Scissor Link by Georgette Kaplan (novels to improve english .txt) 📗

the range of Mac’s hearing, “your vagina wasn’t in two pieces.”

“Oof,” Keith said.

“What’s your problem?” Wendy asked. “You don’t even have a vagina. You’re never going to be in that position.”

“You’re a lesbian,” he pointed out.

“I can still adopt…oh. Right. I see what you’re getting at.” Wendy leaned back in her chair. “There is such a thing as in vitro fertilization. I find George Clooney, borrow some spooge—”

“You’re giving it back?” Regan asked.

“Point is, I could do it.”

“But are you?” Keith insisted.

Wendy looked over at Mac. His face was covered with food. “Point taken.” Then, because that didn’t count as the last word, “But if my son was going to be John Connor, leader of the human resistance, I could. And you’re missing my point, which is that I don’t think it’s fair to count marriages and small human beings. Because then whatever I say, I look like an…” She glanced at Mac. “Like an anus.”

“What’s an anus?” Mac asked, inevitably.

“Go do your homework,” Keith said. “I’ll be up in a bit to help you.”

“Okay,” Mac said dutifully, taking his glass of water with him.

Wendy frowned seeing it. She’d drunk wine out of that same commemorative glass.

Keith cracked his neck. “So, best moment of my life, besides getting married or becoming a father? You remember my cousin Bob and that party at the beachfront?”

Regan nodded. “You weren’t here for this,” she told Wendy.

“Well, he did this sorta eloping thing where he and his fiancé invited all their friends and family, and instead of spending a ton booking a chapel and everything, they just got married in the middle of the party. I was best man, Lauren Kelly was the maid of honor, they had a priest there. I don’t know what everyone thought, having this priest there at the party before they announced it—”

“Wait,” Wendy interrupted. “The best moment of your life was your cousin’s wedding?”

“Oh, no, I was wearing a tuxedo, but since the wedding was a surprise, I couldn’t be at this party in a tux. So when he said they were getting married, I just ripped out of my clothes to show that I had my tuxedo and bowtie and everything under it. Just like James Bond in Goldfinger. It was pretty dope. So what’s yours?”

Wendy blew air through her lips again. “Still thinking.”

“Okay. You done with your plate? My turn to do dishes.”

“Oh, yeah.” Wendy handed it to him. “Have at it.”

He piled it atop his, and then Regan’s. “One day Mac’s gonna be old enough to do this, and then all the diaper changes will be worth it. Thanks for the meal, hon.” He gave Regan a quick kiss and Wendy went ‘aww’ as he left the dining room.

Regan stared at her. “You thought that was cute? You never think that’s cute. The last time you saw us kiss you said I had cooties now.”

“I might’ve been wrong about that one.” Wendy cracked up a little. “But admit it, Keith did go to Jupiter to get more stupider,” she giggled.

“What’s up with you? You’re acting all weird and happy and optimistic, like you just got back from Narnia or something.”

“Like I time-traveled to a dystopian future where you’re dead and Mac is an evil cyborg, and then I came back and prevented it and everything’s better and I’ve learned to appreciate my situation?”

“Yes, that’s the most specific explanation of your present vibe that I could imagine.”

Wendy shrugged, picking up her water and downing it. “I just had a really good flick.”

“You watched a movie?”

“No, I, ah…flicked. Down… I flicked down. Okay, you’re married, you’re not dead, you know what I’m talking about.”

“Oh! Were you flicking someone else or…”

“No, just me.”

“Who’d Wendy flick off?” Keith asked, as he came back drying his hands on his jeans.

“No one. That’s the problem,” Regan said as he sat back down. “We’re trying to figure out why she’s so happy all of a sudden.”

Keith snapped his fingers. “Easy. One of her TV show people turned out to be a lesbian.”

“You really think I’m so shallow that a character from a TV show being gay could have a measurable impact on my personal happiness?”

“She’s right,” Regan said. “Movie character.”

“We’re gonna see the next Marvel movie and Black Widow’s going to be living with some woman and Wendy’s just gonna be beaming.”

Regan groaned in dismay. “She’s not gonna end up with Bruce?”

Wendy gaped at her. “Okay, not that Black Widow is gay, unfortunately, but I thought I could count on your support.” She jerked a thumb at Keith. “I knew I had him in my corner.”

Keith shifted in his seat. “I just like when ScarJo does stuff.”

“Natasha and Bruce are cute,” Regan said. “What, it’s okay for Wendy to want her to be with a woman because she thinks women are sexy, but I can’t want her to be with an older man because I know older men are sexy?”

“Honey? I’m younger than you.”

Regan reached across the table to take Keith’s hand. “You’ll get older.”

“So you’re just waiting for me to get gray hair?”

“And a beard.”

“And good at sex,” Wendy chimed in.

“Well, that’s never gonna happen,” Keith said. “But I’ll keep an eye out on TV for any lesbian activity, see what Wendy’s Prozac is.”

“You’re a straight man, you do that anyway,” Wendy retorted. “And I hope you realize how immaturely you’re characterizing me.”

Regan was looking up the stairs. “Mac should be done with his homework by now.” She called. “All right, who wants dessert?”

“Me!” Wendy said. “I do! I do!”

“Keith, if you’ll do the honors?”

Keith stood up again. “Four bowls of cookies and cream, coming up.”

“Don’t give me a bowl without any cookie bits,” Wendy called after him. “I was in this family before you, I have seniority.”

Regan laughed at her. “Okay, I don’t know what has you in such a good mood—or throwing your sister out on her ass and keeping her wine all for yourself—but I’m liking it. I really am.”

Wendy snorted. “Feed ‘em a little ice cream and