Lockey vs. the Apocalypse by Meadows, Carl (7 ebook reader TXT) 📗

Then came my big reveal. Fancy dress for everyone.

Everyone.

Nate gave me a look of, “Everyone except me, right?”

EVERYONE, NATE!

As the evening came, allow me to regale you with the marvellous selection of roles we would play for the evening.

Norah had us in stitches, as she was full on dressed up as Mrs. Doubtfire, even throwing out the, “Helloooo dear!” with real aplomb. The funniest shit was that she stayed in character all night. As we got deeper into our cups later in the evening, it just got funnier and funnier. My ribs are still hurting from laughing. Love that woman.

I had to be careful with Alicia as I didn’t want to give her something provocative. The last thing she’d feel comfortable in was something overtly feminine and flesh baring, so I was pretty made up with finding an adult sized costume of Jessie from Toy Story 2 in the store. She had her little plastic six-shooter, big red cowgirl hat, jeans, shirt, waistcoat, and boots. She looked epic and I could see her visibly relax when I pulled it out for her. She got right into the swing of things and bought into the whole fancy dress party notion. Two for two.

Isaac got his swagger on when I gave him a Han Solo black-and-white ensemble complete with blaster. Every Star Wars boy wanted to be lovable rogue Han rather than whiny Jedi wannabe Luke, so no complaints there.

Maria looked the absolute bomb. She’s a damn good-looking woman, and the dark tone of her skin is just gorgeous. Against the blazing turquoise blue of the Princess Jasmine dress (from Aladdin) with the same coloured headband, she looked fucking knockout. How do I know this?

Nate isn’t visibly affected by much, but when Maria appeared in that Princess Jasmine outfit with a dramatic twirl, I swear he nearly snorted the bourbon he was supping out of his nose. Lockey scores again.

Also, Nate and Maria? Hmm. You know, that would work. Not yet, because we don’t know shit about Dean, even though we should really be accepting that he’s probably gone, but Dean and Maria were childhood sweethearts and if he is gone for good, she won’t get over him quickly. I should really talk to Maria. She’s been avoiding the whole Dean conversation. I need to see where her head’s at regarding his fate.

Mark and Charlie were next, and I’m quite sure this is some of my best work to date. Mark was painted all green – because yes, I got some body paint at the party store too – and the pair of them were Shrek and Donkey. Charlie was in a full grey donkey outfit, his grinning face sticking out with a mahoosive donkey head on the top.

Oh, my swirling heart. I swear, the pair of them were cute as all hell. I’m amazing at this shit.

I’m building the tension here. You just know I’m leaving Nate till last.

I’ll go next. Obviously, having a smart mouth, slightly goofy sense of humour, and being generally awesome, I went for a gender-bended Captain Jack Sparrow, mate. Savvy?

My hair’s getting super long, so I had Maria help me put it in a load of little braids, had the big tricorn hat, long coat, boots, fancy eye makeup… everything. I rolled my pirate swagger all night long. I’m fairly certain, however, if I say “savvy” one more time to anyone in this lodge, I’m getting decked. I said it a lot. Like, at the end of every sentence a lot, savvy? Good times.

For our penultimate contestant we have… Particles. Well, I wasn’t going to leave him out of the festivities, was I? Especially when I saw the shop had fancy dress costumes for pets as well.

I think I may have forever damaged mine and Particles’ close bond, as the withering gaze he gave me, forced to trot round all night long dressed as a hot dog with mustard and everything, clearly asked me this question every time we locked eyes.

“Am I a fucking joke to you, human?”

Outraged.

But, my lovely Freya, there could only ever be one true winner in this competition. Despite the breathtaking Maria as Princess Jasmine, the hilarious Norah in her role as Mrs. Doubtfire, the world’s cutest family unit as Shrek and Donkey, my pirate awesome (you savvy?) and Particles’ raging disgust at being paraded as junk food, the moment Nate walked into the room, there was only one true champion.

Nate Carter, ex-Royal Marine Commando, former special operator with the 22 Special Air Service, the Terminator’s granddad, and the Grim Reaper’s unfriendly, kind of threatening dad, stole the show.

As Super-fucking-Mario.

Bright red shirt, super-blue dungarees, giant red hat with an M plastered in a white circle at the centre, and a gargantuan faux moustache stuck to his top lip. Freya, let me tell you.

It. Was. GLORIOUS.

The whole room collapsed in laughter, not just because this giant ferocious ball of deadly awesome was dressed like a cartoon, but because his facial expression was so fucking stern and incongruous with the frivolity of his costume… Freya, we all just lost it.

Nate was not amused.

Eventually, his ferocious demeanour cracked, mostly because who can stay mad when a ten-year old is absolutely pissing himself laughing? And not just a chuckle, oh no. Charlie was crippled with paroxysms of proper uncontrollable belly laughter that was on the verge of causing respiratory failure.

It was funny as hell anyway, but it was cranked up to eleven when Nate turned to me, and with a completely straight face and total deadpan tone, said one line.

“Tomorrow, I hope a bird shits on your face.”

That was it. I needed medical help. I couldn’t fucking see, couldn’t breathe, and thought I might die from too much funny. I had to prep Maria to apply CPR any moment as I collapsed from lack of oxygen.

Nate soon got into the swing of it, and once he got a couple of bourbons down