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to my car. It was two in the morning, and I was tired and drained. All I wanted to do was crawl into my bed. Trying to be quiet as to not wake my new roommate, I crept to my room, not even bothering turning on the light, and immediately stripped out of my clothes as I stumbled into bed, already falling asleep before I got fully situated.

The sound of music blasting woke me a few hours later. It took me a moment to realize I was finally back home. I quickly got out of bed and threw some clothes on. I had a roommate I still needed to properly meet. I headed to the kitchen and noted the few things added from the new roommate. Deciding to be a nice and welcoming roommate, I put on a pot of coffee and set to make some toast. I heard their bedroom door open, followed by the scent of soap.

“Morning, Ashley!” I yelled out, but I doubt she heard me over the music. I sighed as I went to butter my toast. I was on my second bite when I heard a noise behind me and turned around to greet my new roommate. I tried to scream, but the toast got stuck in my throat as I tried to scream and breathe at the same time. They rushed up behind me and grabbed me by the waist and pressed until finally, the toast flew out. I grabbed the nearest object which was a useless butter knife and held it up to defend myself against the overly gorgeous David Gandy’s twin that was now in my kitchen. Not even thinking, I quickly ran to my room and slammed the door, cursing myself as I realized I left my phone in the kitchen. Now, I couldn’t call for help before I got slaughtered by the sexiest serial killer known to man.

“I’m calling the cops!”

I heard him chuckle. He actually chuckled. “Isn’t this your phone?”

Dammit! “Who are you? What do you want? I don’t have anything of value.” I racked my brain. Maybe he wasn’t a serial killer, maybe it was Ashley’s boyfriend. Sure, Ashley lived here too, but I guess I wasn’t planning on seeing her boyfriend anytime soon.

It was silent for a moment before he responded, “It’s me, Ash.” He paused. “Your roommate,” he said, as if that was obvious. “Your new co-living roommate,” he stressed. “You know, the guy you fucked a few weeks ago?”

Um… what? I slowly opened the door, peering out at him, my sorry excuse for a weapon butter knife with butter still on it, in my hands.

I looked him up and down.

Down.

Down.

Down to where his private part was in full view.

Holy shit! Holy fucking shit! He found me. Is he stalking me? My eyes went back to his penis where I found myself lingering too long before looking back to him. It’s not even hard! Okay focus. “What?” He looked at me like I was in the wrong house. I stared at him; mouth open before slowly shaking my head. “No, my roommate’s name is Ashley.”

“Right, that would be me. The name isn’t for just girls you know.” I stared at him in confusion. He smiled. “I get that a lot.” I watched as he walked over to the fridge and pulled out a container of juice. He held the carton up offering me some and I was momentarily stunned that he was offering me my own damn juice. I slowly shook my head as he put the carton to his lips and drank. He leaned against the counter, leg in front of the other, and yet there I was still staring at his penis. “It’s why I have people call me Ash,” he continued, obviously aware I was staring at his junk.

I finally remembered I had a voice. “I didn’t know you were male. I mean, I didn’t know you were you,” I corrected myself. I stood straight and crossed my arms. “My ad stated females only.”

“No, your ad stated female preferred.”

I paused. He was right. Truth be told, I didn’t think anyone read my ad since I kept getting weirdos responding to it, which is why I made the ad sound so ridiculous. “Okay, but still, don’t you think you could’ve told me.”

“I sent you a picture.”

I shut my eyes. “I thought you were the girl, being Ashley!”

“That would be my nosy cousin, Bria. We grew up together, so she’s more of a sister, really.”

“You were dressed as one of the Butabi brothers from A Night at the Roxbury,” I said more to myself than him.

“Steve.”

“What?”

“I was dressed as Steve Butabi from A Night at the Roxbury.”

What the hell did that even matter? I looked back up at him and he shrugged as he reached for an apple and took a bite. His eyes never left mine as he took another bite.

“Of all the places for you to apply, it had to be this one? How did you even know it was mine?”

He shrugged. “You mentioned it once or twice in between us… well… you know. You were there.” Damn that liquid courage. “Will this somehow become a problem? I hope not, I’ve already signed the lease.”

I nodded. He was right, even if I didn’t want him here, I had no choice. So, I put on my game face. “It’ll be fine, we’ll make it work.”

“I would hope so, it was your lack of proper word selection.” I scowled at his words. Yes, I knew all of this was my fault, but he didn’t have to rub my damn nose in it. He took another bite in the silence.

“Just to make it perfectly clear, we’re roommates. That’s it, nothing more. Roommates. You got that?” He slowly nodded. I scowled. “I’m not having sex with you. We,” I pointed to the both of us, “are not having sex.”

“I never said we were.”

Oh. For some reason, I almost felt offended at that statement. I again looked down

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