Happy Kids by Cathy Glass (best pdf reader for ebooks TXT) 📗

children interrupts, use a pointed pause and wait for silence before continuing.

6. Now explain your house rules: no hitting, shouting, swearing, throwing things, etc. Do not use this meeting to single out the negative behaviour of one child. Do not say, ‘Tom, you will not hit Claire any more,’ but do say (as one of your rules), ‘There will be no more hitting,’ and warn of the sanction if the behaviour persists.

7. Explain the reward system you have decided to use. I would not recommend using a star chart or similar for turning around siblings, as it encourages sibling competition and therefore rivalry: not all the children will have the same number of stars so inevitably one will be the ‘winner’ and one the ‘loser’. You are improving the behaviour of the group, so I prefer a small family activity at the end of the week to reward the group’s behaviour. This encourages teamwork rather than the children being in competition with each other.

8. Once you have finished explaining your new routine and house rules, the children can comment if they wish, one at a time, but do not enter into debate. You have given your reasons for the changes that need to be made (i.e. to correct the unacceptable behaviour) and, as parents, you have the right to make reasonable decisions for the good of your children and family unit.

9. Finish the meeting by praising the children for sitting still and listening, even if they have been a bit fidgety and you had to stop to regain attention.

Begin

You and your partner should now begin your new routine and house rules immediately, using the 3Rs. Remember:

*  Praise the children when they do something right, collectively and individually. Warn of and then impose a reasonable sanction for persistent negative behaviour.

*  Although you are dealing with the children as a group, much of the correcting of negative behaviour will need to be done with individual children as and when the behaviour arises.

*  The children will need plenty of reminders in the early days as they unlearn previous negative behaviour and respond to your new guidelines and boundaries.

*  Be vigilant when two or more children are together. Leave the door open to the room where they are if you are not present, so that you can hear and monitor what is going on.

*  Early intervention stops a situation escalating out of control. As the parent, you will know when trouble is brewing from what your children are saying, their tone or even that ominous silence.

*  Give each child age-appropriate responsibility for taking care of his or her own needs, as well as contributing to the needs and smooth running of the family. For example, you might ask ten-year-old Tom and nine-year-old Claire to clear away the dishes, while six-year-old Jimmy and four-year-old Lisa pack away the toys. However, I wouldn’t post a rota of chores on the wall, as it quickly gets forgotten and becomes a testament to what should have happened. Better to enlist the help of the children as and when required, but make sure they do as asked or else future requests are likely to be ignored – most children would rather be playing or watching television than clearing out the rabbit hutch on a cold winter’s evening.

Strategies to use

Use all the strategies we have looked at in this book for managing one child or the group:

Assert your authoritative presence by speaking in a firm even voice when you Request a child to do something, but do not shout.

Request, Repeat and Reaffirm, but do not enter into debate. You have reasonably asked your child or children to do something and they need to do it.

Use zero tolerance for the first two weeks while you are turning around the children.

Use the closed choice – it works for a group as it does for an individual child – ‘Children, do you want to tidy up your toys before or after you have your baths?’

Use quiet time – remove the distressed or angry child from the group so that he or she can calm down and reflect. But don’t highlight or talk about the child’s wrongdoing to the other children by saying, for instance, ‘Tom has been very naughty. That’s why I’ve put him out of the room.’ At the end of the quiet time allow the child to return to the other children and assume positive behaviour. If one of the other children smirks at the ‘naughty child’ or makes remarks – ‘You were naughty, tee-hee’ etc. – deal with it by telling the child not to make the comment, and sanction if it is repeated. As the parent you deal with discipline and you don’t need a child to reinforce it: that elevates their status, diminishes yours and builds up resentment in the child who has been corrected.

Intervene immediately to stop physical fights. Siblings won’t agree all the time, no matter how close they are, but they must never resort to physical aggression. Say loudly and firmly, ‘Stop that now. There is no fighting in this house.’ If they don’t, don’t repeat it, but physically separate them and apply a sanction to both children. Fighting can never be tolerated and I would never encourage ‘play fighting’ either, as it can easily escalate and get out of control. If one child is always starting fights, he or she is bullying and needs to be dealt with immediately and firmly. Talk to the child who is bullying and find out if there is a reason for their behaviour – for example, the child might feel undervalued. If so, reassure the child and ensure the child is fairly included, but make it clear that you will not tolerate fighting, and obviously impose a sanction if it happens again.

Encourage group activities but don’t insist on them, other than family outings, when you all go. Children in a family, particularly a large one, will play with and form different attachments to different siblings at different times. You can’t force