt the weariness in her bones. He lifted her and carried her to the bed. Lying down beside her, he brought her once more into his arms. She settled her head on his chest.

After some time she spoke. "I wouldn't ask you to give up your family, Jian. Just as I know you won't ask me to forsake my friend. All my life I've only wanted one thing, and after the last time we were together I thought it had slipped through my fingers. I refuse to have any more regrets in this life. So if you won't say it, I will."

And then she did.

They were just three little words, but they took him to a soul-peaceful place meditation had never once achieved for him.

14

Chanyn looked down at the gold band on her finger. The array of jewels winked back at her. The gold bonded her to Dain and Khial. On the band sparkled three gems. The ruby was Dain's pledge, the sapphire Khial's. The diamond at the center was a tradition held over from the twentieth century. It held no meaning other than decorative.