Lost and Found Groom by McLinn, Patricia (most difficult books to read .TXT) 📗

been hidden behind a veneer of self-mockery, of practiced phrases lightly delivered. Maybe he hadn’t had time to learn to hide this pain.

The rigidity drained from his stance as his shoulders slumped as if under a new weight. And his voice sounded heavy.

“All right. I deserve that. But now I want to make it right. I called the state offices, and there’s some form we can get from the state–an affidavit of paternity. We both sign it and then they change the birth certificate.”

After a moment he must have recognized the particular quality of her silence, because he looked over his shoulder. Then he slowly turned.

“Kendra–?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know? I’m his father–you can’t deny that.”

“I don’t intend to deny it. And I don’t intend to keep you two apart as long as you’re interested in acting as his father. But . . .”

A ripple seemed to pass over his tight face at her words, but his voice remained even. “But what?”

“I won’t keep you apart, but I won’t stop protecting Matthew, either.”

“Protecting him? Protecting him from me?”

“Yes, from you. Don’t sound so amazed. You’re the one who can hurt him more than anyone else in the world. You show up, win his heart, make him learn to say Daddy, and then you fly off and never come back! How do you think he’ll feel then?”

“Then? You’re assuming that’s what will happen.”

“Look at your life, Daniel, and tell me you can promise it won’t happen.”

“You know I can’t. No one–”

“We’re not talking about anyone else. We’re talking about you. Your job–with the government.” She put sarcastic quotes around the word. “A job you can’t even talk about.”

“Kendra, I can swear to you right here and now that I would do my best to make every flight as safe as humanly possible while still doing my job, because that’s exactly how I’ve always flown.”

“That won’t be any consolation to Matthew when he has to grow up without a father after you’ve gotten him to love you. I’ll do whatever I have to do to protect Matthew.”

He studied her. “Are you so sure this is all about Matthew?”

“Of course it’s about Matthew.”

“Or is it about you?” he continued.

“Wha–? It has nothing to do with me.”

He didn’t appear to hear her. “Is this about you not wanting to turn into your mother, the way you said on Santa Estella? You were hard enough on her, but I’m beginning to wonder. Hell, I wonder if it’s even about me, and the chance I might not come back some day.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Or is it really about your father never coming back to you? Maybe you need to make peace with him for getting killed–and with your mother–before you can make peace with me being Matthew’s father or with yourself.”

Goaded, she fought back. “And what about you, Daniel? I don’t see you having such a fine relationship with your family. Have you even told your parents–your adoptive parents–that you have a son?”

“Not yet. Because–”

“Because you haven’t let them love you, much less let yourself love them. For all your fine talk about family, you know nothing about accepting love, Daniel. You hold yourself back.”

“I don’t want them to know about their grandson,” he went on relentlessly, “unless I can also tell them they can see him and get to know him. And after this, I’ve got to wonder how much your fine promises that you’ll never come between Matthew and me are worth.”

She sat straight in the chair, her hands pressed together in her lap. “If you don’t trust me, then maybe none of this will work.”

“Trust? You’re lecturing me about trust, when you’ve put every word I’ve said from Day One to every test known to man? I’m not saying to take my words as gospel, but–dammit!”

He broke off with a string of muttered curses, pivoting away.

For the first time, something slipped past her determination to not be fooled by a man who might not be telling the truth. For the first time, she considered how her wary distrust might feel to a man who was telling the truth.

But before she could do more than glimpse that possibility, he faced her again.

“Dammit, Kendra, you’re such an expert about growing up with your father gone. But, I’ll tell you something–I know what it’s like not knowing who your father was. Matthew deserves better than that. He needs better than father unknown. I can’t give him much. I can’t guarantee nothing will ever happen to me–or to you, Or anyone else in his life. But by God, I can give him the knowledge–the certainty–of who his father is.”

She looked away. “It’s more complicated than you’re making it.”

“Complicated? The state’s sending me the forms. It’s only complicated if I contest paternity–which I’m not. Or you took state aid–which you don’t. The woman said fill out the form, send it back in and sixty days later the birth certificate is amended. That doesn’t sound complicated to me.”

“It’s an important document–a legal document–that Matthew will have his whole life.” Defiantly, she added, “I’d have to consult a lawyer before I fill out any forms.”

He went still. “I thought we weren’t going to do that, Kendra. Bring in lawyers and such. You said you wouldn’t come between me and Matthew, wouldn’t keep me from seeing him. And you said I should trust you on that.”

“I won’t keep you from seeing him, but this is so permanent.”

The planes of his face shifted to something cold and expressionless. But not entirely unreadable.

“You thought I came here on a lark? That I’d see Matthew a few times, then disappear? Is that what you hope, Kendra? Because if so, you better get over it. I’m here to stay in our son’s life. Permanent? You’re damned right it’s permanent. That’s exactly how it’s going to be.”

He strode to the door and jerked it open, but his voice was deadly calm.

“You want to get a lawyer? Fine. I’ll get one, too. Hell,