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scare the hell outta you . . . better said, I wanted to scare that fuckinā€™ Catholic Church outta you. With all the shit Iā€™ve said, you gotta know I couldnā€™t just keep lettinā€™ you leave my life like through a turnstile. I was too close to losinā€™ you this time, Fi . . . like forever. There was no way I was gonna let it happen again. I left shit in The Bishopā€™s hands . . . youā€™d have to know him to understand. Nothinā€™ he did was without my okay. He had to protect his business and I had to protect you and teach some very bad people some life lessons. I was more than good with the guys kidnappinā€™ you back here where youā€™d be safe. It coulda been done in a less traumatic way, I get that now, but there was a point to be made. If Iā€™d fuckinā€™ known about that motherfuckinā€™ cocksucker . . . well, heā€™s not gonna bother us anymore. Lombardi, Foley, and that pedophile whore . . . theyā€™re out of our lives forever too. Youā€™re stuck with me, Fi. Iā€™ve proven Iā€™d walk through Hell to get you, and I ainā€™t gonna let you go.ā€

She shoved her head into my chest and squeezed as tightly as she ever had in all our years.

ā€œHow about . . . I break . . .ā€ Before she could finish her statement, I turned her face to me.

ā€œOh, no, you donā€™t. If youā€™re gonna say those words, you better look me dead in the eyes when you do.ā€

Without a secondā€™s hesitation, she stared deeply into my eyes and said, ā€œIā€™m breaking all of my vows for you . . . Crucifix. Every one of them. Iā€™m never going back.ā€

She could tell me she loves me all day long, but saying those words one time from her heart said a lot more.

ā€œI love you too, Snaps, and Iā€™m not gonna let go of you, no matter what.ā€ I pulled her in and whispered, ā€œYa know, when you asked if I thought we werenā€™t meant to be born . . . my answer is ā€˜fuck, no!ā€™ Weā€™re meant for each other and have been since the second I saw you.ā€

22

How Did You Love?

I stood there holdinā€™ her and couldnā€™t figure if it was more that I was doinā€™ it for her or to her for myself. With Fi in my arms, in my room, and knowinā€™ she wasnā€™t gonna put up a fight, I was finally dialinā€™ back the rage and pain Iā€™d been feelinā€™ for so long.

ā€œI think itā€™s time for you to get cleaned up.ā€ She looked at me with the first sly smile Iā€™d seen since she showed up at the Mounds a few nights before. Did she smile then? ā€œOh, no . . . I donā€™t mean like that. Iā€™m sure after all the shit youā€™ve just been through, you need to actually be clean . . . like washed . . . in a shower.ā€

She pouted and I spun her around, grabbed one of my old t-shirts, and a pair of sweats before pushinā€™ her toward the door. When we got into the bathroom, I thought about Rattler touchinā€™ her and about what heā€™d said before he died. Mouthwash.

ā€œFirst things first . . .ā€

I handed her the bottle and she took a big swig, swished, and then did it again. While she was doinā€™ that, I grabbed a few towels and let the water heat up. Weā€™d done a lot of crazy things sexually and with the intense penance Iā€™d made her serve, but weā€™d never done anything as simple as showerinā€™ together. She needed to know she was safe, and when I thought about it, Iā€™d never gone outta my way to make a chick feel safe. Iā€™d protected a few, but makinā€™ the effort to actually give them the feelinā€™ of safety, nah, that wasnā€™t my deal.

None of them were her. None of them would ever be her.

ā€œOkay, now letā€™s start washinā€™ the slime of the Catholic Church off ya . . . not for nothinā€™, but it made me feel better when I did it way back when in this exact shower.ā€ I peeled off my t-shirt and remembered all the shit thatā€™d happened earlier and hoped there wasnā€™t any of their blood where sheā€™d nestled into my chest. I needed to wash all of that crap off just as much as she did, and lookinā€™ at her standinā€™ there wrapped in my sheet and nothinā€™ else made me smile inside. Anything other than that fuckinā€™ habit, but in a sheet from my bed, it was even better. I pulled down the black material, wrapped my fingers through Fiā€™s, and led us into the shower.

ā€œYa know itā€™s too late to take back what ya said before . . . it was too late as soon as your friend showed up at my club.ā€

ā€œI know . . . I finally know.ā€

I shut the door behind us and cornered her against the wall as she whispered, ā€œBelieve me, Crucifix. I had a lot of time to think and pray while I waited in the rectory. In my soul, I know. God gave me the answer to a prayer I never dared dream of.ā€

My lips found hers and I tried to hold back and be gentle before sinkinā€™ my tongue in to devour her. I pulled her around in front of me without lettinā€™ go of that incredible mouth, and when the water started to spray between us I drank every drop from her lips. It was such a new feelinā€™. Warmth. Love. Peace. Home. I pushed her back against the wall and started to kiss deeper and harder.

Slow down. Donā€™t freak her out.

ā€œI know you arenā€™t used to me beinā€™ soft with you, but you could

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