Etiquette and Vitriol by Nicky Silver (classic fiction .txt) š
- Author: Nicky Silver
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PHYLLIS: Bishopā
BISHOP (Out): M-m-m, was forā
PHYLLIS: Stop it, Bishop! (Out) Bishop can be quite the little show-off. (To Bishop) No one is interested. No one cares. And if they do, they can buy one of three thousand books currently in print about her.
BISHOP: Yes, Mother.
PHYLLIS: Thank you.
BISHOP (Out): Morning Glory!!
PHYLLIS: Thereās no telling how long weāre going to be here, so please try to behave.
BISHOP: Iām hungry.
PHYLLIS: Donāt think about it.
BISHOP: What should I th-th-think about?
PHYLLIS: Donāt you realize how lucky you are to be alive?
BISHOP: No.
PHYLLIS: Well, you are very lucky.
BISHOP: Oh.
PHYLLIS: Everyone else was killed.
BISHOP: I know.
PHYLLIS: They werenāt so lucky.
BISHOP: Lucky me.
PHYLLIS: Thatās right.
BISHOP: Iām l-l-lucky. And Iām hungry.
PHYLLIS: Oh, dig for clams.
BISHOP: I d-d-donāt like clams.
PHYLLIS: Have you ever had clams?
BISHOP: No.
PHYLLIS: Then, how do you know you donāt like them?
BISHOP: They look like snot.
PHYLLIS: Not clams casino.
BISHOP: Iām sorry.
PHYLLIS: Youāre giving me a headache, Bishop.
BISHOP: Iām sorry.
PHYLLIS: Canāt you go play with the dead bodies or something?
Youāre eleven, you should like that sort of thing.
BISHOP (Out): There were magazines in the cockpit, with p-p-pictures of naked boys doing things to each other.
PHYLLIS (Out): Probably why we crashed.
BISHOP: Iām hungry.
PHYLLIS: You said that.
BISHOP: Iām s-s-sorry.
PHYLLIS: Try to say new things.
BISHOP: Iām st-t-tarving.
PHYLLIS: Interesting things.
BISHOP: Iām famished.
PHYLLIS: I should be dead now. I tell myself I should be dead or in Italy.
BISHOP: Iām h-h-hā
PHYLLIS: Bishop!
BISHOP: Thirsty.
PHYLLIS: Oh, Iāll go look for food. Hold my shoes. Theyāre ruined at this point, but the last thing I need is to lose a heel.
(Phyllis hands Bishop her shoes and exits over the dune. Bishop addresses the audience.)
BISHOP: I d-d-didnāt mind crashing. Really. It was ek-ek-ekā cool. Iām lucky. We were s-s-spinning and spinning and it was just like being in a movie. K-k-katharine Hepburn played an avi-av-avālady pilot in the movie Christopher Strong. It was never turned into a musical. I am Bishop Hogan. Th-that is my name, I am not a deacon of the church. Iām eleven. My father is famous. He hates Mother. He sleeps with the young girls in his m-m-movies.
(Howard enters from the wings.)
HOWARD (Out): Thatās not true.
BISHOP (Out): He doesnāt love my mother and he doesnāt love m-m-me.
HOWARD (Out): She tells him these thingsā
BISHOP (Out): Heās ob-bsessed with his work.
HOWARD (Out): To assuage her guilt over a failing marriage and to alienate my son from me.
BISHOP (Out): Heās self-absorbed.
HOWARD (Out): Her words.
BISHOP (Out): The only reason I have any friends at all, is b-b-because I give them Arcky dolls.
HOWARD (Out): She fills his head with lies.
BISHOP (Out): Arcky was the extrat-t-terrestrial in my fatherās movie.
HOWARD (Out): They know Arcky. Everybody knows Arcky. Everybody loves him. (Out) They used him in the Pepsi- Cola commercials.
BISHOP: Why donāt you love Mommy?
HOWARD (Out): Who said I didnāt?
BISHOP: She did.
HOWARD: Oh.
BISHOP: Wh-wh-why?
HOWARD: Sheās overbearing.
BISHOP: Whatās that?
HOWARD: Itās complicated.
PAM (Offstage): Hoowwaardd?
BISHOP: Do you think weāre d-d-dead?
HOWARD: I havenāt thought about it yet.
PAM (Offstage): Hoowwwaarrddd!
HOWARD: Excuse me.
(Howard exits. Phyllis enters.)
PHYLLIS: There is nothing.
BISHOP: Oh?
PHYLLIS: Not so much as a coconut. Oh, give me those, I feel frumpish. This island is a parking lot. (She takes the shoes)
BISHOP: Iām hungry.
PHYLLIS: I know.
BISHOP: Do you think Daddy thinks weāre dead?
PHYLLIS (Bright): Letās talk about sleeping arrangements. Shall we?
BISHOP: I bet heās c-cāworried.
PHYLLIS: Itāll be night soon.
BISHOP: Heās crying. I bet.
PHYLLIS: Can you build a lean-to?
BISHOP: I miss Daddy.
PHYLLIS: Can you build a lean-to, or a hut, or something?
BISHOP: Do you miss D-d-daddy?
PHYLLIS: Can you, Bishop, build a lean-to?
BISHOP: Of course not.
PHYLLIS: What do you mean, of course not?
BISHOP: I mean I canāt.
PHYLLIS: Donāt be negative. Why canāt you?
BISHOP: Because I canāt.
PHYLLIS: Thatās no attitude. How do you know you canāt? You have to try and find out that you canāt.
BISHOP: Daddy c-c-could build a lean-to. He could build a split-level twin dwelling.
PHYLLIS: Do not mention your father again tonight.
BISHOP: Iām s-s-sorry. (Out) Katharine Hepburn made Philadelphia Story in n-n-n-nineteen-forty-one. After being labeled box-office poison.
PHYLLIS: Iām ignoring that. Now. What will you need to build a lean-to?
BISHOP: I canāt build a lean-to!
PHYLLIS: Why not?!
BISHOP: Because Iām hungry!!
PHYLLIS: Donāt raise your voice to me!
BISHOP: Iām s-s-sorry.
PHYLLIS: I realize youāre frightenedā
BISHOP: Iām hungryā
PHYLLIS: And hungry.
BISHOP: You hate me and you wish I was dead.
PHYLLIS: What a terrible thing to say.
BISHOP: Why wonāt you feed me?
PHYLLIS: Eat seaweed.
BISHOP: Iām not Chinese.
PHYLLIS: I thought you were hungry?
BISHOP: Itās poison.
PHYLLIS: Itās sushi.
BISHOP: Itās creepy.
PHYLLIS: Eat rocks, eat sandāoh, hand me my purse.
(He does so.)
Here. Eat lipstick. Itās not poison.
BISHOP: Thank you. (He eats it)
PHYLLIS (Out): He was always a picky eater. As a baby, Bishop threw up everything five minutes after he ate it. Tell you the truth, I thought he was bulimic.
BISHOP: Done!
PHYLLIS: You didnāt save me any?
BISHOP: I didnāt think you l-l-liked lipstick.
PHYLLIS: Thatās not the point.
BISHOP: Iām sorry.
PHYLLIS (Bright): Now. What will you need to build a lean-to?
BISHOP: M-m-mother?
PHYLLIS: You can get supplies from the wreckageā
BISHOP: M-m-mother?
PHYLLIS: You can build here, with a southern exposure and a view of the seaā
BISHOP: M-m-mother!
PHYLLIS: Thatāll be lovelyā
BISHOP: Mommy!
PHYLLIS: What is it?
BISHOP: Iām still hungry.
PHYLLIS: You just ate a whole lipstick.
BISHOP: Weāre going to starve to death, arenāt we?
PHYLLIS: Donāt be ridiculous. I have lots of lipsticks. (Out) Different colors for different outfits.
BISHOP: You canāt live on lipstick.
PHYLLIS: I donāt see why not.
BISHOP: It has no v-v-vitamins.
PHYLLIS: Weāll fish.
BISHOP: We have no t-t-tackle.
PHYLLIS: Weāll hunt.
BISHOP: Weāre going to starve to death!!
PHYLLIS: Weāll trim down!
BISHOP: Iām thin now!
PHYLLIS: Five pounds, and youāll be amazed at how clothing hangs off of you!
BISHOP: You donāt care.
PHYLLIS: Please, Iām tired, Iām irritated and I have sand in my stockings! Try to cooperate. Now, if the lean-to faces this way, the morning sun will get in my eyesā
BISHOP: WEāRE GOING TO DIE! I DONāT WANT TO DIE!
WEāRE GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH!! WEāLL DIE!!
PHYLLIS: ALL RIGHT!! All right. Hand me my purse.
(He does so. She pulls out a huge butcherās knife.)
Hereās a knife. Now. Go back to the plane and cut the arm off that nun. Bring it back here and Iāll
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